All my loving
by swimmergal06
Summary: At a time when America is on the brink of war, will the love that encaptures teenage Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey survive?
1. Chapter 1

**All right, so...here it is! My brand new story that is very different than anything I've ever done. I'm up for the challenge, but I do hope you will give me kind but honest reviews about how you think I'm doing. This story takes place in 1941, when America is on the brink of World War 2. I'm doing a lot of research on the way of life in this time period, but if there are minor oversights, please forgive them. I'm really excited, and kind of nervous, about this story, I think it will be a good run. And as always, if there is anything you would like you see in the story please let me know and I will do my best to incorporate your ideas with my own. I really hope you all enjoy!**

**All my Loving**

**The Beatles**

**Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,**  
**Tomorrow I'll miss you;**  
**Remember I'll always be true.**  
**And then while I'm away,**  
**I'll write home ev'ry day,**  
**And I'll send all my loving to you.**

**I'll pretend That I'm kissing **  
**the lips I am missing**  
**And hope that my dreams will come true.**  
**And then while I'm away,**  
**I'll write home ev'ry day,**  
**And I'll send all my loving to you.**

**All my loving I will send to you.**  
**All my loving, darling I'll be true.**

**Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,**  
**Tomorrow I'll miss you:**  
**Remember I'll always be true.**  
**And then while I'm away,**  
**I'll write home ev'ry day,**  
**And I'll send all my loving to you**

**All my loving I will send to you.**  
**All my loving darling I'll be True.**  
**All my loving All my loving ooh**  
**All my loving I will send to you**

"Meredith!"

She smiled as she closed her locker, turning to look at her boyfriend who was making his way down the hall. "Hi," she smiled as he placed a hand on her arm.

"Hi," he said. "Do you need a ride home?"

She smiled as she pulled his varsity sweater closer around her shoulders. "Sure," she said.

"Good," Derek said, taking her books out of her hand. "Did you have a good day?"

"Yes," she said, linking her arm through his the moment they stepped out of the building and began making their way towards the parking lot. "And I'm sure glad that we're almost ready to graduate."

Derek laughed as he opened the front door of his car for her. "Me too," he said. "Especially since you've been accepted to Bates."

Meredith sighed. "If only your stupid school would let females attend we would be able to go to the same school," she said.

"I know, Mer," Derek said. "I have four sisters, believe me I know how unfair it is."

"Sorry," she smiled slightly. "I know you're tired of hearing about this."

"Liz is ready to kill anyone who stands in her way of becoming a doctor," Derek said. "Although right now I don't think anyone would question it much. We need doctors."

"There are a lot of wounded men," Meredith murmured.

"And we're not even in the war."

"Mr. Pace says that we will be," Meredith said softly. "And when we are, they're going to need all the men they can to fight."

Derek reached across the seat to squeeze her hand. "You don't have to worry, Mer," he said. "I'm going to college. And so are you. And then we're going to get married and have children. Nothing is going to stand in the way of that."

"Good," she said, smiling as they pulled up to his house.

"Do you want to go see if your mom's home?" Derek asked.

Meredith glanced behind her at the house across the street before she shook her head. "The windows are dark," she said. "She's probably at the hospital. If she can't be a doctor, she's going to do the best she can at being a nurse."

Derek smiled softly as they climbed out of the car and made their way to his house. "Well, I guess it's a good thing that my parents already think of you as part of the family."

"I guess so," Meredith said.

"Meredith!" Carolyn Shepherd smiled as she looked up from her sewing to see them enter the house. "How are you sweetheart?"

"I'm good, Mrs. Shepherd," Meredith smiled as she returned the hug.

"How was your last day of school?" Carolyn asked as she set a plate of cookies on the table and moved to pour them some milk.

"Good," Meredith said. "Although I can't believe it's over."

"Me either," Carolyn sighed, reaching to run her hand over Derek's hair. "My baby boy is going away to college."

"Hopefully," Derek said.

"Oh," Carolyn said, turning to the counter. "This came for you in the mail today."

Derek grabbed the envelope with the Bowdoin stamp on it and tore it open, reading the letter carefully. Meredith bit her lower lip as she exchanged a glance with Carolyn, waiting to react until Derek showed any reaction at all.

"I got the scholarship," he said. "I can go."

"You got it?" Meredith cried, launching herself out of her chair and into his arms. "Derek, that's amazing!"

"I can go," Derek said, wrapping his arms tightly around Meredith. "The scholarship money combined with the income from the store that Dad has set aside…it's more than enough."

"Oh Derek," Carolyn said, reaching to hug him as Meredith pulled away. "I am so proud of you."

"Thanks," Derek said, staring down at the letter. "I…I don't actually know what to do right now. I didn't think….they're actually giving me money to go there."

"They want you," Meredith smiled, reaching to run her fingers through his hair. "Because you're amazing."

"You have to say that," Derek pointed out.

"No, I actually don't," Meredith said. "But you're going to be a fantastic doctor."

"Hopefully someday," Derek sighed as he stared down at the letter. "This is…I just can't believe it.

"Can't believe what?" Derek's younger sister Elizabeth asked as she bounced into the house, swinging her backpack onto the kitchen table.

"Elizabeth Shepherd, how many times do I have to tell you not to throw your things around the kitchen?" Carolyn sighed, handing the backpack back to her daughter.

"Sorry," Elizabeth sighed, turning to hang the backpack up beside her jacket. "What's going on, Derbear?"

"Don't call me that," Derek rolled his eyes, but he handed her his letter. "I'm going to college."

"That's amazing," Elizabeth cried, hugging him tightly. "Derek, I can't believe this!"

"I know," Derek shook his head slightly. "The first man in the Shepherd family to go to college."

"You have to call Daddy," Elizabeth said. "And Kathleen and Nancy. And Grandma Shepherd…"

"If only we had that kind of money," Carolyn shook her head as she glanced at the clock and reached for her jacket. "They are all coming to dinner tonight. Derek can tell them then. I have to go pick Amelia up at school, I trust that the three of you won't destroy the house at all?"

"Of course not," Derek said.

"I'll keep them in line, Mrs. Shepherd," Meredith promised.

"I knew there was a reason I liked you, Meredith," Carolyn smiled before she turned out the back door.

"I have to go do homework," Liz sighed. "But we're going to have to plan things, Derek. I'll go visit Meredith at Bates, and then we can all have a party and I'll meet a college boy, just like Nancy met Kyle when she went to visit Kathleen at Barnard University."

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Lizzie," Derek laughed. "There are no boys in your future. Especially college ones."

"I'm sixteen, Derbear," she shrugged, swinging her backpack over her shoulder and making her way towards the staircase in the front of the house.

"Stop pouting," Meredith sighed, pulling the letter out of his hands and settling onto his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. "She's sixteen. We were younger than she is when we first started dating."

"Next you're going to tell me that Amelia's going to start dating," Derek sighed.

"She is twelve, but I don't think she'll ever be interested in getting married," Meredith pointed out. "But you're her brother. Let your dad worry about the boys they date."

"He did do a good job with Kyle and Alex," Derek conceded.

"I'm sure he's glad that he has your permission," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Hmmm," Derek sighed, leaning up to kiss her softly. "Do you want to…listen to the radio?"

"Radio?" Meredith asked, running her hands over his shoulders. "We like…the radio."

"We love the radio," Derek murmured.

"Derek!" a voice suddenly shrieked, and he turned to see his very pregnant oldest sister standing in the doorway with a stern expression on her face. "What do the two of you think you're doing?"

"Kathleen," Meredith gasped, pulling herself out of Derek's lap to straighten her skirt and blouse. "I…radio. We were just going to listen to the radio."

"Right," Kathleen rolled her eyes. "Just as long as you don't end up like me after you listen to the radio."

"I…no," Meredith shook her head. "We don't…we haven't…no babies. Definitely no babies. I mean, eventually, because that's really all we're allowed to do as women, but not now. Now we're…radio. Listening to the radio. And going to college. Because Derek got into college."

"You did?" Kathleen asked, turning to look at her brother.

"Bowdoin," Derek nodded proudly. "And I got the scholarship too."

"Oh Derbear," she breathed, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him awkwardly around her pregnant belly. "That's so amazing."

"I know," Derek smiled, resting a hand on her stomach. "How's my favorite nephew?"

"Or niece," Kathleen sighed.

"It's a nephew," Derek nodded firmly. "I have hope for this generation."

"Fine," Kathleen sighed as she settled into a chair behind the table. "Where's Mom?"

"Picking up Amelia," Derek replied. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"Water would be amazing," Kathleen said. "This baby is sucking everything out of me. I'm hungry and thirsty all the time."

"It won't be too much longer, will it?" Meredith asked.

"About a month," Kathleen sighed, running her hands over her stomach. "Alex is so excited. He keeps bringing home more stuff for the nursery every day. And he's been spending his breaks in the hospital nursery so he can learn how to feed and change babies."

"That's so sweet," Meredith smiled.

"It is," Kathleen sighed. "He's at the hospital tonight though. A bunch of wounded soldiers came in, there are a lot of surgeries that need to be performed."

"Oh," Meredith sighed, glancing at Derek as he joined them at the table again.

"Don't worry, Mer," he said, squeezing her hand. "There's no draft, and I'm going to college. I'm not going to enlist."

"I know," she breathed, but it was good to hear him say that. The last thing she needed to worry about was her boyfriend fighting in the war against the Nazis.

"Anybody home?" Michael Shepherd's voice rang out from the front hall, and a moment later he appeared in the kitchen, coat slung over his arm. "Hello everyone. How are you feeling, sweetheart?"

"Pretty good, Daddy," Kathleen smiled as Michael pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "But Derek is the one with good news."

Michael turned to his son with his eyebrows raised expectantly, and Derek was unable to hide the grin on his face. "I'm going to Bowdoin," he announced.

A wide smile spread over Michael's face, and he pulled his son into a tight embrace. "Congratulations, Derek," he said. "I am so proud of you."

"Thanks, Dad," Derek smiled, pulling back from his father. "There are some great fishing areas up in Maine. You can come up some time and we can go camping."

"I'd like that," Michael laughed. "I feel like I've already caught all the fish from around here."

"You can come back down here and we'll have a girls' weekend," Kathleen offered to Meredith.

"That would be good," Meredith giggled. "The last thing I need to do is go camping with Derek."

"That's the last thing anyone needs," a new voice joined into the mix, and everyone turned to see Nancy walking into the backyard, pulling her husband Kyle in behind her. "Where are you going camping, Derbear?"

"Maine," Derek answered.

"You're going all the way to Maine to go camping?" his youngest sister Amelia asked as she clambered into the house.

"Watch the attitude, Amelia Rose," Michael warned. "And he's not just going camping there. He's going to college."

"College is a waste of time," Amelia argued. "Especially when our men should be fighting the Nazis and trying to bring them down."

"Amelia," Carolyn sighed. "You don't want your brother to go fight. Men are getting killed over there, and God willing this will all be over soon."

"It's only going to get worse," Amelia argued. "America's not even in the war yet, but we're going to be. And then men will have to go fight."

"Amelia," Michael snapped. "Your brother was just accepted into college. That is a big deal, and if you're not willing to celebrate that with the rest of the family you can eat in your room tonight."

"Fine," Amelia snapped, stomping towards the stairs. "Nobody ever listens to me."

The kitchen was silent for a moment before Carolyn shook her head and turned towards the stove. "I'm not sure what has gotten into her lately," she said.

"She's twelve, Mom," Kathleen said. "We all went through that."

"Not as severely as she is though," Michael said. "She's so against everything we say or do."

"She'll get over it," Nancy said. "But for now…we celebrate Derek."

"Exactly," Derek smirked, his hand finding Meredith's. "We should all be celebrating me."

Meredith rolled her eyes, but was unable to stop the prideful smile that came across her face at Derek's happy expression. She knew in the grand scheme of things, getting accepted into college was a minor celebration. It was 1941 and the world was on fire, with all of Europe engaged in a war and America fighting every day and losing men even though they weren't officially in the war yet.

But Derek was happy and right now that was all that mattered to her. He had worked hard to get good grades for an academic scholarship to go to college and become the doctor he had always wanted to. And for now, that was enough. She had no idea what was going to happen in the future, but right now Derek was happy, they were going to be close together at college next year, and that was all that mattered.


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith loved the Shepherds. She had always loved the Shepherds, their house had always been the one that she wanted to go to more than her own home. But now that she was getting older and realizing the trials and tribulations of the world, she knew how lucky she was to be an extended member of the Shepherd family.

To her left was Derek, the boy who had somehow become a man about two years ago. Derek, the little boy who had chased her around his backyard with water balloons, who had let her cry on his shoulder in the eighth grade after she'd been stood up at the school dance, had somehow become a man that she had fallen in love with overnight. At first she'd been terrified, but then his family had found out and accepted her as a future member of the family, not just an honorary member. Now she and Derek were closer than ever, and she spent more time with his family than she did with her own parents. And in the fall they would both go to college in Maine, then they could get married and settle down. That was really all she wanted, to be with Derek forever.

His sisters were incredible as well. The siblings she had never had, the four Shepherd Sisters were the best friends she had. She'd been a bridesmaid in both Kathleen and Nancy's weddings, and since Kathleen had asked Derek to be the godfather for her baby, she had also asked Meredith to be the godmother. She'd been hesitant at first, insisting that one of Kathleen's sisters should be the godmother. That had only led Kathleen to hug Meredith tightly and tell her that she was one of her sisters.

Liz was probably her favorite Shepherd Sister, simply because they were so close in age. Only two years younger than Meredith, Liz was mature in a way that the rest of the Shepherds weren't, making her a perfect best friend for Meredith. She had been the first to know about Meredith and Derek's relationship, the one who was always there for her if she and Derek had a fight. And she seemed the only one in the family who was able to handle Amelia, the baby of the family. Meredith could remember when Amelia had been born, and she had been a happy, cheerful little girl. But now that she was approaching the dreaded teenage years, she seemed to be rebelling against everything the Shepherds stood for. Michael and Carolyn were not strict, but they did expect certain behaviors and ideals out of their children. Amelia was the only one who, for some reason, had not reacted well to the way in which her parents had raised her. Meredith could only hope that in a few years she would realize how lucky she was to have a family at all, and not resent them so much.

Michael and Carolyn Shepherd were perhaps the two members of the Shepherd family she was most grateful for. Her own parents had never been interested in spending time with her unless it was for some societal event that required them to pose as a happy family. But fortunately the Shepherds had lived across the street and as soon as Carolyn had realized that Meredith rarely ate a hot supper, she insisted that the small girl come across the street for their own family dinners. She had been the one to help her with any boy problems she'd had in her early teenage years, and she would never forget the lecture Michael had given Derek when he had found out about their relationship. With the way Michael had warned Derek against hurting Meredith and treating her properly, anyone who didn't know them would have thought that he was Meredith's father, not Derek's.

"You okay, Mer?" Derek's voice came from beside her, and she smiled as she turned to look at him.

"Perfect," she sighed, leaning her head against his shoulder.

"Good," Derek smiled, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"Thanks for dinner, Mrs. Shepherd," Meredith said. "It was delicious."

"I made Derek's favorite," Carolyn smiled warmly at her son. "We're so proud of you, sweetheart."

"Thanks, Mom," Derek smiled. "But we don't have to just be celebrating me. Mer got into college too. And Kathleen is about to have a healthy baby. The store's doing well, and Nance has been married for almost a year without annoying Kyle to death."

"Thanks baby brother," Nancy rolled her eyes.

"You're right, Derek," Michael shook his head. "We do have a lot to be grateful for."

"I, for one, am grateful for a daughter who does the dishes," Carolyn said pointedly, giving Liz a look.

"Alright, fine," she sighed, standing and starting to clear the table. "I can take a hint."

"I'll help, Lizzie," Michael smiled as he stood to help her.

"I should go see if my parents are home," Meredith sighed, although she made no effort to move from the comfort of Derek's embrace.

"I'll go with you," he murmured.

"It's across the street," she said. "You can stand at your front door and watch until I get home."

"I don't want you going into an empty house alone," he said, offering her a tight squeeze. "Get your things, I'll walk you home."

"Not too late, Derek Christopher," Carolyn warned. "I want you back here by nine."

Derek opened his mouth to protest, then thought better of it. That would at least give him a couple hours alone with Meredith.

"I hope Baby keeps behaving," Meredith giggled as she hugged Kathleen. "Tell him or her that I'll give them a present if they behave."

"Hear that, Baby?" Kathleen smiled down at her stomach. "Aunt Meredith wants you to behave."

Meredith blushed slightly before she turned to Carolyn. "Thanks again for dinner," she said.

"You don't have to thank me, sweetheart," Carolyn smiled. "We'll see you tomorrow?"

"I wish," Meredith sighed. "My father's business is having some sort of military charity benefit. I have to go so they can show me off."

"Well, maybe you can make it over for dessert," Carolyn said. "I know Derek won't be himself without you here."

"And people say women are dependent on men," Liz rolled her eyes. "One look at Derek will show anyone that it's the opposite."

"Very funny," Derek rolled his eyes as he handed Meredith her backpack. "Let's go, Mer."

"Bye!" she called over her shoulder, then sighed contentedly as she tucked her hand into his arm, resting her head against his shoulder.

"Tired?" Derek asked.

"Not really," she sighed as she opened her front door. "No one's home. Do you want to come in for a bit?"

"Of course," Derek smirked, leaning in to her. "We do have some private celebrating to do."

"Derek," Meredith rolled her eyes as she dropped her bag on the ground and kicked off her shoes.

"Sorry," he sighed, holding up his hands in mock surrender. "No pressure, remember?"

"Thank you," she said as she flipped on the radio, turned the volume down, and curled into the couch. She and Derek had tried to be intimate a couple times before, but it had only consisted of him not being sure of where everything went and her in tears of pain and frustration. She knew it was going to take some time and she was grateful that he was patient and just as inexperienced as she was. But right now, there was still a dull ache inside of her from their experimenting after a date on Saturday night.

"So," Derek sighed, sitting down on the couch beside her and reaching for her hand. "What do you want to do?"

Meredith smiled as she shifted to settle herself in his arms. Her arms wrapped around his waist as his own closed around her frame, a gentle hand moving slowly up and down her back. She nestled her head into his chest and he rested his chin against the top of her head. "I want to do this," she whispered. "Forever."

"Okay," Derek agreed easily, and the two of them sat in silence for several long, peaceful moments.

When she finally had the urge to move, Meredith shifted so that she was eye to eye with Derek, her hand finding its way through his hair. "You know," she whispered. "Maybe we can make it to second base."

Derek smiled as he reached out to stroke her cheek. "Second base sounds perfect," he whispered.

"Good," Meredith smiled, lowering her mouth to his and kissing him deeply.

"Mer," he sighed, leaning back into the cushions as she knelt over him. Their tongues were dueling with each other, fighting for power, and she felt the familiar warm heat spread through her body at the feeling of Derek's mouth on hers. Her heartbeat began to increase as he slowly lifted his fingers to undo the buttons on her blouse, and a moment later the shirt was discarded to the floor, leaving her neck and shoulders open to his hungry mouth.

"Derek," she sighed, arching her head back as he trailed gentle bites and kisses along her smooth skin. "Hmmm…" Her body trembled at the touch of her warm lips, and when he pushed the cup of her bra aside to allow his mouth access to her breast, she gasped loudly and held his head against her, not wanting the pleasant feeling inside of her to stop anytime soon.

"Meredith," he breathed, trailing kisses back up to her mouth and smiling slightly as she reached for the buttons on his own shirt. Her fingers ran gently over the soft hair on his chest, causing his body to tense against hers.

"Derek?" she breathed as he returned his lips to her neck.

"Hmmm?" his voice was muffled by her skin.

"This weekend," she breathed, arching her body into his. "My parents…Boston…"

"Good," Derek smiled as he brought his lips to hers again.

"And you," she swallowed hard as his mouth moved towards her bra again. "I mean we…we can try again. To make love."

Derek pulled back to look at her, his eyes full of concern as they read hers carefully. "Mer, you know I don't need…"

"Shh…" she smiled down at him, pressing a finger to his lips before she leaned down and kissed him firmly. "I know you don't need it. But I want it."

Derek smiled warmly up at her, a hand moving to push her hair out of her face. "Well, I don't want to deny my girl anything she wants…"

"How gentlemanly of you," she giggled as she leaned down to kiss him again.

They continued kissing for a little while longer, and were only jarred out of their heated bubble when the room was illuminated with car headlights through the window, indicating that a car was pulling into the driveway.

"My parents," Meredith gasped, pulling away from Derek and fumbling for her shirt.

"That's mine," Derek snapped, quickly exchanging shirts with her before pulling his own shirt on.

"Okay…act natural," Meredith said, shoving him to one end of the couch before she settled herself at the other end and straightened out her hair.

"Meredith?" her mother's voice called as the front door opened.

"Here, Mom," Meredith said, smiling as her parents appeared in the doorway. "How was dinner with the Nelsons?"

"Wonderful," Ellis nodded, eyeing Derek suspiciously. "How was your day at school?"

"It was amazing," Meredith said, reaching for Derek's hand. "Derek was accepted to Bowdoin."

Neither one of them missed the expressions of surprise and impressiveness that passed over both of the Greys faces. "Well, that's a fine institution," Thatcher finally nodded.

"Thank you, sir."

"Of course, it's quite convenient that Bowdoin is so close to Bates," Ellis said coolly. "I do wish Meredith would consider going to a school closer to home."

"Mom," Meredith sighed. "We went through this already. Bates is a good school. I'm going to get a good education."

"If you don't throw your life away for some boy," Ellis stated, her eyes focused solely on Derek.

"Derek isn't some boy," Meredith sighed. "I've known him my whole life. He was my best friend before he was my boyfriend."

"Yes, I've heard it all," Ellis let out a deep sigh as she pulled her gloves off. "I do have the worst headache. I think I will retire for the night. Mr. Shepherd, it's time you went home now."

"It's only eight thirty," Meredith protested.

"And he didn't have permission to be here," Ellis snapped.

"It's okay, Mer," Derek said, rising to his feet and nodding to her parents. "Your mother is right, I shouldn't have come over without their permission. I should be getting home anyways."

Meredith fought the urge to roll her eyes. Derek could be the biggest kiss up sometimes. "I'll see you out," she murmured as she brushed past her parents.

"Two minutes, Meredith Elizabeth," Ellis called as Meredith stepped onto the front porch, pulling the door closed behind her.

"Sorry about them," she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck and standing on her tiptoes.

"I'm used to it," Derek shrugged. Her parents had never taken to him.

"You shouldn't have to be used to it," Meredith sighed, resting her forehead against his. "But I love you."

"And that's all that matters," Derek assured her, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "I love you too."

"Meredith!"

"I have to go," she sighed, giving him one last peck before she turned to walk back into the house. "See you tomorrow."

"Bye Mer," he smiled. He was halfway across the street when he heard her shout his name. He turned back to face her house and smiled to see her leaning out her window.

"I'm so proud of you," she called before blowing him a kiss and ducking out of the window.

He shook his head before he turned back to his own house, her words making his life entirely perfect in this moment.


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith sighed as she pulled her elbow length black gloves on and reached for the hat that sat on the side of her bed. Her outfit was not complete, if not horrible, and she slowly made her way down the stairs to meet her parents. She was being forced to attend a benefit to support the war efforts, and while she believed that the American people should do everything they could to try and end the war, she didn't think dinner dances at her parents country club truly did much. It was just a way for snobs like her parents to think they were helping when they were really just enjoying themselves and ignoring the realities of the world.

"Meredith, that outfit looks fantastic on you," Ellis smiled as Meredith approached the front door where Thatcher was helping Ellis into her coat. "I especially love the hat."

"Thank you, Mom," Meredith sighed, trying to balance the wide brimmed hat on her head.

"Now let's hurry, we're going to be late," Ellis commanded as she made her way towards the door.

"Do we have to stay long, Dad?" Meredith asked as she trailed after her father.

"Of course, Meredith," he said. "First there are drinks and appetizers, then dinner, dessert, and then the dancing starts."

"And it's for the war effort, Meredith," Ellis sighed. "You really should be more grateful for what you have. You have a very privileged life, and you should be willing to do what you can to help the war effort so that some of the teenagers in Europe could be blessed with the security you have in your life."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Sorry, Mom."

"And I do believe that Christopher Pratt will be there," Ellis continued. "He has always been so interested in you, Meredith."

"I don't care," Meredith insisted. "I'm dating Derek."

"For now," Ellis sighed. "But in a much more realistic sense, Christopher is a much better choice."

"Maybe for another snobby girl who is looking for nothing else than to be a housewife," Meredith argued.

"And what else could you possibly do?" Ellis asked.

"Lots of women are getting jobs now," Meredith insisted. "Since so many men are fighting, women are getting jobs and working. And it's entirely fair. Why should men be the only ones allowed to work?"

"That's ridiculous, Meredith," Ellis said. "I work."

"You volunteer as a nurse," Meredith corrected. "And when Derek and I get married, he says I can do whatever I want."

"Oh, for goodness sake," Ellis sighed. "I can't have this argument right now."

"Fine," Meredith sighed, crossing her arms over her chest and staring out the window for a long moment. When the silence became too much for her to handle, she smirked slightly before she asked, "Will the Hendersons be there?"

The car swerved slightly as her father tightened his hands around the wheel, and Ellis visibly tensed, even from Meredith's position behind her. Susan Henderson was a single mother of two girls, the identity of their father supposedly a mystery. But Meredith, like the rest of their small Long Island community, knew the truth. Thatcher Grey had had a long lasting affair with the woman, impregnating her twice before Ellis finally found out about the affair, forcing him to walk away from his other family. Meredith had been too young to realize it at the time, but now she knew; there was always a tension between Ellis and the warm, caring single mother of Meredith's sisters at the various dinner parties that they attended. Susan had defied society by working hard to provide for her daughters, and Meredith had spoken with both Lexie and Molly before. She even liked them. But what she liked the most about them was that she could irritate her mother by the simple mention of their name.

"I don't see why they wouldn't be there," Ellis said coolly. "They are members of the club, after all."

"Good," Meredith said with a small smirk. "It's been too long since I've had the pleasure of speaking with Lexie. She is such a dear friend, after all."

Her parents were silent for a long moment before Ellis turned to look at her. "I do not want you associating with those girls," she said firmly. "They are a bad example. That mother of theirs was never married, and yet she has two children."

"I think it's admirable that she has been able to provide such a satisfactory life for her children," Meredith said.

"Enough," Thatcher snapped, his first contribution to the conversation. "We are not to discuss this any more. Meredith, do not argue with your mother. She only has your best interest in heart."

"Right," Meredith scoffed. "Right after how our family looks to the rest of society."

"Meredith Elizabeth," Thatcher warned, turning to face her as he parked the car. "You had best improve your attitude or you will be sitting in this car while your mother and I enjoy the benefit."

Meredith was half tempted to accept his punishment, but then her stomach rumbled loudly, reminding her that there was pretty good food served at these functions. "Fine," she snapped, reaching for the door handle.

"Do you have something to say?" Thatcher prompted.

She had plenty to say, but she knew exactly what she had to say in order for her parents to stop hounding her. "Sorry for arguing," she said with a dejected sigh.

"Apology accepted," Ellis said, stepping out of the car and reaching for Thatcher's arm. "But I do hope that you will consider dancing with Christopher. He is such a delightful boy, and his parents are such dear friends. It would be such a pleasure to host a wedding with them."

Anger boiled inside of Meredith, but she simply clenched her fists as they walked into the banquet hall. She would laugh about this later, with Derek on his front porch while they split a piece of cake left over from his celebration the night before.

"Mr. and Mrs. Grey!" a smiling, portly woman smiled as she came over to greet the family. Meredith rolled her eyes at the woman's overly formal outfit and the way she greeted her parents, with a kiss on each cheek. "And this can't be our little Meredith!"

Meredith found herself engulfed in a hug before she knew what was even happening, and she could only offer a polite smile as she pulled back. "I can't believe how big you've gotten, dear," the woman said.

"Um…thank you," Meredith smiled.

"Surely you remember Mrs. Peters," Ellis said. "She has always been a dear friend of the family."

"Of course," Meredith sighed, even though she was certain she had never seen the woman before in her life.

"Meredith has been accepted to Bates for the fall," Thatcher said proudly.

"Well, that's a wonderful school," Mrs. Peters offered Meredith a tight smile. "It's a shame that it's so far away. I hear that Christopher Pratt is going to Columbia. It will be difficult to continue a relationship from such a long distance."

"Relationship?" Meredith repeated.

"What she means, dear," Ellis said, placing a hand on Meredith's shoulder. "Is that you and Christopher would be so wonderful together. But I do think the two of you will be able to maintain a good friendship from far apart. And then, of course, when you come home after your education you can pursue something further while he goes to business school."

Meredith opened her mouth to argue, but quickly decided against it when she saw Thatcher's warning gaze. "Excuse me," she said, turning to quickly make her way towards the table where she saw Lexie Henderson seated alone.

"Meredith," Lexie smiled as she stood to greet her. "How are you?"

"Alright," Meredith sighed as she pulled back from Lexie's embrace. "My parents are trying to force Christopher Pratt on me."

Lexie frowned as they both sat down again. "Are you and Derek not together any longer?" she asked.

"Of course we are," Meredith sighed, reaching for a glass of wine off of a tray as it was passing by. "But my parents refuse to accept it."

"Oh," Lexie nodded slightly.

"So do we even know what this charity is benefitting?" Meredith asked.

"You might want to slow down on that," Lexie eyed Meredith as she downed the entire glass of wine in one sip. "And do we ever know what these benefits actually help?"

"See, this is why I like the Shepherds," Meredith said. "They aren't fooled by this crap."

"They also can't really afford to live like this," Lexie said softly.

"Maybe they're not as rich as our families are," Meredith nodded. "But they care. Mr. Shepherd works hard to make sure his family is provided for. And Derek is going to Bowdoin. He's going to be a doctor."

"Oh, Mer, that's wonderful," Lexie smiled. "And that's so near Bates."

"Exactly," Meredith smiled, tipping her head back with another glass of wine.

"Seriously, you might want to slow down," Lexie warned. "Your parents will probably disown you if you get drunk here."

"Well, if that's what it takes," Meredith shrugged. "And here comes that idiot."

Lexie looked up to see Christopher Pratt approaching their table. "What are you going to do?" she asked.

"Ignore him," Meredith shrugged, turning in the opposite direction and reaching for another glass of wine.

"Hello ladies," Christopher smiled as he reached their table. "You both look lovely."

Lexie smiled her thanks, but Meredith occupied herself with digging through her handbag.

"Meredith," Christopher offered her a smile. "Would you do me the honor of a dance?"

Meredith looked up at him for a moment before she shook her head. "I'm sorry, I don't think…"

"Of course she would," Ellis's voice joined the conversation and Meredith rolled her eyes. "Meredith, dear, you didn't come here to just sit around. Go dance with Christopher."

"But…"

"Just one dance, Meredith," Christopher offered her a charming smile. "It would be my pleasure to dance with the most beautiful woman in the room."

Meredith rolled her eyes again. "Fine," she said. She stood and strode quickly onto the dance floor, not waiting for Christopher. He quickly caught up with her and they got into position before they began to dance to the swing band that was at the front of the dance floor.

"You do know that nothing is going to happen between us, right?" Meredith asked.

"I just wanted a dance," Christopher said. "But I do think you are…quite attractive."

Meredith raised her eyebrows. "I don't think my boyfriend would be too happy to hear you say that," she said.

"You're dating someone?" Christopher asked. "Where is he?"

"Not here."

"Everyone who's anyone is here," Christopher pointed out.

"No, anyone who is living in a state of false reality is here," Meredith replied. "If you people actually think this is helping to end the war effort, you're delusional."

"Keep in mind that your parents are some of 'us people,'" Christopher pointed out.

"And they're the worst of them all," Meredith nodded.

"I really think you're being a little out spoken," Christopher said. "After all, most women aren't even aware of the realities of what is going on in Europe."

Meredith stared at him for a moment before she lifted her high heeled shoe and intentionally stepped on his oversized foot. "Oops," she said sarcastically before she turned and stormed off of the dance floor.

"Meredith," Lexie frowned as she saw Meredith hurrying towards the exit. "Where are you going?"

"Derek's," Meredith replied.

"But you live seven miles away," Lexie pointed out.

"Good thing you have a car," Meredith said.

"I don't think…"

"It's either that or I'm walking," Meredith shrugged. "What do you think? Do you really want to stay here and listen to all of this?"

Lexie paused for a moment before she nodded. "Fine," she said. "Let me just tell my mom."

Meredith ignored her parents' protests as she strode out of the reception hall, determined to send them a message of how she really felt about these social benefits.

"Are you okay?" Lexie asked as she started the car.

"Fine," Meredith shrugged, staring out the window.

"Really?" Lexie asked. "Because it looks like you're about to cry."

Meredith was silent as she wiped her gloved hand over the single tear that had escaped her eye. "I just don't understand why they don't accept him," she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

"Oh Mer," Lexie sighed. "I don't know. Derek seems like a great guy."

"Just because his parents don't believe in being all fake and phony all the time," Meredith swallowed hard. "I just don't get it. Derek is a better man than any of the men in that room."

"I know," Lexie sighed as she pulled up beside Derek's house. "Do you want me to go in with you?"

"No," Meredith said, leaning forward to hug her tightly. "Thank you, Lexie."

"You're welcome," Lexie sighed. "It will all work out, Mer."

"I hope so," Meredith sighed, offering her a wobbly smile before she got out of the car and made her way towards the front door. She let herself in, having long ago given up on knocking, and made her way to the dining room where she knew they would be eating dinner. Derek's back was towards her, but Michael was the first to see her.

"Meredith, we weren't expecting you," he said with a warm smile, gesturing to the empty seat beside Derek that had somehow become her own. His smile turned to a frown as he saw her tear streaked face. "Is everything alright?"

Derek was at her side in a second, wrapping an arm around her and frowning down at her in concern. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I thought you had a think with your parents tonight."

"I did," Meredith smiled. "I'm fine, really. I just realized that's not me. The dancing and the fake politeness. That's not me. I know I'm not a Shepherd. I'm a Grey, but….I do wish I was a Shepherd."

"Oh sweetheart," Carolyn smiled as she stood and made her way to Meredith's other side. "You have been a member of our family since the day Derek chased you through this house with his frogs. You are always welcome here, and I do believe that my son will one day make you a Shepherd for real."

"That's the plan," Derek promised. "But for now, we'll eat dinner and enjoy some more of Mom's chocolate cake. It's your favorite."

Meredith smiled up at him through her misted eyes. "It is my favorite," she whispered. "Thank you."

Derek smiled as he pressed his lips against her forehead. "My pleasure, Mer," he said, guiding her back to the table. "And you are a Shepherd. Don't ever forget that."


	4. Chapter 4

Meredith stood in front of the full length mirror in her bedroom, examining her appearance. She knew Derek thought she was beautiful no matter what, but tonight was special. Her parents were out of town, and although they had asked one of their friends to keep an eye on the house, she knew that the last thing anyone would want to do on a Saturday night was to look out over her house while she went on a date with Derek.

Her parents had been less than happy with her when they had come home from the benefit earlier in the week. Apparently she had embarrassed them and caused quite the scene, but all she had to do was conjure up some tears and tell them that she had had such a bad stomachache that she couldn't bear being in public. She'd apologized for ruining their night, but tearfully pointed out that if she had gotten sick all over the dance floor it would have been much more embarrassing for them.

They had bought every moment of it.

The doorbell rang from downstairs, and she smiled as she grabbed her hand bag and bounded down the stairs, smiling as she pulled the door open to reveal Derek standing in front of her. "Hi," she smiled, throwing herself into his arms and kissing him deeply.

"Hi," he laughed. "You look beautiful."

"Thanks," she smiled slightly, taking him in as well. "You do too. Look good, I mean."

"Thanks," Derek echoed her laugh. "I'm wearing your favorite shirt."

"I do love the good looking shirt," she smiled as she fingered the soft material of his deep red shirt.

"Let's go," Derek smiled, taking her hand and leading her down the street.

"Where are we going?" she asked, hooking her arm through his as they started down the sidewalk towards town.

"The diner," Derek smiled. "I briefly considered taking you somewhere nicer, but I know how much you enjoy the burgers and milkshakes."

Meredith giggled as she bumped her hip against his. "It's just because I'm dating the bus boy on the side," she said. "You're not mad, are you?"

"Not if he gives us a free meal," Derek teased back, smiling down at her as they approached the town.

"I'll see what I can do," she giggled, untangling her arm from his and skipping towards the diner.

"Very funny," Derek shook his head, but he was unable to resist the smile at how happy she seemed to be. It had been less than a week before that she had burst into dinner in complete tears, and he had spent most of the rest of the week worrying about her. But now she seemed to be completely happy, which in turn made him happy. Tonight was about their own private celebration of his acceptance to Bowdoin. She was proud of him, and that meant more to him than anything else in the world. She was his entire future, and it felt right to spend the evening with her, celebrating that the next step in their futures could be taken together.

"How was your day?" Meredith asked as they settled into their usual corner booth at the diner.

"Good," Derek smiled. "I worked at the store, sold a piano."

"Wow," Meredith raised her eyebrows. "Not a lot of people are buying pianos right now."

"They do when I'm convincing them," Derek said with a smirk as he leaned forward. "It's very hard to say no to me."

"Hmmm, that's weird," Meredith shrugged as she looked down at the menu she knew by heart. "I do it all the time."

Derek rolled his eyes as he leaned back in his chair. "Fine," he said. "Here I am, trying to charm you and buy you a nice dinner and you're saying no."

Meredith giggled as she leaned across the table, and a moment later he could feel her bare foot pushing up under his pant leg. "Don't worry," she whispered. "I'll be saying yes a lot tonight."

Derek coughed as he looked down at the table, trying to control his emotions and the implications of her words.

"Can I take your order?" a boy he recognized from Liz's class appeared at the end of their table.

"Hi," Meredith smiled up at him. "Cheeseburger and a strawberry shake please."

"Of course," he said. "And you?"

"Cheeseburger and vanilla shake please," Derek requested.

"I'll get that right out for you," he smiled before he disappeared again.

"So what did you tell your parents you were doing?" Meredith asked as she sipped at her water.

"I told them Mark's parents are out of town and they trusted me to supervise the house," Derek smirked.

"Very good," Meredith giggled. "And I promise…we can go through with it tonight. All the way."

"Mer," he shook his head slightly as he reached for her hand. "Don't worry about that. You know I don't need it."

"I know," she sighed, looking around the busy diner for a moment. "Let's not talk about it here."

"Agreed," Derek nodded, but he didn't let go of her hand.

Dinner came and went with easy conversation and teasing. They had been friends for so long before they got together that they could put the romantic part of their relationship aside for long enough to just be friends, and talk as such. It wasn't until they had split an ice cream sundae that Derek paid the bill and they began walking back towards her house arm in arm.

"Thanks for dinner," Meredith smiled as she rested her head against his shoulder.

"My pleasure," Derek assured her, squeezing her waist tightly.

"I'm so glad summer is almost here," Meredith sighed. "The air just feels…different."

"Warmer," Derek teased.

"Not just that," she elbowed him in the side. "There's just some kind of summer atmosphere or something. It's completely refreshing."

"You're right," Derek smiled as he looked down at her. "Summer suits you."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You just…look happier," Derek smiled. "Freer or something. Your hair gets lighter and suits your skin color better. I love summer Meredith."

"Only summer Meredith?" she raised an eyebrow as they approached her front porch.

"I love you all year," Derek laughed. "But I can just tell how much you love summer."

"I do," Meredith smiled. "But I love you more."

"I love you too," he whispered, pulling her into his arms and kissing her gently.

"Let's go inside," she whispered against his lips.

"Inside," he agreed, gently pushing her through the front door.

"Um…do you want anything to drink or anything?" Meredith asked as she walked into the living room, switching the radio on.

"No thanks," Derek smiled, watching her hair fall in front of her face as she leaned over to adjust the radio dial.

"Hmmm," she sighed contentedly as a soft waltz came on through the speakers.

"Do you want to dance?" he heard himself asking.

Meredith looked at him in surprise. "You hate dancing," she said.

"I like dancing with you," he countered.

"Derek, at Kathleen's wedding you didn't even dance in the bridal party dance," Meredith argued. "I had to dance with your cousin from Boston."

"Yeah, well…I was just a kid then."

"Alright, at Nancy's wedding, last year, you didn't dance with me until you were too drunk to say no."

"But I danced," he argued. "That's progress. But right now, you look so beautiful I can't imagine not dancing with you."

Meredith blushed slightly as she looked down at her feet for a moment. Finally she stepped into his arms and allowed him to lead her around the living room. "You know you can be pretty corny sometimes," she said.

"I try," Derek smiled down at her. "But it's the truth, Mer."

She smiled up at him before she untangled their hands to wrap her arms around his neck. She kissed him passionately, stopping their movements around the living room. "Derek," she whispered as he lifted her off of the ground. "Can we…upstairs?"

Derek broke his lips away from her neck and looked down at her. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"I'm sure," she nodded, arching her hips slightly against the bulge she could feel developing in his pants. "Tonight…it's different, Derek. I'm ready."

"Okay," he smiled, sweeping her up into his arms so that he was cradling her as he moved towards the stairs.

She swallowed hard as he set her on the floor of her bedroom, and she moved to close the door behind them. "Do you have, um…protection?"

"Yes," Derek nodded, reaching into his pocket and pulling out some condoms. "I asked Mark for some, I don't think he has ever been so proud of me."

"Let's not talk about Mark right now," she requested, biting her lower lip as she looked awkwardly around the room.

"Hey," he frowned as he hooked a finger under her chin and forced her to meet his eyes. "It's just me, Mer. You don't have to be nervous. If it's too much, we'll stop."

"I want you to make love to me," she whispered, tears filling her eyes.

"Don't cry, Mer," he said softly. "We'll just take it as far as we feel comfortable. Okay?"

"Okay," Meredith nodded slowly. She looked up at him for a moment before she backed away to the bed, pulling him with her. Derek smiled as he sat down beside her, looking at her closely before he leaned in to kiss her softly. She kissed him back, and after a moment he eased her back to the pillows, hovering over her as his hand found the buttons of her shirt.

They kissed for a long time as they slowly undressed each other, and after his pants joined her skirt on the floor, she sat up and guided his hands to the clasp of her bra. His eyes took her in hungrily as the bra was added to the pile of clothes beside her bed.

"Derek," she breathed, letting her head fall backwards as his mouth traveled to her breasts, sucking gently.

"Meredith," he sighed, trailing his lips back up to her mouth before easing her onto her back against the pillows. He hovered over her for a moment, his eyes searching hers for any hesitation. All he found, however, was love, passion, and excitement.

"I'm okay," she breathed, reading his thoughts. "I want you, Derek."

"I want you too," he whispered, his hands moving to her underwear and gently pulling them over her hips and down her legs. "Oh Mer, you're so beautiful."

She swallowed hard as he trailed his hands over her sides, then reached her own hands out to push his own underwear over his hips. She swallowed hard as she looked down at him, his swollen erection brushing against her thigh as he leaned down to kiss her again.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"Yeah," she swallowed hard. "I just…it's big."

"You do know what a guy likes to hear," Derek laughed slightly as he reached down to stroke her hair.

She smiled as she reached a shaky hand to the night table where he had rested the condoms. She quickly tore one open and reached for his erection, slowly rolling it on and letting her fingers brush against him.

"Meredith," he gasped, his eyes falling closed at the sensation of her fingers touching his over sensitized skin.

"Please, Derek," she whispered, her hands moving to wrap around his neck. "I want this, I promise."

He swallowed hard as he locked eyes with hers, bracing himself on his forearms as he slowly lowered himself into her. Meredith gasped at first, the sharp stab of pain spreading through her entire body as she felt him push his way inside of her. But she kept her eyes locked on his, taking in the love and passion that she saw reflected in the deep blue that she loved so much.

After a long moment, he stilled over her and was still inside of her, reaching a hand to brush her hair out of her face. "You okay?" he whispered.

"Yeah," she gasped, breathing hard as she felt her body stretching to accommodate him. There was still a little pain, but not nearly as much as there had been the last time they had tried. And there was something else. As Derek ran his hands over her sides and leaned down to kiss her softly, she could feel the pain starting to fade and give way to something better, to a feeling of pleasure that overtook every part of her body.

"Derek," she whispered, arching her hips slightly against his, gasping at the stimulation. "Please…"

"Hmmm," he sighed in pleasure as he pulled himself out of her and gently moved back in, starting a slow, smooth rocking motion as he started to make love to her. Meredith's eyes fluttered closed as she arched her body into his, the pain now completely gone as she wrapped her arms tightly around him. "Oh Mer…"

"Yes," she breathed softly as his hand traveled to her breast. "Oh…Derek…"

"Meredith," he moaned her name against her mouth as his movements became a little quicker. "Oh, yes."

"Derek!" she heard herself cry out as her walls tightened around him and her entire body began to tremble. She tugged on his hair as her body arched into his, and she let out a long moan of pleasure as she felt wave after wave of pleasure wash over her. "Oh, yes, Derek! Yes…yes!"

"Mer," he grunted as his own body tightened over hers, and she felt him swell inside of her as he let out a shout of pleasure, her name tumbling off of his lips and mixing in with her own cries of pleasure.

"Derek," she gasped, her breathing heavy as he collapsed on top of her, still nestled deep inside of her. "Oh, wow."

"That was…that was it," Derek breathed, leaning down to kiss her softly.

"I love you," she whispered, smiling as she looked deeply into his eyes. "Derek, I love you so much."

"I love you too," he smiled down at her before he rolled of off her, resting his head on his hand as another hand moved over her cheek. "That was amazing."

"I think we're getting the hang of it," Meredith giggled as she shifted closer to him, pulling the sheets over their cooling bodies.

"And they say it only gets better from here," Derek smiled.

Meredith sighed contentedly, resting her head against his chest and running her fingertips over his stomach as they waited for their breathing to return to normal. When she was sure that she was ready, she smiled slyly as she pushed Derek onto his back and straddled his hips.

"Want to do it again?" Derek laughed, his hands moving to her hips to stabilize her.

"Definitely," she smiled as she leaned down to kiss him. "But this time I'm in control."

XXXXXX

When she woke the next morning, Meredith was alone.

She frowned as she sat up in bed, her body slightly sore from what Derek had done to her the night before. His shirt was still discarded on the floor, but his pants were gone, indicating that he hadn't left. With a smile, she reached for the shirt and slid into it, loving the way his scent enveloped her. She quickly made her way down to the kitchen, where she could hear Derek moving around.

"So I finally let you get to third base and you make me wake up alone?" Meredith asked as she came up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her chin on his shoulder, peering down at the pancakes.

"Definitely not," he laughed as he turned his head to meet her lips. "I was going to wake you up with breakfast."

"Good, because I'm starving," Meredith giggled as she hopped onto the counter.

"I thought you would be," he smiled. "Last night was amazing."

"It really was," she smiled. "I'm glad it was you."

"I'm glad it was you too," he assured her as he flipped the pancakes. "I couldn't have imagined it with anyone else."

Meredith watched him for a moment before she said his name softly, prompting him to look at her. "What's going to happen next year?" she asked. "We'll be near each other, but neither of us will have cars. And we're not allowed to have visitors in the dorms after dinner. How are we going to have these moments?"

"There are buses," Derek assured her. "And if we want some privacy we might have to go to a motel, but it would be worth it, won't it?"

"I guess," Meredith sighed. "Last night was so incredible. And I don't want to lose that."

"We won't," Derek promised. "Right now, we have to work around our parents. Next year we'll have to work around the dorms. It might be a little harder, but we'll figure it out. I promise."

Meredith sighed. "I just wish we could be us," she said. "Without having to work around anyone else's rules."

"One day we will," Derek said. "We'll get married and have days like this all the time."

"Hmmm," Meredith sighed. "That sounds amazing."

"It really does," Derek agreed, and he handed her a plate full of pancakes. "Your breakfast, my lady."

"Thank you," Meredith smiled as she dug into the breakfast treat. She watched him for a moment as he stood over the stove, loving how comfortable he looked in her kitchen, in her life. She loved him more than she could ever have thought possible and she was more than happy that they had finally made love. And it had been better than she could ever imagined.


	5. Chapter 5

**This update is dedicated to Curly2202, who was an amazing help in setting up my new board. I couldn't have done it without her! The board is now up and running, and I hope it can be a more interactive place for people to talk. The link is in my profile page, and I hope to see you all over there. Thanks for reading!**

Meredith sighed as she shifted in the uncomfortable seat that had been placed on the football field of her high school. With a last name in the first half of the alphabet, she had received her diploma quickly and had to wait for the rest of her class to receive theirs as well. Derek still had yet to receive his, but Meredith was already bored and ready to go home. Her graduation robes were hot in the stifling afternoon sun, and she was still trying to fight the pain she felt at the fact that her parents hadn't come.

She wasn't sure why she was surprised. She knew her parents weren't exactly interested in her life, but she had thought she had made them somewhat proud by getting into college. She knew her parents wanted her to be married, but her father at least had encouraged her to receive an education first. Graduating high school was the first step towards that, but they didn't seem to care.

Fortunately, the Shepherds had enough pride for both her and Derek. Even Kathleen had shown up, cradling her new baby girl close to her. And the entire family had cheered when her name was called just as they were cheering for Derek as he walked across the front of the makeshift graduation platform. She smiled as she watched him move his tassel to the side, and blushed slightly as he winked at her on his way back to his own seat.

The ceremony had been fairly boring; the principal and the president of the class had both spoken about the trials and tribulations of the world they were graduating into, and how the graduates had the power to change the world and end the war if they wanted to. Meredith hadn't paid much attention, but now everyone was standing so she stood with them. And before she really knew what was happening, hats were flying in the air and people were cheering, for themselves and for their friends.

Just as she turned to face the back of the crowd, she found herself swept into two strong arms and being lifted off of the ground. She laughed loudly as she wrapped her arms around Derek, letting him spin her around in a gentle circle.

"We did it," he laughed as he set her on the ground. "We graduated."

"We did," Meredith smiled up at him. "We're real people now."

"And now we can celebrate," Derek laughed, leaning closer to her.

"Derek," she blushed, looking around at the people surrounding them. "Not here. We have to find your family."

"Fine," he sighed dejectedly. "But I already promised Mark we would have dinner with him and Addison tonight at the diner."

Meredith smiled up at him. "We can do that," she nodded as she took his hand. "Come on, let's go find your family."

"Mer," he sighed as he fell into step beside her. "I'm sorry about your parents. That they didn't come, I mean."

She shrugged. "It's not a big deal," she said. "I wasn't expecting much."

"But they still should have come," Derek said. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she smiled as she saw his family hurrying towards them. "My family is here."

Derek offered her a loving smile, but neither one of them could say anything as they were bombarded by a series of hugs and congratulations by the Shepherd family.

"Meredith," Michael smiled as he embraced her warmly. "We are so very proud of you."

"Thank you," she grinned as she pulled back from him. "That means a lot to me."

Michael offered her arm a squeeze before he turned to Derek. "And my only son," he laughed as he pulled Derek into a tight hug. "I'm proud of you, Derek. I can't believe that you're ready to go to college already, but I'm sure proud that you've done it."

"Thanks, Dad," Derek smiled, his eyes traveling back to Meredith as she took Kathleen's daughter Nicole into her arms. "Hey Kath," he smiled as he leaned in to kiss his sister's cheek. "She's gotten so big."

"She's three weeks old," Kathleen smiled proudly as she ran a hand over Nicole's fine black hair. "And she loves her Aunt Meredith."

"She's perfect," Meredith smiled as the baby curled closer into her chest. "Kath, you're so lucky."

"You'll have your own turn," Kathleen laughed. "Just give it a year or two."

"Longer than that," Meredith sighed as she glanced at Derek. "My parents are, well…I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to get their permission to be with Derek forever."

"We'll figure it out, Mer," Derek promised, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "Together. When the time is right."

Meredith nodded, her eyes widening slightly as Nicole's eyes fluttered open and she let out a soft cry. "Go to your mother," she whispered softly as she handed her back to Kathleen.

"We'll see you both at the house later?" Carolyn asked, her gaze moving between Derek and Meredith.

"Actually, we said we'd go to dinner with Mark and Addison," Derek said carefully. "I know this is supposed to be a family day, but Mark's shipping out to Hawaii this weekend…"

"We understand, sweetheart," Carolyn nodded, squeezing his arm. "Be safe. And be home by eleven."

"Thanks, Mom," Derek said, kissing her cheek quickly before he took Meredith's hand and led her to the parking lot, where Mark and Addison were waiting beside his car, parked beside Derek's.

"We did it!" Addison giggled as she embraced Meredith tightly.

"We did," Meredith laughed, returning the hug. Meredith had known Mark forever, he was Derek's best friend and naturally they had spent a lot of time together at the Shepherd home. But when they'd started high school and Mark had fallen for the wealthy, classy Addison Montgomery, Meredith had been grateful for another female to join their group. Over the past four years the four had become incredibly close, and Addison and Meredith had loved watching Derek and Mark play baseball for the school team. When Mark had enlisted in the Army in lieu of applying for college there had been some disconnect between the group, with Addison upset that he would sign up to get himself killed and Derek angry that his best friend hadn't even told him that he was thinking about enlisting. Things had all worked out for the best, however, and the four of them were able to enjoy their last month together as high schoolers without any drama.

But now Mark was leaving for training in Virginia, and then he was shipping out to Hawaii at the end of the summer. Addison was trying to convince her parents that she could move out there as well to support herself as either a nurse or a midwife, but so far they weren't supporting her in that fight. For now, however, the four of them would be together for the last time in a very, very long time, and Meredith wanted to enjoy it for all it was worth.

"We should go," Mark said as he pulled Addison back into his arms. "It's almost time for sunset."

"Our last night together and you're taking us to Inspiration Point," Meredith teased as she slid into the passenger side of Derek's car. "I hope you don't plan on making me unpure."

"I think it's a little late for that," Derek laughed as he put the car into motion. "And you know it has the best sunset in all of Long Island."

"Right, because that's what we focus on when we go there," Meredith giggled.

"And if I recall properly, you were the one who informed me that there were better things to do than, and I quote, 'watch the sun move around the sky when we could be making out,'" Derek laughed.

Meredith smiled as she slid closer and rested her head on his shoulder. "We were just starting out," she said. "Your parents didn't even know we were dating, this was the only place we had any privacy."

"Yeah, it was just us and whoever Mark was trying to conquest that night," Derek smiled.

"It was fun," Meredith said, looking around the empty parking lot as Derek pulled in and shut the car off. At the top of a relatively good sized hill, there was a small grassy field beside the parking lot, and Meredith followed him towards it, smiling as he spread a blanket on the ground and pulled her into his arms.

"Remember our first date?" Meredith whispered softly, leaning her head against his shoulder. "You brought me out here and made me a picnic."

"Of course I remember," Derek smiled, reaching for a bottle of wine and handing her a glass. "It was the best night of my life."

"Me too," Meredith sighed. "We should do that again. This summer, we should do it a lot."

"We can," Derek smiled. "Days I'm working at the store, but after closing…I'm yours."

"And you're watching the store while your family is at the shore," Meredith said. "While my parents are off in Europe."

"Which means we will be all by ourselves."

Meredith giggled as she moved even closer to him. "It will be amazing," she whispered.

"Alright, everyone needs to keep their clothes on," Mark's voice interrupted as he pulled Addison towards them, dropping a deli bag on the ground.

"Mark," Addison rolled her eyes.

"Don't pretend like you want to see Shep taking advantage of Grey," Mark said, his lips forming into a smirk. "Now, it would be different if all four of us were naked…"

"Shut up Mark," the three of them said in unison, Derek giving his best friend a friendly punch on the shoulder as he and Addison settled beside him and Meredith.

"It's beautiful out here," Addison sighed as she leaned into Mark.

"I can't believe it's all going to be over soon," Meredith sighed, gripping Derek's hands tightly where they rested on her stomach. "We're all getting separated soon."

"At least all of you get to leave this place," Addison sighed, looking out over the town below them. "I have to stay here and plan charity luncheons with my mother."

Mark pressed a kiss to her cheek. "We'll figure it out," he promised. "I'll get you to Hawaii with me."

"We should do something," Meredith said softly. "It's…going to be different when we're all back together again. We should do something to celebrate the fact that we're done with high school."

"Like what?" Mark asked around a mouthful of sandwich.

"Something exciting," Meredith said. "Our lives are just beginning, we have the whole world in front of us, we can do anything we want."

"Except drink," Mark said. "Or get tattoos. Or anything else the military won't let me do."

Derek laughed as he took a sip of wine. "You're not going to last a week in the army," he said.

"Why not?" Mark frowned.

"You got kicked out of camp when we were in second grade for raiding the girls' cabin."

"I've matured," Mark shrugged.

"Right," Addison said, setting her cup down and leaning into his embrace. "This is weird."

"What?" Meredith asked.

"It's like an entire chapter of our lives are ending," Addison said softly. "And we don't even know when we'll see each other again."

"We will," Meredith said confidently. "Derek and I will be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And Mark will come home sometimes."

"I'll have leaves," Mark said with a nod. "But we should enjoy this. Just in case…"

His voice trailed off, and all the rest of them knew exactly what he was thinking. They had to absorb every moment, in case he was sent to the war.

"So," Derek smiled as he reached to refill the wine glasses. "What will it be, Mark? Truth or dare?"

XXXXX

It was hours later, when she was laying naked and wrapped in Derek's arms in the backseat of his car that she allowed herself to revisit the emotions that had been plaguing her ever since she'd begun to think about moving on with her life.

"Derek," she whispered, pulling her head off of his chest to meet his eyes.

"Hmmm?" he asked, leaning in to kiss her briefly before he returned his eyes to hers.

"Will you promise me something?"

"Anything," he said confidently, wrapping a strand of her hair around her finger.

"Promise me that we won't lose this," she whispered. "I mean, I know we're going to be apart for college and everything, but eventually…we'll be like this again. Happy and in love, no matter what happens."

"We will," Derek smiled as he leaned in to kiss her. "After college we'll get married. And then we'll have babies and live happily ever after."

"Like your parents," Meredith smiled as she rested her forehead against his.

"Exactly," Derek smiled, running his hands over her back. "And we won't have to sneak around in the backseat of the car."

Meredith giggled as she kissed him gently again. "Promise me one more thing," she whispered. "That we'll never be my parents."

"Oh Mer," Derek sighed as he pulled her closer, wrapping his arms tighter around her. "Never."

Meredith closed her eyes tightly as she allowed herself to bask in the feeling of being in his arms, really believing that she and Derek might actually get a happily ever after.


	6. Chapter 6

Meredith smiled as she pushed the front door to Derek's house open. Instead of being greeted by the usual noisiness that was present in the house, she was met with the sound of silence that was usually accompanied with her house and not the Shepherds.

But Derek's entire family was at the Jersey Shore for the week, trusting him to maintain business at the store and keep an eye on the house. Combined with Meredith's continually absent parents, this meant that she had spent almost the entire past week at Derek's side. Even when he had been working at the store, she had been content to bring a book and sit behind the counter, or watch as he helped customers find their necessary purchases. She loved the small general store that had been in Derek's family for three generations, but she loved even more that she felt like she was getting a glimpse into their future together.

Days spent at the store and lingering dinners in which they shared a bottle of wine before they relaxed with the radio or under the stars were the completely perfect ending to a perfect summer. Nights full of passion and intimacy made their time together even more special, and she hated to think what was going to happen when she left for college in two days.

Tomorrow morning Derek's family would return and the usual Shepherd family noise would return. They would have dinner and she and Derek may sneak off for some time alone, but then she would be forced to go sleep in her own cold, lonely house. And then the next morning, her father would drive her to Maine in a long, boring drive. Derek would move into Bowdoin the next week, but the schools were just far apart that they would not be able to see each other frequently. Their visits would be limited to supervised interactions in the parlor of her dormitory and dinner dates in busy restaurants. This was the last time they could be alone in a long time, and she was going to take advantage of it.

"Hey," Derek smiled as he glanced at her over his shoulder from where he stood beside the stove. "I missed you."

"I just went to change my clothes," she giggled as she leaned in to press a kiss to his cheek and hopped onto the counter. "But I like seeing you all domestic."

"My mom made sure I knew how to cook after the mashed potato incident last Thanksgiving," Derek laughed. "She doesn't want us to starve."

"I won't let you starve when we get married," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Really?" Derek raised an eyebrow. "Because I seem to remember that we didn't eat the mashed potatoes off of the ceiling."

"It wasn't my fault they exploded," Meredith shrugged. "But I'll learn. I'm pretty sure that's all they teach us at college anyways."

Derek sighed as he looked at her for a moment. "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said, leaning over to pull a carrot off of a plate on the counter. "Just thinking."

"About?"

"About…how pointless it is for me to go to college when they only train you to be a good wife," Meredith said softly. "I know we'll be close together, but I just…we're not going to have that kind of marriage."

"I know, Mer," he sighed, offering her hand a reassuring squeeze. "And I would marry you right now if it was possible."

"It's not," she nodded. "I know it's not. You have no money and you have to go to college to become a doctor. And my parents still don't think that this is anything real, so we have to figure out how to tell them that we're serious about our relationship."

"Meredith," he breathed her name, leaning in to press his lips against her cheek. "It will all work out. And then we can live like this all of the time."

"It's been nice, hasn't it?" Meredith whispered softly. "Being alone."

"It's been amazing," Derek agreed. "I do it too."

"What?" Meredith asked.

"Pretend like this is real," he shrugged. "That we're married and that this is our house and our entire world isn't going to change in two days."

"It would be nice," Meredith said softly. "If this is what it would be like."

"It would be," Derek promised, handing her a plate of spaghetti and settling down beside her at the table. "At least until the kids come."

"Kids," Meredith sighed slightly. "Right."

"We don't have to talk about it now," Derek assured her. "Tonight, we'll just pretend."

"I like pretending," Meredith whispered. "It makes me feel like everything will be okay."

"Oh, Mer," Derek whispered, squeezing her hand tightly and leaning in to kiss her deeply. "Everything will be okay. I promise."

"Good," she said softly. "Because you've never broken a promise to me."

"And I'm not going to start now," Derek laughed before he pulled away and started to eat his own meal.

After the dishes were cleared and the kitchen cleaned, Meredith turned to face her boyfriend with a small smile. Each night had led to the same kind of passionate interactions, and she knew tonight wouldn't be any different. So she stepped towards him, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him deeply. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," Derek said, moving his hands to lift her off of the floor and into his arms. He silently led her towards the stairs, and she could feel him trying to control his body as she leaned forward to gently take his earlobe in her ear and nibble gently. "Meredith…"

"Derek," she breathed as he deposited her onto his bed, then stepped back to pull his own shirt over his head.

"I want you," he said roughly, his voiced with some kind of edge that she wasn't sure she had ever heard before. But she loved it.

"I want you too," she said, her shaking fingers moving to the buttons of her own blouse.

"I need you," Derek breathed, pushing his pants to the floor and standing naked before her, watching as she pushed her skirt over her hips, leaving her in her undergarments before him. "I want to make you mine."

"I'm yours," she promised as she revealed her breasts to him.

"Mine," Derek breathed, his breath catching in his chest as he drank her in. "My beautiful Meredith."

"Derek," she sighed, unexpected tears building in her eyes as she felt his heated gaze melt her entire being. "I love you."

"I know," he assured her, inching towards her and pinning her body to the bed with his own solid body. "Meredith, I want to take you so hard."

"So take me," she purred, wrapping a leg around his waist and leaning up to nibble gently on his neck.

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking down at her. She smiled at his obvious concern, loving the way he loved her. They'd made love a lot in the past three months, but she knew there were other ways. Ways she was curious about, and wanted to experience with Derek.

"Yes," she breathed, arching her hips against his straining erection. "Please, Derek. Take me."

Without another word, Derek raised his hips and looked deeply into her eyes, remaining still for a moment before he pushed himself all the way into her. Her head rolled back onto the pillows as the pleasure washed over her body, and she heard herself gasp loudly in response.

"Meredith," he groaned as he rocked his hips in and out of her, his pace frantic and without any sense of rhythm. "Oh yes…"

"Derek," she gasped. "Oh Derek yes...that's it...deeper. Yes...oh right there, yes..., there...oh yes!"

His hands were all over her as she felt herself begin to slip away, to the amazing place of complete pleasure that only Derek could bring her to. Her skin was heated and over sensitized as he moved quickly in and out of her. "Please," she begged him, tears building in her eyes from the overwhelming pleasure he was creating inside of her.

"Yes," Derek cried, his own body tense as her warm walls enveloped him and her wetness allowed him to slide easily in and out of her. "Oh Meredith."

"Oh!" she screamed loudly, her back arching into his. "Please, Derek, please don't stop!"

Fueled by her screams of delight, he increased his pace and began to rock into her harder, his hands gripping her hips hard. She was thrashing beneath him, her body almost convulsing as orgasm after orgasm swept through her. He'd never seen her like this, he'd never felt like this himself, and he wasn't sure he ever wanted it to stop. "Oh, yeah, that's it, baby…"

"Yes, Derek, oh yes!" she cried, her body tightening one last time as she let out a scream so loud that in the back of his head he was afraid the neighbors might hear. But then his own body began to tighten, and he felt himself explode into her as her walls tightened one last time.

"Derek," she gasped as he collapsed on top of her, his head nestled between her perfect breasts. "Oh my God."

"That was amazing," he murmured, his breath tickling her hot skin.

"More than amazing," she sighed. "Best ever."

"I can't believe we're losing this," he whispered into her skin.

Meredith was silent as her hands moved through his sweat soaked hair. For the past month or so she had voice all her concerns about their impending separation, and he had always been quick to comfort her and assure her that they could work through it. What she didn't realize was that he was going to miss her just as much as she was going to miss him.

"We'll have times," she said softly.

"When?" Derek asked, lifting his head to look at her, and her head broke at the desperation she saw in his eyes. She knew it well; she saw it often when she looked at herself in the mirror. "I'm not allowed into your dorm room, and there's no way for you to get to Bowdoin. The only times we'll see each other is when I come to take you to dinner."

"I know," Meredith sighed. "But we've done pretty well here. And I'm sure we'll be able to find a place to go park the car."

Derek smiled slightly as he looked down at her. "You like the car," he commented.

"I do," she giggled. "But we'll have to remember a blanket." The leather of the seats combined with their sweaty bodies had proved to be uncomfortable for both of them.

"I'll keep one in there," Derek sighed, still leaning over her as he reached to wrap a strand of her hair around his finger. "God, I love you so much, Meredith."

"I love you too," she whispered, tears filling her eyes.

"Don't cry," Derek requested softly. "Please don't cry, Mer. This is our last night alone together, I want you to be happy."

Meredith nodded slightly as she leaned up to kiss him. "I'm not sure why I'm so upset," she admitted softly. "We're going to be separated, but I know you're going to be safe. Addison… she has the right to be upset. Mark's on his way to Hawaii."

"Hey," Derek moved his hand to cup her cheek gently. "I am not going to war, Meredith. They'd laugh at me if I ever even wanted to."

She giggled slightly, her fingers playing in the soft hair on his chest. "You do look kind of funny when you run," she admitted.

Derek rolled his eyes slightly, but leaned down to kiss her. "We'll make it work," he promised. "But for now…let's just enjoy each other."

"Okay," Meredith whispered.

"Okay," Derek smiled, running his hands over her body as he leaned in to kiss her deeply.

"Derek," she sighed into his mouth, and a moment later she felt him swell against her thigh. "Oh yes…"

"You like that," he commented as he moved his hips slowly over her but didn't move into her.

"Yes," she gasped. "Derek…inside, please."

"Hmmm," Derek sighed, leaning down to trail his lips over her stomach. "Beg."

"What?"

"I want you to beg," he said softly.

"Please?" Meredith gasped.

"Not begging," his lips moved to the inside of her thighs.

"Oh," she gasped. "Please Derek….you're so large and hard. I want you inside of me."

"Getting closer," his mouth moved to her other thigh.

"Please," she gasped. "I…I'll be on top."

"Oh, bargaining," Derek laughed. "I like it."

"Please," she breathed, her breath already shallow and quicker than usual. "Derek, please!"

"Hmmm," Derek sighed as he rolled onto his back, pulling her on top of him and running his hands up and down her sides. She smiled as she leaned down to kiss him, trapping his lower body beneath her by squeezing her thighs tightly around his waist. "Meredith," he sighed, reaching up to push her hair out of her face.

She sighed in pleasure as she lowered herself onto him, her head falling back as she took every inch of him into her. "Derek…"

"Oh yes," Derek sighed as he moved his hands to her hips, gently guiding her movements over him, her slick walls moving over his erection over and over again. "Meredith…"

She moved slowly over him, bracing herself on his shoulders as he guided her movements. His moans and gasps of pleasure fueled her on, and after a long moment she took his hand off of her hip and gently guided it to her breast. He wasted no time in massaging her, their bodies rocking together in time with her gentle rocking motions over him.

"Meredith," he gasped, and she felt him swell inside of her. "Oh yes…"

"Derek," she gasped as she leaned down, closing the gap between them to press her lips against his, her tongue finding entry into his mouth. "Let go."

"Mer," he cried, his hips rocking up into hers. "Yes, Meredith, yes!"

"Derek!" her own cries of pleasure mixed in with his, and they came together in a mess of tangled limbs and tugging on sweat soaked hair. "Oh Derek."

"Mer," he gasped as she collapsed on top of his chest. They were both silent for a long moment as they caught their breath, his hands moving gently through her hair as she trailed her fingers over the soft patch of hair on his chest. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," she whispered, lifting her head to look into his eyes. "Forever."

"Forever," Derek promised, leaning in to seal the deal with a kiss.

And then they drifted into a peaceful sleep, lying in each other's arms for the last time in several months, both of them cherishing the feeling for as long as possible

XXXXX

Two days later, Meredith was sitting completely abandoned in her new dormitory room. She could hear the other girls on her floor settling in and getting to know their roommates, but her parents had requested a single for fear that she would be corrupted by the other girls at the school. So she sat alone in her room, her father having left long ago.

She had tried to make the room as much like home as possible. Her clothes were carefully put away, and a photograph of her and Derek sat on her night table beside her bed. Her books were neatly stacked on the bookshelf in the corner, and on the wall she had taped letters Derek and Carolyn had given to her that morning before she had departed for Maine. The room was cozy and comfortable, but somehow it didn't feel right. Something was missing and she knew exactly what it was.

Derek wasn't there.

But he had promised to write, and he was already planning to come visit her in two weeks. So now she had to go meet the other girls on her floor and try to make friends.

She was going to be living here for four years, so she might as well make the best out of it.


	7. Chapter 7

Meredith smiled at her reflection in the mirror, smoothing her skirt over her legs. Derek would be here any moment, and although he wasn't able to come upstairs to her dormitory he had promised her a surprise. And although she usually hated surprises, she was much too excited to worry about that.

The past two weeks had not been as bad as she had anticipated. She had made some friends with girls in her dormitory and in her classes, and she had found out that it only took two days for postage to move between her and Derek. They had exchanged a few letters and he had promised her that they would have some privacy on their date tonight. She glanced to the clock above her desk, knowing that it would be any moment before her dorm mother came to tell her she had a guest. As much as she hated how they couldn't spend any time together in her room, she knew she should just be grateful that Derek was safe at college instead of fighting in a war all the way across the world.

"Meredith?" Her house mother Pamela knocked on the door and poked her head into the room. "Mr. Shepherd is here to see you."

"Oh," Meredith smiled, her cheeks pinking slightly as she looked at herself in the mirror one last time. She grabbed her purse from the coat rack and smiled at Pamela as the two of them made their way towards the stairs.

"He seems like a wonderful young man," Pamela said as they approached the guest lounge. "I'm happy for you."

"Thank you," Meredith smiled before she stepped into the lounge, her heart skipping a beat as she laid eyes on her boyfriend, looking out the window as he stood in the corner of the room. "Derek."

"Mer," he turned to look at her with a wide smile, his eyes lighting up in the way that he loved so much. "I am so happy to see you."

"Me too," Meredith breathed, reaching for his hand and squeezing hard, mindful of the eyes of her housemates that were focused on the two of them.

He squeezed her hand back as he took her in. "Are you ready to go?" he asked.

"Yes," she smiled, tucking her hand into his arm and matching his stride as they left the room. As soon as they were outside, Derek pulled her towards a cluster of trees and pulled her roughly to his body.

"I am so glad to see you," he whispered as his lips found hers. "You look beautiful."

"I missed you," she whispered against his lips. "It's only been two weeks, but…I missed you."

"I missed you too," he breathed, hugging her close and burying his face in his shoulder.

"Where are we going?" she asked, reaching for his hand. "I have to be back by eleven."

"I know," he laughed as they began walking towards the parking lot. "They made sure that I knew the rules."

"Sorry," Meredith sighed. "But at least they're nicer than my parents."

"That they are," Derek laughed. "And it's a surprise."

"I hate surprises."

"I'm glad to see that nothing has changed," Derek said as he started the car.

"It's been two weeks, Derek," she rolled her eyes. "Not much can change in two weeks. Unless you count how we got together overnight. Everything changed in less than two weeks."

Derek smiled as he reached over to pull her closer to him. "That was an amazing change," he agreed. "This change is not so good."

"We'll get through it," Meredith sighed. "How was your first week at school?"

"Fine," Derek shrugged. "I bought some textbooks, went to class. It's going to be challenging, but I'm looking forward to it."

"Good," Meredith smiled. "You can do it, Derek. You're smart, and you're going to be an amazing doctor."

"I hope so," Derek sighed. "How about you? Have you made any more friends?"

"Yeah," Meredith said softly. "Kelly and I went out for ice cream a couple nights ago. Her boyfriend goes to Harvard, so we're kind of in the same position. Except you're closer than he is."

"Thank God," Derek sighed as he pulled into a parking lot.

"Where are we?" Meredith asked as she looked around.

"We'll have dinner here," Derek said, reaching for the handle of his car. "And then we can go to Bowdoin."

"Why are we going there?" Meredith asked.

Derek laughed slightly as he leaned in to kiss her softly. "Male dormitories don't have as many rules," he said softly. "All I needed to do for privacy was to buy my roommate some beer and tell him to have some fun at the fraternity party."

Meredith smiled widely. "We can be alone?" she asked.

"We can," Derek nodded. "Really alone."

"Well what are we doing here then?" Meredith asked. "Can't we just go there."

Derek laughed as he leaned in to kiss her again. "Because I love you," he said. "I want to wine you and dine you. I don't just want to have my way with you."

"Oh," Meredith breathed, ducking her head down and blushing slightly. She sometimes forgot how much he loved her. And how much he loved to show that he loved her.

"Let's go eat," Derek said as he moved around to her side of the car, pulling her to her feet and into his arms. They made their way into the restaurant and were seated, at which point she realized that this place was mostly frequented by Bowdoin students. Young men were seated throughout the restaurant with girls about her own age, and she couldn't resist leaning closer to Derek with a sparkle in her eyes.

"So this is where you Bowdoin boys take your dates before you get lucky."

Derek looked up from his menu, his eyes meeting hers with uncertainty as to whether she was joking or not. "Mer, I…I just heard it was a good date place."

She giggled as she leaned back into her seat. "It better be," she smiled. "Because you're not going to be getting any if it's not."

Derek raised his eyebrows as he set his menu aside and leaned forward. "Well, it's a good thing there's steak on the menu."

Meredith laughed. "Steak," she sighed. "I haven't even thought about having steak in weeks."

"It's your favorite," Derek commented.

"Yes," Meredith sighed as she reached for her water. "But proper young ladies don't eat steak. No proper young gentlemen will want to marry us."

Derek stared at her in surprise for a moment with a frown. "Is that what they're teaching you at this school?" he asked.

"No," she giggled. "I'm taking literature classes. But we do have to know how to eat properly at dinnertime. Apparently my bites are too large."

"Well they should have been there when you shoved two and a half meatballs in your math on Dad's birthday last year," Derek laughed.

"Shut up," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Meredith," he smiled, leaning forward to take her hand in his. "You don't need to listen to anything they say about finding a husband."

"I don't?" She raised an eyebrow. She knew what he was going to say, but that didn't mean that she didn't love hearing him say it.

"No," he said firmly. "Because one day you and I are going to get married. And I love you just the way you are. I love that you love steak, I love that you're loud and outspoken. And I love that you're determined to be something other than a housewife, even though that's what society dictates from you."

"I know," she breathed. "And I love you for that, Derek."

"I love you too."

She smiled as she turned to look at the waiter that had approached their table. The rest of the evening passed quickly, with her and Derek discussing their various experiences of college so far. Although she knew the night had to come to an end, she couldn't help but allow her body to tremble slightly in anticipation of what was going to happen after dinner. By the time Derek had paid it was only eight thirty, leaving them with two hours before they had to depart for Bates. She slid her hand into his as they left the restaurant, and she followed him down the street to the Bowdoin dorms. "Thanks for dinner," she said softly.

"You're welcome," he smiled, releasing her hand to wrap an arm tightly around her shoulders. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too," she whispered softly. "I hate being apart."

"After we graduate," Derek whispered. "I'll never leave your aside again."

"That might get a little annoying," Meredith stated.

"This is what I get for trying to be romantic," Derek said as they approached a collegiate brick building and he reached into his pocket for his keys.

"I don't like romance."

"Yet another example of what I love about you," he said as he escorted her into the building, nodding to the evening watchman. "You're night like other girls."

"What fun would that be for you?" she giggled.

"None at all," Derek smiled as he pulled her out of the staircase and pushed the door to a corner room open. "Welcome."

"It's…nice," Meredith said, stepping into the room and looking around. There were two very separate sides to the room, with a bed in each corner, a desk at the end of each bed. The side to her right was messy, clothes thrown over the unmade bed and pictures of a very beautiful girl hanging all over the wall. The side to her left was obviously Derek's with the bed neatly made and his clothes all put away. Two pictures hung on the wall beside his pillow. One was of his family taken at Nancy's wedding about a year ago, the other her yearbook photo from the previous year. Its edges were slightly worn and she smiled slightly, knowing that he must have taken it out of his wallet so he could look at it every morning.

"Your mother taught you well," she finally said, turning to look at him.

"She'd be proud," he agreed, gently closing the door behind him and moving to take her into his arms. "Mer, if you don't want to."

"Hey," she frowned as she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. "When have you ever known me to not want to?"

"Well…never," he said. "But we don't have to. I don't want you to think this is the only reason I'm going to get you at Bates."

"I know that," she said softly. "We'll do other things. Movies, Ice cream, parties. But tonight, I want this. I need you to make love to me."

"Well," Derek smiled as he leaned down to kiss her deeply. "How can a man refuse an offer like that?"

An hour and a half later they were tangled together in the heat of the moment, both of them trying to come down from their highs. Meredith took a shaky breath as she pushed herself off of his chest, looking around the room for a moment.

"What are you doing?" Derek frowned, pulling on her arm to bring her closer to him again.

"Nothing," she said, leaning down to kiss him again. "I'm just curious."

"About what?" he asked, leaning back in the pillows and resting his hands behind his head, watching as she reached for his shirt.

"College boys," she giggled as she reached to open his night table. "Apparently it's almost required for you all to keep inappropriate magazines hidden."

"I don't need those," he laughed as she moved towards his desk. "I have you."

"I'm just making sure," Meredith giggled, her face turning serious when she opened his bottom drawer and saw a small stack of letters. "Derek, you're keeping my letters?"

"Of course," he said, sitting up in bed with a frown. "Why not?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, looking down at the paper she had written less than a month ago and had never expected to see again. "They're not important."

"Of course they're important," Derek argued. "Everything you say to me is important. And since this is the only communication we have right now, I like keeping them. Do you not keep mine?"

"No, I do," she said. "I guess I just…thought your letters to me meant more than mine did to you."

"Meredith," he breathed as he reached for her. "When are you going to get over this self doubt?"

"Would you stop loving me if I said I didn't know?" she whispered gently.

"Never," he sighed. "I love you, Meredith Grey. Nothing you can say or do will ever change that."

"Good," she smiled, kissing him softly before she turned back to the letters, accidentally picking up one that wasn't from her. "Oh…Mark's already in Hawaii?"

"Yeah," Derek sighed in relief. "Thank God he got placed there instead of Europe. He won't be doing much besides surfing and chasing hula dancers all over the island."

Meredith laughed as she looked down at the letter. "Addison still hasn't convinced her parents to let her go."

"No," Derek said. "We have a lot to be grateful for, Meredith."

"I know," she whispered as she tucked herself into his arms. "Here I am wishing that you weren't twenty minutes away, when half the girls at my school have boyfriends fighting in Germany."

"We really shouldn't complain," Derek agreed. "But we should leave."

Meredith sighed, glancing over her shoulder at the clock. It was ten thirty, meaning that they had half an hour to make the curfew back to Bates. "I still think it's not fair," she said. "That I have a curfew and you don't even have to check in with anyone."

"I can't do much about that," Derek sighed. "You know I don't believe that women should have less than men."

"I know," she smiled as she kissed him softly. "It's why I love you."

"Thanks for tonight," he said as he wrapped his arms around her. "Two weeks?"

"Two weeks," she nodded. "Maybe we can go to a motion picture."

"Perfect," Derek said, stepping back to examine her.

"Do I look presentable?" Meredith asked.

"You do," he nodded. "Let's go."

The drive back to Bates was quiet and comfortable, and Derek walked her to the door of her building, stopping under the streetlight to look at his watch. "Five minutes to spare."

"Five minutes," she giggled as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "I can do a lot in five minutes."

"I know you can," he murmured as he pressed her lips against his softly.

"Meredith?" a voice interrupted them a moment later. "Oh, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Meredith said a bit breathlessly as she stepped away from Derek. "Jessica, this is my boyfriend Derek."

"Nice to meet you," Jessica blushed slightly as she shook Derek's outstretched hand. "Pamela is starting to lock up."

"Okay," Meredith sighed as she turned to look at him. "I love you."

"I love you too," he said, leaning in for one last kiss. "Two weeks."

"Two weeks," she nodded.

Meredith smiled as she watched him walk away, her grip remaining on his hand until she couldn't hold it anymore. She turned back to Jessica when he was out of sight and together the two of them walked into the dormitory. "What's wrong with Kelly?" Meredith frowned as they passed the open door of her new friend, seeing several girls in their night clothes, gathered around the girl as she sat on her bed staring straight ahead.

"She got a telegram earlier," Jessica whispered. "Her boyfriend was just killed in action."

Meredith felt her blood run cold at the word killed. She wasn't a religious person, but in that moment she said a silent prayer of thanks that Derek was not going anywhere before she rushed to comfort her new friend.


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm so glad that you're all enjoying this story! A lot of you have some pretty interesting predictions about what's going to happen, and I promise that things are going to start to pick up starting with this chapter. Enjoy and please review :)**

Two months later, Meredith was jolted awake by the sound of someone pounding on her door in the middle of the night. She sat upright in bed and looked around the room for a moment, trying to oriented her still mostly asleep self. After a moment she realized where the pounding was coming from and stumbled to the door, noting the time on the way there. And wondering why anyone would be knocking on her door at two in the morning.

"Pamela?" she frowned, squinting into the bright light of the hallway. "What's wrong?"

"You have a phone call," Pamela said softly.

"Phone call?" Meredith frowned. Her dorm mother had a telephone in her apartment for emergencies only. And if she was waking her this late at night, there had to be something very wrong. "Who is it?"

"It's your boyfriend," Pamela said softly. "He sounds pretty upset."

Meredith felt her stomach clench as she followed Pamela to her corner apartment, knowing that something must be very wrong. Derek would never be calling her like this in the middle of the night.

"Derek?" she asked tentatively as she sat down on Pamela's couch and held the phone up to her ear.

The other end of the line was silent for a long moment before she heard him gasp her name out. "Mer…"

"Derek," she whispered. "What is it?"

"My…my dad," he gasped. "He…he…"

"Derek, calm down," she whispered, praying that he wasn't going to say what she knew he was going to say. "Just breathe. Take your time and breathe."

He took a few gulping breaths on the other end of the phone, and a moment later he found his words. "He was shot. He's gone, Meredith."

"What…" Meredith breathed. "What happened?"

"Some guys robbed the store, I don't know," Derek said. "Liz called my dorm in a complete panic. I have to go home."

"I'll go with you," she said automatically.

"I'll come get you," he said firmly.

"I'll be ready in ten minutes," she whispered. "Derek, I…I don't know what to say to you right now."

He was silent for a moment. "I just need you," he breathed. "I keep thinking that maybe when I see you, when I can hold you in my arms everything won't seem completely wrong in this moment."

She swallowed hard as she tried to keep the tears that were threatening to fall at bay. "I love you," she finally whispered.

"I love you too," he said. "I'll leave right now. I need you, Mer."

"I'll be there," she whispered before she hung up the phone and stared straight ahead of her for a moment.

"Is everything okay?" Pamela's voice came from beside her.

"No," Meredith said after a moment. "Derek's father…He's dead."

"Oh my," Pamela said as she sat down beside Meredith. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

"I don't know," Meredith whispered. "He wasn't my father. But he taught me to ride a bike. He saved up to buy me a gold cross when I turned sixteen, just like he did for all of his daughters. When Derek and I started dating, he gave Derek, his own son a big long lecture about not hurting me. And now he's just…gone."

Pamela smiled sadly as she reached out to run a comforting hand over Meredith's back. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "Is he coming to get you?"

"Yeah," Meredith breathed. "I have to get my things together."

"I'll let your professors know that you're leaving," Pamela offered. "Take all the time you need to come back."

"Thanks," Meredith said as she slowly pushed herself off of the couch and made her way back to her bedroom. She pulled her suitcase out from under her bed and began to throw things into it without really thinking about it. She changed into the clothes she had been wearing the day before, not particularly caring about the fact that they were wrinkled and dirty. After a few minutes she made her way out the front door, freezing momentarily at the sight of Derek's car parked under a streetlight.

She slowly made her way to the vehicle and knocked on the driver's window, smiling sadly at Derek as he turned to look at her. Their eyes met through the window for a single moment, and then before she knew what was happening he was out of the car and pulling her close to him, crushing her against him so tightly that she couldn't breathe. Normally she would have protested him holding her so tightly, but in this moment she knew that he needed her. And she needed him just as badly, so she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, letting him bury his face in her shoulder. And after a moment she felt moisture seeping onto the skin of her neck and realized that he was crying. She tightened her arms around him, trying to fight the tears of her own. She had to be strong.

She had never seen Derek cry before.

"Meredith," he whispered softly. "Oh Mer."

"It's okay," she whispered softly, a hand traveling to his hair and stroking gently in the way she knew he loved. "Let it out, Derek, I'm here."

If she thought it was at all possible she would have sworn that his grip tightened around her waist. But after that fraction of a second he pulled back and shook his head. "I can't," he said. "Mom, the girls…they need me."

"Derek," she sighed, watching as he turned to watch him pull her bag into the trunk.

"No," he said. "I'm the man of the house now. I have to be strong for everyone."

"You're hurting too," Meredith said softly. "It's okay to let people know that."

"No," he said, slamming the trunk shut. "I have to be strong. They all need me. You need me."

Meredith silently reached for his hand, squeezing it gently and standing on her tiptoes to press her lips to his cheek. "You need me too."

Derek froze, and after a moment he turned to look down at her. "I do," he said. "But now, for this drive, for when I see my mom, I have to be strong. So please just give me this."

Meredith nodded as she gently pulled him towards the car. "Whatever you need," she said. "Just let me in, Derek."

"I can't do this without you," he whispered.

"You don't have to."

They both slid into the car, both of them silent for the entire drive. Meredith sat on the far end of the seat, leaning against the window and staring out at the dark and empty New England roads. She wasn't sure how to interact with this Derek, the brooding Derek who pretended he was fine. And as he drove, she knew things would only get worse when they got to his house. She couldn't imagine how Carolyn must be feeling right now, and she wasn't sure she was strong enough to witness this.

They stopped only once for a much needed restroom break, and they pulled onto their home street before the sun rose. Derek parked in the driveway between Kathleen and Nancy's cars, and Meredith noticed that Michael's new car was suspiciously missing. In the back of her head she knew it was probably still parked at the store, and the morbid part of her wondered where Michael was right now.

"Meredith."

The only three syllables Derek had uttered in the past six hours forced her to turn to him and see his terrified expression as he face the house. "Oh Derek," she whispered, sliding across the seat to wrap her arms around him.

"I can't do it," he whispered. "I can't go in there and pretend that everything is okay. I just…I don't know what to do, Meredith, but I know that I can't do this."

"You can," she whispered. "He taught you well, Derek. You're a strong man, and I love you for it. You can do this."

He inhaled sharply a few times before he turned to look at her. "Don't leave," he pleaded. "I can't…Meredith, I can't do this without you. I need you in order to get through this."

"You'll have me," she promised. "I'm not going anywhere, Derek. We're in this together."

"I don't…I have to be strong," he said. "For my sisters and my mom, I have to be strong."

"I'm here for you, Derek," she breathed. "And you can do this. The first step is getting out of the car and going inside."

He took a deep breath before he reached for her hand. "Don't let go," he requested softly.

"Not letting go," she said, squeezing his hand as he opened the door. The stepped out of the car together and made their way to the front door. When Derek pushed the front door open, she immediately felt the stifling sensation of grief wash over her. The normally light and happy atmosphere of the Shepherd house was completely gone. The house was completely silent and she could feel the pain emitting from every ounce of air in the small house.

"Derek."

They turned to look at the entrance to the kitchen, where Liz was standing, a glass of water in her hands and her eyes rimmed with red.

"Oh Lizzy," he sighed, moving away from Meredith and sweeping his sister into his arms.

"He's gone," Liz murmured in his ear. "He was supposed to be here to watch me cheer at the Thanksgiving football game and now he's just…gone."

"I know," Derek whispered, tightening his arms around her. "I know."

"I don't know what to do," Liz whispered, pulling away from him and immediately moving to Meredith. "Oh Mer. Thank you for coming."

"I'm sorry," Meredith whispered as she hugged the girl who had been a best friend for her for so long. "I don't know what to say, except…I'm sorry."

"It means a lot that we're here," she whispered. "Mom's…she's a mess."

"Where is she?" Derek murmured.

"Dr. Johnson had to sedate her," Liz said softly. "Kathleen is sitting with her, but she was…I've never heard any sound like the one that came out of her mouth when the police showed up."

"What happened?" Meredith whispered, reaching for Derek's hand.

"They came into the store," Liz said. "Said they wanted the watch Mom saved up for for their anniversary. And they shot him. Right in front of Amelia. They just killed him."

Derek reached out to brace himself on the wall. "Amy was there?" he whispered.

"It was my fault she was there," Nancy's voice came from the stairwell. "She…I was supposed to pick her up from school, but I had to work at the factory. So Dad picked her up. She's going to have problems for the rest of her life, and it's my fault."

Derek shook his head as he leaned in to hug his older sister. "It's not your fault," he said thickly. "No one could have known. It's their fault. The ones who…it's their fault."

"Amy refuses to talk to anyone," Nancy said softly. "You should try. You're her favorite, Derek. She'll talk to you."

Derek swallowed hard as he looked up the stairs. "Let's go, Mer," he said softly.

She wanted to protest, she wanted to say that Amelia wouldn't talk to him if she was there. But she had promised she wouldn't leave him, and she knew he needed her there. She followed him silently up the stairs to Amelia's room. He knocked gently on the door before he pushed it open and stepped inside.

"Amy?" he asked, looking at the lump under the covers. "It's me."

"I don't want to talk."

Derek was silent for a moment before he moved forward to sit on the edge of her bed and rest a hand on her shoulder. "I don't want to talk either," he said softly. "But I would like a hug."

Amy remained frozen for a moment before she made turned onto her side and wrapped her arms around Derek's neck. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "Derek, I'm sorry. He's gone and it's my fault."

"It's not your fault," Derek whispered, rocking her slightly from side to side. "Don't blame yourself, Ames, it's not your fault at all."

"I can't…" she whispered. "He's gone, Derek, I don't know how to be without him."

"I know," he sighed. "I don't either. But we'll figure this out. I promise."

"Mom is a mess," Amy whispered. "I don't know what to say to her. She was hysterical, Derek, we had to sedate her."

"I know," Derek sighed. "Just let it out."

Meredith watched the interaction between brother and sister for a long moment before she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to look at Kathleen, who was offering her a sad smile, her eyes full of tears. "Kath," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"Thanks," Kathleen sighed, leaning in to hug Meredith tightly. "I have to go check in with Tom. Can you sit with Mom?"

"Oh," Meredith breathed. "I don't…"

"Please Meredith," Kathleen said softly. "Dr. Johnson said she will probably wake up soon, but I really need to go check in on everything downstairs."

"Alright," Meredith heard herself agreeing, and Kathleen led her down the hall to the Shepherds' room. Or Carolyn's room. She tentatively opened the door and peeked in, trying to swallow the nausea in her stomach at the sight of Derek's mother curled into her bed, looking almost peaceful as she slept. She knew that it was the medication that had induced sleep, and she couldn't help but notice the way her eyes were rimmed with red, even closed in sleep.

With a deep breath she sat down on the end of the bed and looked around the room. Pictures of the entire family littered the flat surfaces in the room, and she felt her heartstrings tug at the wedding picture that sat beside Michael's side of the bed. They both looked so happy, and she knew that Carolyn's face would never boast the completely happy smile that was on her face in the picture ever again. She wasn't sure if Carolyn Shepherd would ever be the same without her husband.

Shifting on the bed caused her to look over at Carolyn, not sure of what to do as her eyes drifted open. "Mrs. Shepherd," she whispered, moving off of the bed. "Are you okay?"

Carolyn blinked a few times before her eyes seemed to focus on Meredith. "Meredith," she whispered. "It wasn't a dream, was it?"

"No," Meredith said as she tried to hold her tears back. "I wish it was."

Carolyn didn't respond as she turned onto her back and stared at the ceiling. "Derek's here?" she asked.

"He's with Amelia," Meredith whispered. "Do you want me to get him?"

"No," Carolyn sighed. "She needs her big brother right now."

"What can I do for you?" Meredith asked. "Water, something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry," Carolyn said, pushing the covers off and pulling herself to her feet with shaking hands. "I have things to do. Funeral arrangements, call family…"

"Mrs. Shepherd, we can do that," Meredith said, reaching out to balance Carolyn's trembling form. "You really should be resting."

"I know what I need to do," Carolyn said firmly. "And I need to do this. It's the last thing I will ever do for my husband. And it needs to be perfect."

"At least let us help," Meredith pleaded.

Before either one of them could say anything, the door swung open and Derek stepped into the room. "Mom," he said, moving closer to her and wrapping an arm around her. "Oh Mom."

"Derek," Carolyn sighed as she wrapped her arms around her son. "Oh sweetheart, I'm so glad you're here."

"I'll take care of everything," Derek promised. "You won't have to worry about a thing."

Carolyn pulled back and looked at him closely for a moment. "You look so much like him," she said softly. "And you're stubborn, just like him."

Derek swallowed hard as he took in his mother's words. "We'll take care of everything, Mom," he said softly. "You really should rest."

"No," Carolyn insisted, pulling away from him and moving towards the door. "I have to do this, Derek. I never let your father boss me around, and I'm not about to take orders from you."

Derek sighed as he watched his mother slowly make her way out of the room before he turned to Meredith. "Mer," he breathed. "Can we…can we go to my room for a few minutes?"

Knowing that he needed a moment to break down, Meredith silently took his hand and led him up to his bedroom in the attic. As soon as the door was closed he pulled her close and pulled her back onto the bed. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, holding back her own tears as she rocked him back and forth.

And for the first time, Derek Shepherd allowed himself to break down in front of Meredith Grey.


	9. Chapter 9

The funeral was held two days later. It was an unseasonably warm November day, and the entire Shepherd family had been astounded by the amount of people who had shown up at the funeral. Apparently Michael Shepherd had been more well loved by the community than they had thought.

Derek held Meredith's hand tightly, staring straight ahead of him for the whole service. His sisters had all cried quietly throughout the entire service, but Carolyn had been brave and stoic, accepting apologies from everyone who approached her with their condolences. She had stood straight and dry eyed for the entire ceremony.

Until it was time to walk away.

As the crowd broke away and began to make their way back towards their cars, Carolyn had stepped closer to the coffin, dropped onto her knees, and began to sob loudly.

Derek rushed forward to comfort his mother as best he could, and his sisters were quick to join them. Meredith stood back with Derek's brothers in law, watching the heartbreaking scene before her and wondering what she could possibly to do make it better.

"There's nothing we can do," Tom said softly, as if reading her mind. "What they're feeling right now…there's nothing we can do to fix it."

Meredith nodded slowly. She knew that Tom had lost his mother a couple years before, when he and Kathleen had only been engaged. She barely talked to her own parents anymore, but that was more by choice than anything else. But she didn't know how to help Derek right now.

"I wish I could do something," Meredith whispered. "Derek's…he's a mess."

"He'll get better," Tom promised, reaching out to rest a hand on Meredith's shoulder. "And you being there will help more than you know. When my mom died…just having Kath near me was all I needed at some points in time. She didn't even have to say anything. Just be her."

"I feel so useless," Meredith said softly.

"Derek told me how you've just let him grieve," Tom said. "That's all he needs right now."

Meredith nodded as she watched Derek slowly escort his mother away from the burial site. His sisters surrounded them, the large family gathered together in grief over the loss of their patriarch. They had to go back to their house, host all the rest of the mourners for the reception, and she knew that was the last thing that any of them wanted to do at that point in time. But they didn't have much of a choice.

"I'll see you back at the house," she whispered to Tom before she hurried to meet Derek at his car. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Derek sighed. "I just have to get Mom home. I don't think she's going to be able to make it through the wake."

"I'm sorry," Meredith sighed as she leaned her head against his shoulder. "I wish I could help you."

"You're doing more than you know just by being here," Derek whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "I love you."

"I love you too."

They drove back to his house silently, Liz and Amelia sitting quietly in the backseat. As soon as they arrived back at the house, Amelia slammed the car door shut behind her and ran towards the backdoor, obviously doing her best to ignore all of the people crowding the front of the house.

It seemed like a silly tradition to her. She'd never really known anyone who died before, but now that she knew the complete grief that had overtaken the Shepherd family at the loss of Michael, she didn't have any idea as to why anyone who had just lost someone they loved would want to have the entire town at their home.

"Meredith."

She turned her attention from the house to see Derek reaching his hand out to her father's. Ellis was standing beside Thatcher, and reached out to shake Derek's hand as well.

"Mom," she said as she stepped beside Derek, lacing her fingers through his. "Dad. What are you doing here?"

"We came to pay our condolences," Thatcher said softly as he leaned in to embrace Meredith a bit awkwardly.

"Your father was a very kind man," Ellis said. "We will never forget everything he did for Meredith."

"Thank you," Derek said. "That means a lot to us."

Meredith shifted awkwardly on her feet, wishing that she was able to get away from this situation. She hadn't spoken with her parents in months, and now she was standing in the Shepherds' front yard with them, making small talk.

"We should go," Derek murmured. "Check on Mom."

"Okay," she said, turning back to her parents. "I um…I have to be here. But I'll be home for Christmas."

A look of surprise and hurt came across both of her parents faces, and she sighed as she leaned in to embrace her mother. "I'm sorry I can't be home," she said. "But Derek needs me."

Much to her surprise, her mother pushed her forward gently. "They need you, Meredith," she said softly.

Meredith didn't have time to process her mother's words when she heard shouting coming from inside the house.

"Don't talk to me!" Liz was screaming at a woman in the kitchen. "I don't even know you! So don't tell me you know what I'm going through!"

The entire room seemed to freeze as Liz turned towards the stairs, running up without bothering to hide her tears. Derek moved quickly after her, and Meredith closed her eyes briefly as she leaned against the wall. She wasn't sure she could handle this. She was trying to stay afloat and to keep all of the Shepherds afloat, and she was quickly running out of air in her life boat. All she wanted to do was crawl into Derek's arms and cry, but she couldn't. She had to make sure everyone had everything they needed and that no one would do anything to seriously hurt themselves or anyone else.

"Meredith?"

She opened her eyes and felt relief wash over her at the sight of her best friend. "Addison," she breathed, tears immediately filling her eyes. "Hi."

"Oh Mer," Addison sighed, leaning in to hug her. "Let's go take a walk."

"I can't," Meredith inhaled sharply, trying to wipe the tears away before they spilled down her cheeks. "I have to be here."

"Everyone is fine," Addison said. "There are plenty of people here to take care of the Shepherds for a few minutes."

Meredith was torn. She had promised Derek that she wouldn't leave, but the offer to get some fresh air with Addison was tempting. The air in the house was suffocating, and there was only so much more she could take before she ran out of oxygen.

"Let's go to the backyard," she said softly.

Addison reached to loop her arm through Meredith's and the two of them made their way through the back porch and stepped onto the backyard, cleared free of fallen leaves for the morbid occasion. "How are you?" Addison asked softly.

"I'm okay," Meredith sighed.

"No, I mean how are you really?" Addison asked. "Put your worries for Derek and Carolyn aside…how are you?"

Meredith sighed as she dropped onto a swing on the swing set. "I'm sad," she finally admitted. "I'm so deeply sad that I don't even know how to react to this."

Addison smiled sympathetically as she sat down on the swing beside her. "You're doing a good job of keeping everyone together," she said. "It looked like you were Derek's life preserver during the ceremony. He looked like he would collapse if he let go of your hand."

Meredith nodded slowly. "He's trying to be strong for everyone else," she said softly. "But he breaks down in front of him. I need to be strong for him."

"You know you're allowed to be sad too," Addison pointed out. "Mr. Shepherd was a better father to you than your own dad was."

Meredith sighed as she dug the heel of her shoe into the ground. "You know this was where Derek kissed me for the first time," she whispered.

Addison raised an eyebrow, obviously not having expected the change of conversation. "Really?" she finally asked, prompting Meredith to continue with her thoughts.

Meredith smiled softly. "When we were kids, Mr. Shepherd put this up. Derek spent all day on the monkey bars while Liz and I played on the swings. And one day about three years ago, we were out here on the swings for some reason. I don't even remember why. But we were out here talking, and all of a sudden he just pulled my swing closer to him and…kissed me."

"That's sweet," Addison smiled.

"He always said that I was laughing," Meredith said. "And the way I was laughing combined with the wind blowing my hair out of my face, he couldn't not kiss me."

"Derek has always had a way with words," Addison smiled. "If he wasn't your boyfriend and I didn't love Mark so much, I would have fallen for him a long time ago."

"This is going to change him," Meredith said. "He's grieving right now, but after this is over and we've moved on with our lives…he's not going to be the same."

"He'll still love you," Addison said. "Derek would never leave you, Meredith. He was upset about going to college twenty minutes away from you."

"I know," Meredith said. "But that was the old Derek. I'm kind of scared to see what the new Derek will be like."

As if answering her thoughts, Derek appeared on the porch and looked out at them for a long moment. Their eyes met, and for the briefest moments he offered her a real McDreamy smile, giving her hope that everything would work out after all.

XXXXXX

"Meredith!" Liz laughed a week later. "You can't do that!"

"Why not?" Meredith asked as she dumped the whole bag of chocolate chips into the cookie batter.

"Because now they're not chocolate chip cookies," Liz replied. "They're pure chocolate."

"A lesson you will soon learn," Meredith said as she wrapped an arm around Liz's shoulders. "There is never anything wrong with pure chocolate."

Liz smiled as she reached for a spoon and tasted the batter. "It does feel good to laugh," she said softly.

"You need to," Meredith sighed. "It's going to be hard, but we all have to get on with our lives."

"I feel guilty," Liz admitted as she stirred the batter slightly. "Amelia refuses to come out of her room, Mom and Derek are at the reading of his will. It just seems wrong to be laughing and pretending like nothing is wrong."

"I know," Meredith sighed. "But your dad would want you to be happy. He would want all of us to be happy."

Liz nodded slowly. "Hopefully these cookies will do something to make Mom feel better," she said. "I don't know how to help her."

"No one does," Meredith sighed. "But she'll bounce back. She needs time."

"What about Amy?" Liz asked. "What she saw…I don't know if I could ever recover from that."

"Me either," Meredith admitted honestly. "But she certainly has resilience. She has a lot to recover from but she'll get there."

"I hope so," Liz sighed.

Before their conversation could continue the back door opened and Derek entered followed closely by Carolyn.

"Hey," Liz said as she quickly made her way to her mother's side. "How was it?"

Carolyn sighed as she wrapped her arms tightly around her daughter. "It was boring," she said. "Lots of legal talk and signing papers. Nothing you would have enjoyed."

Meredith studied Derek's expression and she knew that something was wrong. "Derek," she sighed. "Let's go talk?"

"Come here," he whispered, tugging on her hand and leading her upstairs to his bedroom.

"What happened?" Meredith asked as they collapsed onto the bed. She ran a hand through his hair and looked at him closely.

"The store," Derek sighed. "My mom's income doesn't really make enough to support us, so we have to sell the store."

"I'm sorry, Derek," Meredith whispered. "You grew up in that store. That's where your dad taught you to play the guitar."

"It's not that," Derek sighed. "I don't think I could stomach ever going in there again, knowing that was where he…well, I wouldn't ever be able to go back in there."

"I know but it's a part of your childhood," Meredith whispered. "Your dad loved that store and you did too."

"I did," Derek sighed as he looked up at the ceiling. "But without the income the store brings in…we're not going to be able to afford Bowdoin anymore."

"What?" Meredith asked.

"My dad…we're not rich, Mer," Derek sighed. "We have to budget a lot more now, and I'm going to have to get a job."

"Derek," she sighed. "I don't even know what to say. You were enjoying college so much."

"I can't do it," Derek said. "There's no way my mother can afford it, and I just…I'll figure something out."

She leaned forward to kiss him softly. "Is there anything I can do?" she whispered.

"Just being you," Derek said. "You keep everything in perspective, Mer. You make it worth it to keep living."

Meredith offered him a smile as she kissed him again. "I can do that," she whispered.

"Whatever happens," Derek sighed as he wrapped his arms around her. "Know that I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered. "And I'm here for you, Derek. No matter what."


	10. Chapter 10

Meredith slowly pushed the door to her parents' house open, looking around the familiar setting that she hadn't seen in months. Derek was out running errands, his sisters at school and his mother resting, so she figured now was as good a time as any to go back to visit with her parents.

"Mom?" she called into the house. "Dad?"

"Meredith!" Ellis said in surprise as she left the living room. "You're home."

"I'm home," Meredith said. "Derek is looking for jobs and his family is slowly starting to get back on their feet. I figure the best way to make things start going back to normal."

"I am glad to see you," Ellis said, reaching out to hug her.

Meredith returned the hug awkwardly for a moment. "Do you mind if I ask," she said. "What's with the whole loving mother act? You've never been like this before."

Ellis raised her eyes to the ceiling. "I do know that I may not have been the best mother," she said. "But I also know that I love you. And despite of our poor parenting, you have turned into a lovely girl."

Meredith blinked in surprise. Ellis Grey was not one to admit failure. "Thank you," she said softly.

"And now that you're an adult," Ellis continued. "I do think that we could try to get to know each other a bit."

"Sure," Meredith said slowly. "That would be…nice."

"So tell me," Ellis said, leading Meredith into the living room and pouring her a cup of tea. "How is everything at Bates?"

"It's…good," Meredith said. "I really liked it there, but right now…I'm not sure if I want to go back."

Ellis was silent for a moment before she asked, "Is this about Derek not being able to afford college any longer?"

"How did you know about that?" Meredith frowned.

"Your father's firm represented Michael," Ellis said. "Apparently there was next to nothing left in that bank account."

"Mother," Meredith snapped. "Are you listening to yourself?"

Ellis closed her mouth tightly and nodded slowly. "I'm sorry," she said. "I just don't see what you see in that boy."

Meredith sighed as she leaned back into the couch. She had actually been dumb enough to fall for her mother's fake words of kindness. "He's Derek, Mom," she said softly. "He's…he was my best friend before we even started dating. He knows me better than anyone in the world, and he still loves me. No matter what I do, he loves me. And right now he needs me."

"Oh Meredith," Ellis sighed as she leaned forward and took her hand. "Right now, he loves you. But what about five years from now? He's never going to be able to provide for you."

Meredith closed her eyes for a moment as she tried to keep her patience. "Maybe we won't have as much money as I grew up with," she said. "But he will give me security that I have never felt anywhere besides in the Shepherd house. He loves me, he takes care of me, and he listens to me. That's something that I have never had here. And I'm happy with him."

Ellis shook her head as she leaned back to examine her daughter. "Next you're going to tell me that you've already eloped with him," she frowned.

"Mom, of course not," Meredith shook her head. "But we are getting married. Someday."

"Meredith, you're eighteen," Ellis snapped. "This is not the time to be messing around. You have to start thinking about your future. All of your classmates are already engaged, to men of society."

"Not anymore," Meredith said. "It's not twenty years ago. Things are changing. Men are going to war, and women are picking up on the jobs that are left. It's not necessary for women to get married right away. We can have our own lives now. Derek lets me have that."

"He would," Ellis sighed. "That mother of his worked for years when she should have been taking care of her children. And that got her nowhere, the family is still completely broke."

"Derek's mother," Meredith said evenly as she stood. "Works as a Navy nurse. She helps men who are coming back from war, injured and broken, which is more than you do. She makes a lot more of a difference in the world than you do with your time, and I respect her a lot more than I do you."

"Meredith Elizabeth, you do not get to talk to me that way," Ellis said as she stood to meet her daughter's even glare.

"Actually, I can," Meredith snapped. "And it doesn't matter. I'm leaving."

"You can't leave," Ellis followed her towards the front door. "You have nowhere to go."

"I do," Meredith said, turning in the front door. "I have the Shepherds, and they will accept me no matter what I do."

Before Ellis could say anything, the front door slammed behind Meredith and she was storming across the street to Derek's house.

She let herself in the back door and slammed it shut behind her, leaning against the surface and closing her eyes as she tried to erase the interaction from her mind.

"Meredith?"

She opened her eyes to see Carolyn looking at her with a curious expression. "Mrs. Shepherd," she breathed. "I'm sorry I didn't know you were…awake."

Carolyn offered her a sad smile as she put a tray of cookies into the oven. "I've been brooding a lot lately," she said. "But it's been nearly a month and Michael would want me to move on with my life and make sure my children were taken care of."

Meredith nodded, trying to fight the tears from filling her eyes. "That's…very brave of you," she said, trying not to let her voice break.

"Are you okay?" Carolyn asked, wiping her hands on a towel as she moved around the counter towards Meredith.

"I just had a huge fight with my mother," Meredith said softly. "She doesn't want me to be with Derek, and she went on a huge rant about how I need to settle down and get married before I become too old."

"Derek loves you, sweetheart," Carolyn assured her. "I know he's not himself right now, but he'll get back to normal soon enough. As soon as he finds something to distract him from his grief he will be more of himself."

"I hope so," Meredith sighed. "Do you need help?"

Carolyn smiled softly. "As much as I'm trying to get back to normal," she said. "I don't think I have the energy to supervise you in the kitchen right now."

Meredith giggled slightly. "I suppose that's fair," she said. "But I'll keep you company."

"I would like that very much," Carolyn said, offering her a soft smile.

Before either of them could say anything, the front door opened and Derek's voice called out a hello.

"Kitchen, Der!" Meredith called back, watching as Carolyn turned her back to the front hall, spreading more cookie batter over the sheet.

"I have news," Derek's voice came closer.

"Did you find a job?" Meredith called, giggling as Carolyn swatted her hand out of the bowl of cookie dough.

"Kind of," Derek's voice came from the doorway.

"How can you kind of…" Meredith's voice trailed off and she felt her heart stop as she turned to look at him.

Derek stood framed in the doorway, fully attired in a United States Army issued uniform.

"Derek," she said slowly, easing herself off of the counter. "What did you do?"

"Mer…"

"This better be some kind of joke," Meredith said. "Some kind of cruel, not funny, really mean joke."

Before Derek could respond, Carolyn turned from her cookies with a concerned frown on her face. She was silent as she took him in, looking at him from the top of his neatly combed hair to the tips of his polished black shoes and her face showed no emotions.

"Mom," Derek said softly as she approached him cautiously. "Let me explain…"

Her only response was to raise a hand and slap him across the cheek with a loud crack of skin meeting skin. Derek swallowed hard as he looked down at the floor, not saying a word as Carolyn pushed past him and headed for the stairs. After a moment he turned to look at Meredith, who was frozen in her place in the middle of the kitchen. "Mer…"

"Don't even try to explain!" Meredith shouted. "The Army, Derek? Seriously?"

"It's my only option."

"It's not your only option!" she cried. "You could have taken over the store! You could have found another job! You could…drive a milk truck for all I care. Derek, this is the Army! It's not just any other job, there is a war! A war where people are dying every day!"

"America isn't even in the war," Derek replied.

"How stupid do you think I am?" Meredith cried. "We're going to be in this war sooner or later, Derek! President Roosevelt has said it himself. And as soon as we are, they're going to send the young, strong men over to fly planes that are falling out of the sky every day. That's going to be you!"

"I know that," Derek said. "But they're working on a Federal Bill. One that will provide me with a college education for free if I serve the United States for a certain amount of time. All I have to do is serve until President Roosevelt passes the bill."

"And what happens when the bill doesn't get passed?" Meredith shouted, storming over to the refrigerator and swinging the door open.

"It will," Derek said, watching as she pulled some ice out of the ice box and wrapped it in a towel.

"You don't know that," Meredith snapped, handing him the ice pack and watching as he held it up to his reddening cheek. "Derek…you could get killed."

"I'm not going to get killed."

"It's not that simple," she whispered, tears filling her eyes. "Derek…you're eighteen. We have our entire lives ahead of us and you're willing to throw that away."

"I'm not throwing it away," he said, dropping the ice pack to reach for her hand. "I'm doing this to provide us with a future. If I do this for a year or two then I will be able to get a college education and provide you with the life you deserve."

"And what about what I want?" she asked. "Because what I want is to be with you. I don't care if we're not able to afford a fancy house. I don't care if we have to live paycheck to paycheck. I just want you."

"I want you too," Derek said, hesitantly taking her into his arms. "But I want to have a stable life. I want our kids to be provided for, I want us to be secure in the life we have together. And we will have a life together, Mer. I promise nothing will get in the way of that."

"You can't promise that," she whispered. "You know you might not be able to keep that promise."

"I will do everything into my power," Derek said. "To never leave you."

Meredith sighed as she pulled back to look at him carefully. "Well," she said softly, trying to wipe the tears from her eyes. "The uniform does make you look handsome."

"That's the reaction I was hoping for," Derek smiled as he reached out to place the new hat on her head.

"Derek," she giggled as he scooped her into his arms. "As romantic as this is, I think you should talk to your mom."

Derek sighed as he dropped her back to her feet. "You're right," he sighed.

"And," she added as she placed the hat back on his head. "You might want to change first. She may slap you again if she hasn't had time to process this."

Derek sighed as he looked up at the ceiling. "She's never touched any of us before," he said softly.

Meredith sighed as she ran her fingertips over the red skin of his cheek. "Does it hurt?" she asked.

"It stings," Derek sighed. "But I probably deserve it."

Meredith shook her head as she leaned up to press a lingering kiss to the sensitive skin. "You got off easy," she said. "She got to you before I could beat the living daylights out of you."

Derek leaned down to press a kiss for her forehead. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," she breathed. "Even if you make stupid decisions."

"Meredith…"

"Go talk to your mother," she said, pushing him towards the door. "We'll talk about this later."

Derek sighed as he made his way up the stairs. He quickly changed out of the stiff new uniform, glad to be relieved of its scratchy fabric against his skin. He pulled on a pair of comfortable jeans and an old worn t-shirt before he made his way down the hall to his mother's bedroom.

"Mom?" he asked as he knocked on the door. "Can I come in?"

"I'm not in the mood right now, Derek," she said from the other side of the door.

With a deep breath he pushed the door open and moved to sit beside his mother on her bed. "I'm sorry," he said after a long moment.

"That doesn't change anything," Carolyn said. "I'm just starting to move on after your father. How do you think I could possibly live every day in fear of getting a letter from Europe saying that you've been killed in action?"

"That's not going to happen," Derek said firmly.

"Don't say that," Carolyn snapped. "You can't say that. And there is nothing you can say to make this better."

"It's my only choice," Derek said. "If I want to go to college, the government will pay for it."

"That Bill has not been passed yet," Carolyn argued. "We don't even know if it's real, it's just been rumored."

"And we're not even in the war," Derek said. "All I signed up for is basic training in Virginia. No one is going to war."

"I did not raise you to be so selfish," Carolyn said, pulling herself to her feet. "Get out of it."

"Mom," Derek said. "We can talk about this. We're both adults, we can figure this out."

"Get. Out. Of. It." Carolyn's voice was firm and threatening, and he wasn't sure he had ever heard her sound so scary before. But before he could continue the conversation, she turned and slammed the door to the bathroom shut, leaving him completely alone in her bedroom, wondering what he had gotten himself into.

**Hopefully I won't have to go hide in a cave after you read this chapter. But a lot of you have predicted it and really...this is a story about World War II, so it had to come into play in some way or another. Please don't hate me for doing this!**


	11. Chapter 11

"So what will your title be?" Meredith asked a couple days later as she lay on her stomach, looking up at Derek as he sat propped against the pillows.

"Private," Derek said, setting his book onto the bedside table as he reached to run a gentle hand through her hair.

"Private Derek Shepherd," Meredith whispered. "I guess it has a good ring to it."

Derek smiled down at her. His mother still wasn't speaking to him, but over the past few days Meredith had started to come around to the idea of him joining the military. She'd been asking questions and generally just making sure that she had all the information. She hadn't come right out and said it, but he was pretty sure that meant that she was supporting his decision now.

"I'll write letters," Derek promised. "And I don't go down to Virginia until after the New Year."

"Good," Meredith sighed. "Maybe I'll come visit you."

"I'd like that," Derek said, wrapping an arm around her.

"And you know…military uniforms have always made men look more attractive to me."

"Oh really?" Derek smiled against her lips. It had been a long time since they had made love, but it seemed as though she was officially in the mood now.

"Really," Meredith whispered, sliding her body on top of his and gently nibbling on his lower lip.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing I have one then."

"Definitely," Meredith giggled. "Your mom and sisters are at the Christmas bazaar at church."

"They are," Derek laughed.

"Which means we're all alone," she breathed. "And I seem to remember how much you love morning sex."

"It's been a long time since we've had morning sex," he said, reaching to pull her shirt over her head.

"It's been a long time since we've had any kind of sex," she breathed, unbuttoning his shirt. "And the last few times was in the backseat of your car in Maine."

"It will be an adventure to be in a bed," Derek smiled as he pulled her pants down her legs.

"Definitely," Meredith breathed, kissing him deeply before she climbed off of his body and slid out of her undergarments.

"Meredith," he sighed, taking her in as she settled on the bed beside him. "You're so beautiful."

She smiled as she reached for the button on his pants. "Why don't you take off your clothes," she suggested seductively. "And show me how beautiful I am."

"It would be my pleasure," he murmured, quickly shedding the remainder of his clothes and settling on top of her. "I love you," he breathed, locking his eyes on her.

"I love you too," she whispered, wrapping an arm around his neck and arching her hips against his. "Please, Derek."

He kept his eyes locked on hers as he slowly sank into her, feeling her body stretch slightly to accommodate him. "Oh Mer," he sighed, pushing his entire length into her and pausing, taking in the moment and trying to memorize how warm and flexible her body felt underneath his. Her eyes were closed as her head was already thrown back in the anticipation of pleasure she was about to feel, her breathing already starting to come faster than usual.

"Derek," she gasped after a long moment of being frozen in the perfect feeling of being combined as one.

Taking her one word as a request for more, Derek slowly moved out of her and thrust back in, beginning to make love to her at a slow, steady pace.

"Oh," Meredith gasped, her body rocking against his. "Derek…more, please. Faster…"

"Yes," Derek agreed, increasing the speed of his hips. "Oh Mer…"

"Oh yes!" Meredith cried loudly, her body tightening beneath his. "Derek, yes!"

He was still astounded at the sounds he could make come out of her when he was inside of her. She managed to be completely different every time they made love but every time was just as amazing as the last. And right now, for the first time in what felt like…ever…she had the freedom to be as loud as she wanted. Her cries of pleasure fueled his motions, and he could feel her body tightening in a way that had never happened before, only inspiring his desires to pleasure her.

"Don't stop," Meredith pleaded beneath him. "Right there, Derek, yes, yes…oh yes!"

He could feel her body tightening in wave after wave of pleasure, and he couldn't help his desire to brand her as his, to mark her in the most intimate way possible. "Say my name," he ordered as he continued to thrust into her, his sweaty body sliding over hers.

"Derek," she breathed, her mind obviously in the fuzzy state of pleasure that was beyond the point of processing information. "Derek, yes."

"That's it," he grunted, reaching to massage her breast, loving the look of raw pleasure that came over her face at the sensation. "Keep saying it."

"Derek," she cried, her voice shaking as her body began to convulse even more than before. Just as he felt another wave start to cover her body he pulled out of her, looking down at her as he watched her chest rise and fall quickly with each breath.

"Wha…" she started, her eyes opening as she tried to force him back into her. "Derek, please."

"Hmmmm," he sighed, looking down at her for a moment before he slammed himself back into her, causing her back to arch into his in complete surprise and pleasure.

"Derek!" she screamed. "Oh Derek, yes, yes!"

She rode out the wave of pleasure with loud cries of pleasure, and after a long moment Derek felt his body spill into her. He could feel the room spinning slightly before the room went white, then black, and then he collapsed on top of Meredith.

"Oh," he gasped, burying his face in her neck. "Meredith."

"Wow," Meredith sighed, a shaky hand moving through his hair. "That was amazing. Private Shepherd."

Derek laughed slightly against her skin. "Completely," he agreed, pressing a kiss to her sweaty neck.

"The room's still spinning," she breathed.

"As much as I hate to say it," Derek sighed, pulling himself off of her. "We have to get dressed. My mother isn't speaking to me as it is, I doubt she'll be pleased if one of my sisters walks in on us naked."

"You're right," she sighed as she reached for her clothes. "I could try talking to her."

"I don't think she'll listen," Derek sighed. "But I think she just needs time. It's not as dangerous as it sounds. And I'm not experienced, I'll probably be sent to Pearl Harbor or somewhere equally not exciting."

"I hope so," Meredith sighed. "I don't know if I could handle you being in Europe, fighting the Nazis."

Derek sighed as he reached for her hand. "I'm going to do the best I can to be placed somewhere safe," he said, his smile then turning to a smirk. "Maybe you and Addison could come get an apartment in Pearl Harbor to keep Mark and I entertained in our time off."

"You're an idiot," she giggled as she followed him down the stairs.

Before either one of them could do anything further, the back door burst open and Carolyn stormed into the house, followed by Amelia and Liz calling after her.

"What's going on?" Meredith frowned.

"What's going on?" Carolyn repeated as she reached for the radio and turned it on. "This is what's going on!"

The room was silent as they waited for the signal to kick in and the voice to come through the speakers.

"….preliminary reports say that the bombing at Pearl Harbor is still not over. Members of the United States Military are working in the harbor to free the close to a thousand men trapped in the sunken ships while an overworked medical staff works to treat as many patients as they can. At this point it is unclear how many lives have been lost, but President Roosevelt is said to address the nation within the hour…"

Carolyn turned to Derek, tears building in front of the anger in her eyes. "You see what you're getting yourself into?" she shouted. "This isn't a game, Derek. That was the safest place anyone in the Army could be sent, and now there are thousands of men trapped underwater in sinking ships. Mark Sloan could be dead right now, for all we know!" 

"Mom," Liz said softly, reaching for her mother's arm. "Don't do this."

"Don't tell me what to do," Carolyn snapped before she turned back to Derek. "Are you happy with yourself?" she demanded. "President Roosevelt is going to address the nation. He's going to formally announce that we're going to war with the rest of the world. Now is not the time to play games, Derek Christopher."

"I'm not playing games," Derek argued. "This is the only way I can provide for this family and get something in return."

"And you're willing to give your life," Carolyn stated. "If you go through with this you will be sent to war somewhere in this broken world. And chances are even if you don't die, you will be injured for the rest of your life. This isn't the time to be proud, Derek."

"I just want to provide for everyone," Derek said softly. "I want to be able to be a doctor, to give Meredith the future she deserves."

"Don't you dare turn this around to your poor girlfriend," Carolyn said. "She is terrified, she's just too scared of losing you to argue with you. But I'm your mother and I swore over eighteen years ago that I would never let my son do anything to compromise his own well being."

"Mom," Derek sighed. "I'm an adult. You and Dad taught me to make my own way, to get what I wanted no matter what it took. So that's what I'm doing."

Carolyn shook her head as she moved towards the kitchen. "Your father must be rolling over in his grave," she snapped. "This would have killed him."

"Derek," Meredith breathed, sinking onto the couch beside him and wrapping an arm around his shoulder as he trembled slightly. "She didn't mean it."

"I know," Derek swallowed hard. "I just…Mark's out there."

"I'm sure he's fine," Liz chimed in, sitting down on Derek's other side.

"Don't say that," Amelia said from the doorway. "Don't pretend like he could be okay. More than half of the men stationed there are dead."

"Amelia," Liz frowned.

"People die," Amelia cried, tears filling her eyes. "You might as well go now, Derek. You're just going to die too!"

She turned on her heel and ran out of the room, and Derek pushed himself off of the couch to follow her. "Over a thousand men," Meredith breathed.

"Not counting the ones killed on impact," Liz said. "This is…I don't think there's ever been something like this happen. At least not in modern day history."

"The bombs they have," Meredith shook her head. "The planes…they're loaded with bullets. Those things could kill so many people. It's not like the last world war."

"I don't want him to go," Liz whispered.

Meredith sighed as she reached to pull the younger girl into her arms. "I know," she breathed. "Me either."

"Do you think there's any chance that the war will be over before he's finished with basic training?" Liz asked.

Meredith was silent as the sound of their president's voice filled the room. "….I ask Congress to declare a state of war…."

"I don't think so," she whispered. "This is just beginning."

XXXXX

Derek was jolted awake later that night by the sound of someone knocking on his bedroom door. He slowly drifted into consciousness, looking down at Meredith as she slept peacefully beside him, curled into a ball and facing away from him.

"Derek?" his mother's voice came from the bright light of the hallway, and he sat up in bed in surprise. She hadn't exactly been speaking to him recently.

"Mom?" he whispered. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Carolyn was silent for a moment as she searched for his hand in the dark. "Addison's here, sweetheart," she whispered. "She seems upset."

"Oh," Derek breathed, not sure if he wanted to hear the news Addison was about to tell him. "I…okay."

"You have to go down there," Carolyn whispered. "You're in the Army now, and it's war time. Death is going to be part of your everyday life."

Her words weren't said with disdain or sarcasm as everything her words to him in the past few days had been. And she was right.

"Meredith," he whispered softly, turning over to shake her slightly. "Mer, wake up."

"No," she sighed, turning over in his arms to drape an arm over his waist and snuggling closer. "Safe."

"I know," he said softly. "But Mer…Addison's here. I think she's going to need you."

"Addison," Meredith sighed, still not lifting her head from the pillow.

"She has news about Mark," Derek said gently.

"Mark," Meredith sighed, before she sat upright in bed. "Mark," she repeated. "Is he okay?"

"I don't know," Derek breathed. "She's downstairs."

"Let's go," Meredith said, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and running towards the door. He followed her with his mother at his side, the two of them entering the living room to see Meredith already seated on the couch beside Addison.

"Addie," Derek breathed as he dropped to his knees in front of her. "What is it? Did you hear something?"

"Yes," Addison whispered. "He…he was on the Arizona."

Derek's heart stopped beating in his chest. "You mean that was where he was stationed," he said.

"No," Addison shook her head. "I mean…it was his ship. And like a true sailor…he went down with it."

"Oh my God," Meredith whispered, a hand going to her mouth as she tried to swallow her disbelief. "Mark…"

Derek sat back on his knees in shock, his brain rolling at top speed as he tried to process her words. His father's death had been one thing to process, and he wasn't sure that he had adjusted to the fact that he was never going to see his father again.

But Mark Sloan had been his other half. They'd grown up together playing baseball, and it had been Mark he had turned to whenever he had had a problem. Mark had been the one to look out for him in high school, he'd been the one that Derek had talked to when he'd started dating Meredith and had questions about how to impress a girl. Mark had been there for every major milestone of his life; even more than Meredith had been. And now he was gone.

He was too young to be gone. He was supposed to have come back from Hawaii tanned and muscled and smirking about the native Hawaiian girls. He and Addison would have gotten married and had kids, so that he and Mark could raise sons at the same time, second generation Shepherd and Sloan.

But that wasn't going to happen. Because Mark had joined the Army and now he was dead.

Derek had seen too much death in the past two months of his life. He knew he was going to see more in the next two years, but he suddenly wasn't sure if he was man enough to handle it.

"They're not," Addison swallowed hard as she tried to talk. "They're not going to pull it up. The ship. So we don't have a body. I don't even…I can't even see him again."

"Addison, I'm sorry," Carolyn whispered, reaching out to run a hand through her hair. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't know," Addison whispered, tears falling freely down her cheeks. "I'm only eighteen, I don't know how to do this. His mom's been gone for years, and his dad…his dad was already too drunk to even notice that the telegram came. I was there waiting for news and he just…didn't react at all. But I have to do something. Some kind of memorial or something."

"I'll help you sweetheart," Carolyn promised. "Unfortunately, I have all too recent experience in this area."

Addison shook her head as she turned to look at Carolyn with apologetic eyes. "I'm sorry," she said. "I know it was probably worse for you. You were with your husband for so long, but I really loved him. And I just…I just wish that we had had more time together."

"You have your memories," Carolyn assured her. "And you will always treasure those."

"I know," Addison sighed, looking up at the ceiling. "But I was just there. Three weeks ago I was relaxing on the beach with him, and now…now he's gone and I'm all alone."

Derek watched helplessly as Addison crumbled before him, Carolyn rushing to comfort her. And then he turned to look at Meredith who was staring at the scene before her with complete fear in her eyes. He knew what she was thinking, because he was thinking the same thing.

He hoped that it would never be her that was put into the position of the two women crying together on the couch, mourning the men they had loved who had been taken too soon. And as much as he wanted to promise her that nothing could take him away from her, he knew he couldn't do that.

There were no promises when it came to war.


	12. Chapter 12

"Derek."

He woke three weeks later to the sound of his girlfriend's breathy whisper in his ear.

"Derek, wake up."

He knew why she was waking him up and that pretty soon she was going to get mad. But he loved the way she was leaning over his body, letting her breath whisper in his ear and he wanted to savor this moment. He knew that these moments would be few and far between once he left for basic training, and he inhaled her scent deeply, wanting to make sure that he could remember everything about this moment so he could hold onto it after he left.

"Derek," she whispered again, giggling slightly as she pushed him onto his back and climbing onto him, straddling his stomach. "Merry Christmas."

"Hmmmm," he sighed, unable to resist the temptation the holidays brought. It would be different this year; his father was gone and so was Mark, but Meredith had all but moved in. Nancy and Kathleen had promised to be over with their families for breakfast, and while it would be different, he knew everyone was trying to make sure this Christmas was special.

In case it was his last one.

But he didn't want to think about it. Today he didn't want to think about fighting in a war or that his life might be in jeopardy if he was sent to Europe. Today was about family, about making memories he could hold onto when he left the security this place brought him. Today was about Meredith.

"Merry Christmas," he whispered, moving his hands up her sides, pushing her nightgown up on her thighs. "I love you."

"I love you too," she breathed, her hair falling into his face as she leaned down to kiss him deeply. "Do you think we have time?"

"In this house on Christmas?" Derek replied, his voice muffled against her neck. "I'm surprised we're not already downstairs."

As if on cue, a loud pounding came on the door, followed by Amelia poking her head into the room. "Now that Mer lives here is it completely inappropriate for me to cuddle with you on Christmas morning?" she asked.

"Of course not," Derek laughed. Long ago Amelia had taken to sleeping in Derek's room the night before Christmas as a distraction for her parents to play Santa. But the past few years it had turned to her sneaking into his room and cuddling until their five thirty earliest wake up time. Apparently she wasn't sure what the protocol was for their Christmas tradition now that Meredith was in the picture.

"Good," Amelia smiled, moving to jump onto the bed.

"I'll go help your mom with breakfast," Meredith said softly, kissing Derek's cheek before she rolled out of bed and reached for her bathrobe.

When Meredith was gone, Derek turned to his sister who had already snuggled under the covers of his bed. "How are you?" he asked softly.

Amelia was silent for a moment. "I don't know," she answered honestly. "I'm scared, Derek."

Derek sighed as he turned to look at the ceiling. He didn't regret his decision to join the army, but he did hate what it was doing to his family. "I'm sorry," he finally said. "I wish there was another way. But you should know that I am going to do everything in my power to come back home and not leave you."

"I don't know what will happen," she whispered. "If we lose you, Derek, nothing will ever be the same. And I really don't think any of us would be able to recover."

"I know," Derek breathed. "But I have everything in the world to come home for. That's why I'm going, to give all of you the best possible life you can have. You all deserve it, and I am going to fight with everything in me to return."

Amelia smiled at him behind watery eyes. "Do you think you could do basic training for a year and then come up with some kind of condition that makes it impossible for you to go to war?" she asked.

"I wish it worked like that," Derek said. "And I know it seems scary right now, but there are a lot of other places I could get placed. I haven't even left for basic yet, they might find that I'm a better strategist and not put me on the front line. And I could be placed in Africa or even somewhere in the US."

"I hope so," Amelia said. "But if there's one thing we learned from Pearl Harbor, it's that no place is safe from the war."

"I wish I wasn't putting you through this," Derek said. "But you're going to have to write me a lot."

"I will," Amelia said, then giggled. "At least there is one upside to this."

Derek raised a curious eyebrow. "And what would that be?" he asked.

"I can go on dates without you harassing me."

"You're twelve," he frowned. "Since when do you date?"

"I'm starting junior high," Amelia said. "That means I'll go on dates."

"I'll tell Mer to check them out," Derek said. "She'll tell me the truth."

"Derek," Amelia sighed. "You should know that nothing comes in between sisters. Not even boyfriends."

"You think of Mer as your sister?" Derek breathed. Even before their father had died Amelia had been less than enthusiastic about his girlfriend.

"Well, that's what she's going to be, right?" Amelia asked. "I mean right now…she pretty much is."

"I guess she is," Derek said. "I'm glad you like her."

"She's a good sister," Amelia nodded. "And you better not screw it up with her by getting together with some hot European chick."

"Never," Derek shook his head. "And I told you…I might not be going to Europe."

"Fine, wherever," Amelia sighed.

"We're not going to talk about it today," Derek shook his head. "Today we are having Christmas, as a family."

"Let's go," Amelia smiled, pulling herself out of bed and grabbing Derek's hand. "Presents!"

Derek followed her down the stairs, grateful to see the rest of his family already gathered in the living room. He knew they were all trying to ignore the empty space in the room, they were all missing Michael more than usual today. But he had a feeling that Christmas would never be the same as it had been before his father had died, and he wanted to do his best to make sure that no one thought to much about his impending move to basic training.

"Merry Christmas everyone," he smiled, leaning over to press a kiss to Kathleen's cheek. "I hope we're all ready to see what Santa has brought for us."

"Derek," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"What?" he smiled, dropping onto the couch beside her and pulling her into his arms.

"Everyone here knows the truth about Santa."

"That he leaves us presents under the tree," Derek smiled, leaning in to press a kiss to her cheek.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she turned to look at Carolyn. "We probably won't have to worry about him," she said. "All we have to do is write to the government and tell them he still believes in Santa. They'll kick him out of the army before he even gets there."

"That sounds like an excellent idea," Carolyn smiled slightly, the sadness still etched onto her face.

The room all laughed for a moment before it quieted into silence and everyone turned to look at the tree. Derek swallowed hard, knowing that they had all come to the same realization at the same time.

Michael was always the one who handed out the presents.

No one had realized it until this very moment, and now the sadness seemed to cloud the room again. Carolyn burrowed further into her husband's armchair, Meredith turned into Derek's arms, and the rest of the family looked uncomfortably around the room. After a moment, Tom cleared his throat and slapped Derek on the back.

"What do you think, Shepherd?" he asked. "We should let the military man play Santa for the day."

Derek nodded slowly as he untangled himself from Meredith's embrace. "I'd love to," he said.

The room slowly exploded into the usual Christmas chatter as paper was torn off of the presents and exclamations of thanks were given throughout the room. Meredith smiled as she watched Derek hand out the presents, a wide smile gracing his lips as he watched everyone open their gifts. When he finally handed her a box, she raised her eyebrows at the large size of it.

"What is it?" she frowned as she set it on her lap.

"Open it and see," he laughed, settling onto the couch beside her and resting a hand on the back of her head.

She offered him a curious smile as she ripped the paper off and pulled the lid off of a box. Her eyes widened as she saw the dark blue and white material that was sitting in the box and she slowly lifted Derek's varsity jacket out of the box.

"Derek," she breathed.

"When men leave home for the military," he explained softly. "They give their girlfriends their old army jacket. I only have one, so…I thought you could use this in case you get lonely."

Tears filled Meredith's eyes as she ran her hands over the soft material. "It's perfect," she whispered. "Thank you, Derek."

"I love you," he whispered as he pressed his lips to the side of her head.

"I love you too," she whispered, her hand reaching to trace the outline of his cheek. "So much."

He kissed her briefly before he turned back to the family, wanting and needing to absorb these last few days of closeness to his family.

XXXXX

Hours later, the kitchen had been cleaned up after the fantastic Christmas feast that his mother had prepared, and Meredith was nowhere to be found. She'd disappeared after dinner, and now Derek was starting to wonder if she perhaps wandered across the street to her parents' house.

As he stepped onto the front porch to see if the Greys were even home, he heard her soft voice come from his right.

"It's a beautiful night," she whispered, and he turned to see her wrapped in a blanket, a cup of warm liquid cradled in her hands as she sat on the porch swing.

Derek smiled as he stepped closer. "Do you have room for one more?" he asked.

"Always," she smiled, reaching to offer him some of the blanket. He settled in beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He smiled as he realized she had put his varsity jacket on over her sweater. Apparently his present had been a success.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked as he pushed his foot against the wood of the deck, setting the swing into motion.

"Just thinking," she said as she rested her head against his shoulder. "About everything that has happened in the past couple months and everything that is about to happen."

Derek pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "It's been a hard couple months," he sighed. "But I'll be in basic for two months. And then I'll come home for an undetermined amount of time, until they find a placement for me."

Meredith sighed as she looked up at the stars. "Lexie works as a nurse," she said softly. "She says that deaths come in threes and sevens."

"Mer, you can't think like that," he said softly.

"I can't help it," she whispered. "Your dad and then Mark…I can't help being absolutely terrified that you're going to be the next one."

"I'll be perfectly safe at basic," Derek assured her. "And they won't send me anywhere if I'm not completely prepared."

"I know," Meredith sighed. "I just…Derek, what am I going to do without you?"

Derek blinked in surprise. He wasn't sure that he had ever seen Meredith this vulnerable, and the tears streaming down her face reminded him of the time she had fallen off of her bike in the driveway and he'd comforted her with an ice cream sundae before dinner, much to his mother's dismay.

"Meredith," he sighed as he pulled her onto his lap. "You are going to be just fine. You are going to go back to Bates and have the time of your life."

"I'm not going back to Bates," she sniffled.

"What?" he frowned as he looked down at her. "Why not?"

"Because," Meredith shrugged. "I don't want to. I only went to be close to you, which I know goes against everything I believe in, but…I don't know. It wasn't me. Studying literature and learning how to be a wifey wife. It wasn't me."

"So what are you going to do?" Derek asked.

"I don't know," she sighed.

"Meredith, I love you with all my heart," Derek whispered. "And I'm sure that my mom will love having you here even after I leave. But you can't just sit around all day. You'd go crazy."

"I can get a job," Meredith said. "Lots of women are getting jobs to support the war effort."

"You can do that," Derek smiled. "I'm going to miss you so much."

"I'm going to miss you too," Meredith whispered.

He sighed as he wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder. "We'll write," he promised. "And every time we feel like we're in over our heads, we'll remember everything about this moment."

"The warmth," Meredith whispered.

"How amazing you feel in my arms."

"Safe."

"Happy."

"Loved."

Meredith turned her head to capture his lips with her own. "One more week," she sighed.

"One more week," Derek tightened his arms around her. "We'll make it count, Meredith."

"We will," she nodded, wiping her tears away and reaching for a bag under the swing. "I have your Christmas present."

"You already gave it to me," he frowned as he looked at her carefully. "I love that picture of you, the first thing I'm going to do is put it up in my barracks."

"That's sweet," she smiled. "But this…they'll give you an army issued one. But I want you to have this one anyway."

He tore the paper off of the box and opened it to reveal a beautiful brass compass. "Mer," he whispered.

"Do you like it?" she whispered.

"I love it," he breathed. "I'll carry it with me always."

"I had it engraved," she whispered, turning it over. "It's cheesy, but…I don't know. It's how I feel."

"Meredith, it's perfect," he whispered, tears filling his eyes as he took in the words. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," she whispered, running a hand through her hair as she kissed him deeply. "And now you'll always know your way home to me."

Derek smiled as he recognized the words she had had put onto the compass. "I'll always come home to you," he promised, wrapping his arms around her and memorizing everything about this perfect moment.


	13. Chapter 13

On the morning after New Year's, Meredith found herself alone in the Shepherds' house. Carolyn and her girls were in church, and Derek had ventured into the city to receive information about when he had to report to the bus station to leave for basic training. So she was alone in the quiet Shepherd house, wondering exactly what she should do with herself now that Derek was going to be leaving any day now.

She had received some information about a factory job from Nancy, but she wasn't sure she wanted to spend her time putting together machines that would fight in a war; she was afraid that she would constantly be wondering if this was the weapon that could possibly kill Derek.

So she'd talked to Addison who was volunteering at the hospital, trying to mend as many broken men as she possibly could. She could do that, and the best part was that she could actually witness medicine being practiced without her mother breathing down her neck. Fortunately Ellis was a head nurse at another hospital in the city, much to Meredith's relief.

As she was completing the necessary information in the application, the doorbell cut through the silence and she looked up with a frown. She had been virtually living at the Shepherds house for months now, and no one had ever rang the doorbell; anyone who had ever been there knew the open door policy Michael had instated since before Meredith could remember.

She moved towards the front door, immediately regretting opening it when she saw her mother standing on the porch in front of her. "What are you doing here?" she demanded.

"Bringing you home," Ellis replied. "All of this time you said you were staying with Addison to help with Mark being gone. And then yesterday I saw you helping bring the trash to the end of the driveway. I'm not stupid, Meredith, could you possibly have thought that I wouldn't realize this was the truth?"

"I've been living here for two months," Meredith replied. "And it took you this long to figure it out?"

"Two months," Ellis repeated, staring at her for a long moment before she reached out to grab her arm. "We're going home."

"No!" Meredith cried, tugging her arm away. "This is my home now! You can't make me leave."

"I think I can," Ellis said. "Now let's go."

"No," Meredith said. "I'm not going back there."

"Yes you are," Ellis said firmly. "If you want that boyfriend of yours to come home safely, I think you'll move home now."

Meredith felt her blood run cold as she stared at her mother. "What are you talking about?" she breathed.

"Your father's college roommate is very high up in Washington," Ellis said. "I think it would only take one phone call to tell him how excited Private Derek Shepherd is to be right in the thick of fighting, really show his pride for his country."

Tears immediately filled Meredith's eyes as she shook her head slowly. "You wouldn't dare," she whispered.

"If you don't believe me, I'd be happy to call your bluff."

Meredith swallowed hard as she looked at her. "Let me get my things," she whispered. She was never sure when her mother was all threats or when she would really follow through on her words.

She was now in completely over her head. Her hands shook as she made her way to Derek's room, and she was completely terrified as she thought about how much power her mother really had. She had to play her cards very carefully in order to make sure that she could see Derek every day before he left and not let her mother use her power to hurt Derek in any way.

She wrote him a quick note to explain something about what had happened and promising him that she would see him tonight somehow. And then she slowly made her way down the stairs and towards where her mother was waiting impatiently in the hallway. "Let's go," she said, pushing past her and storming across the street to the house she no longer wanted to call home.

"Meredith," Thatcher smiled as she burst through the front door. "Your mother did get you back here after all, I'm quite pleased to have you home."

Meredith stared at him for a moment before she turned and stomped up the stairs. "Meredith Elizabeth," Ellis said firmly from the door. "Your father is speaking to you."

She inhaled deeply as she turned on the landing to look at them. "What?" she asked.

"We would like to speak with you," Thatcher said. "There has been some disconnect in this family for the past few months, and we need to establish some rules to get the stability back."

"Stability?" Meredith repeated. "You think we were ever stable?"

"Meredith," Ellis snapped, causing Meredith to close her eyes tightly. "Living room, now."

Meredith silently made her way back down the stairs and past her parents, sitting down on the couch and crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm listening," she said.

Thatcher and Ellis exchanged a look before they each took a seat on the couch opposite the coffee table. "First, we want to tell you that we support your decision not to return to Bates," Thatcher started.

"Good, because I'm not going," Meredith said.

"But," Ellis continued. "We are very disappointed in you, Meredith. Not only have you lied to us for months, but you are living a life of complete irresponsibility."

"What?" Meredith frowned.

"Living in your boyfriend's house, playing house before he goes off to war," Thatcher shook his head. "Sweetheart we're trying to protect you. This isn't the way a proper young lady is supposed to behave."

"Derek says that I don't have to be a proper young lady," Meredith replied. "He loves me the way I am."

"Which is sweet," Ellis conceded. "But what were your plans after he goes to war? Do you want to end up in Addison's position?"

"I'm not going to," Meredith replied. "And no matter what you say or do, I'm going to be with him. I'll live here, I'll do everything you want me to. Except leave Derek."

"Which is fine," Thatcher said, eyeing Ellis carefully. "But pretty soon he will be leaving. And we're going to expect certain things of you."

"What things?" Meredith frowned.

"Everything we raised you to be," Ellis said. "Charity balls, luncheons, cotillions. We expect you to be at each of them."

"Fine," Meredith sighed.

"And," Thatcher said. "Christopher Pratt is having a party next week to celebrate his acceptance into Columbia's finest fraternity. We expect you to be there. With him."

"What do you mean with him?" Meredith asked suspiciously.

"He has requested that you be his date for the evening," Ellis said.

"What?" Meredith frowned. "No. Absolutely not."

"Oh, Meredith, honestly Derek will never find out anything about it," Ellis said. "Unless he wonders how he suddenly got placed as a pilot over Berlin."

Meredith swallowed hard as she looked between her parents, at their hard, unchanging expressions. "Fine," she said. "I'll smile, I'll look pretty, I'll even dance with him. But nothing more than that."

Thatcher nodded. "That's fair enough," he nodded.

"Can I go now?" Meredith asked.

"One more thing," Ellis added. "We know that you are infatuated with this boy right now, but I will not have you ending up abandoned and pregnant. If I find out that you are sneaking out to see him, there will be several calls placed to your father's friend in Washington."

"Fine," Meredith said. "But I'm not going to stop seeing him."

Ellis opened her mouth to argue, but Thatcher reached out to place a warning hand on her shoulder, causing her to close her mouth. "We understand that you love him," Thatcher nodded. "But you should be realistic about this."

"About what?" Meredith frowned.

"Sweetheart, if Derek goes to Europe, the chances of him returning without severe injuries, or returning at all, is very small," Thatcher said gently. "You have to be realistic and start thinking about your future."

Tears filled Meredith's eyes as she swallowed hard. "Don't say that," she whispered. "Derek needs something to work towards. He needs a reason to want to come home. I am not going to break up with him, and I'm not going to move on from him. He's going away, and when he comes back we'll move on with our life. Together."

She took in the exasperation on the face of her parents, and stared back at them, as if challenging them to argue with her. "We'll discuss it later," Thatcher finally said.

"Alright," Meredith said. "And Derek's mother is cooking him a special dinner tonight. I kind of have to be there, so is it okay if I go?"

"You think we're going to let you…."

"Of course you can," Ellis was interrupted by Thatcher. "We are not trying to make your life miserable, Meredith. We just want you to be careful."

"Right," Meredith said, offering her parents a fake smile. "Thank you. For understanding."

"Of course sweetheart," Thatcher said with a smile. "And we'll discuss this further later."

Meredith nodded before she turned back to the stairs, the smile immediately falling from her face when she was out of sight from her parents. She couldn't believe that they were stooping so low as to threaten Derek's future for her own sake.

Her parents had never really cared about her, she knew that. But right now she was trying to focus on Derek and the fact that soon he was going to leave for a very long time and she wasn't sure when she would see him again. She'd been planning on spending every moment with him to memorize how his arms felt around her body, how his breath felt against her neck.

And now her mother had ruined it.

She sighed as she looked at the clock, realizing that she had plenty of time to take a nap before dinner at the Shepherds. At least her parents were still willing to let her see Derek, even though they obviously didn't approve of the relationship.

Three hours later, she made her way down the stairs for dinner at the Shepherds, but paused when she heard her name mentioned from her father's study.

"I just can't believe you are letting her have all of this freedom," Ellis was saying. "She lied to us for months, Thatcher."

"And she was wrong," Thatcher replied. "But in all fairness, she was living right across the street from us and we didn't even know it."

"So it's our fault?" Ellis asked.

"No," Thatcher said. "What I'm saying is that if we try to tell her what to do, she'll rebel even more."

"We're her parents," Ellis argued. "We're supposed to tell her what to do."

"Ellis, you have to calm down," Thatcher said. "Derek is not a bad man. He certainly doesn't come from an ideal family, but he loves our daughter."

"He thinks he loves her," Ellis said. "Trust me, as soon as he gets her to cross that line she will be yesterday's news. Do you think I want to see that happen to my daughter?"

"I'm certain that won't ever be a problem," Thatcher said. "Meredith has a good head on her shoulders."

"And that boy has her hypnotized."

"Don't be so dramatic," Thatcher said. "Derek will be gone soon and then Meredith will realize how much more there is out there."

"What do you mean?" Ellis frowned.

"I mean," Thatcher paused for a moment. "That as soon as Derek leaves, Meredith will start to notice other men. Men that are suited for her, men that she should be with. And at first she might be reluctant, but I do think she will eventually forget all about Derek Shepherd for the sake of comfort and security. For now, we just have to let her run around with him for the next week or so until he leaves. If we give her that she will think she has the choice to be with him."

Meredith felt her head start to spin as she reached out to brace herself on the banister. She couldn't believe the words she was hearing.

"She is certainly terrified of the power you have over Derek's future," Ellis added. "We can remind her of that until she forgets all about him."

Unable to listen to the words that were being said any longer, Meredith turned and ran out the front door, needing to be close to Derek as soon as possible.

"Meredith," Carolyn looked up in surprise as she burst into the kitchen. "What's wrong?"

"Derek," Meredith breathed. "I need Derek, where is he?"

"He's in his room, sweetheart, is everything all right?"

"Yeah," Meredith breathed. "Yeah, I just…I don't know."

"You don't want him to leave," Carolyn nodded as she set her towel down on the counter. "I understand. I feel the same way."

Tears filled Meredith's eyes. "I'm going to miss him so much," she whispered.

"I know you are," Carolyn smiled sadly as she reached out to hug Meredith. "Go upstairs and soak up as much time with him as you possibly can. And you're always welcome here, even when Derek isn't. You know that, don't you?"

"Yes," Meredith smiled as she leaned in for one more embrace from the woman who had been more of a mother to her than her own mother. "Thank you."

Carolyn kissed Meredith's cheek quickly before she gently pushed her towards the stairwell. "Up you go."

Meredith quickly made her way up to Derek's room, not bothering to knock on the door as she entered, needing to feel his arms wrapped around her. She froze the second she stepped into the room, her eyes landing on Derek as he stood in front of his mirror, clad in an Army uniform, different from the only one she had ever seen him in before. His hair, the beautiful hair that she loved to run her fingers through, was trimmed short to allow room for his white hat to rest. She swallowed hard as he took him in. He didn't look at all like the man she loved, but the cutout of all the other men that were fighting in the war, and she wasn't sure how to look at him without bursting into tears, partially of fear and partially of pride.

He was so brave and looked so handsome in front of her. And when he caught her reflection in the mirror he turned to look at her, offering her the smile that had always been able to melt her knees. The look that was magnified by the military uniform.

"Hey," he said. "What do you think?"

Meredith nodded as she looked at him closely, tears filling her eyes. "I think you look very handsome," she tried to say, but her voice choked before she could get the words out.

"Oh Mer," he said, stepping closer to her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she whispered, reaching to run her hands over the collar of his crisp white jacket, a jacket she was sure would be covered in many medals very soon. "I'm just very proud of you. I don't think I've told you that, but I am so proud of you Derek. No matter what happens."

"Thank you," he smiled leaning in to press a kiss to her lips. "That means more to me than you could ever know."

"I love you," she said softly.

"I love you too," he said, examining her carefully. "What's wrong?"

"My parents," she said. "They're trying to make me break up with you."

Derek's eyes filled with fear and confusions as he looked down at her. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "I know they haven't always liked me, but I thought they were coming around."

"I've been lying to them," Meredith whispered. "I told them I was staying with Addison. My mom found out today, and they're threatening to put you in the front of the fighting zone if I don't obey their every command."

"They can't do that," Derek assured her, reaching to squeeze her hand. "They have no control over that."

"My dad's college roommate is one of the top army officers," Meredith whispered. "One phone call to him could determine your entire future."

"Oh," Derek whispered, not having expected that. "What did they say?"

"They sat me down and lectured me all afternoon," Meredith whispered. "They said I was still allowed to see you, but no more nights spent out of my house. And no sneaking around. But later I heard my dad say that all they need to do is wait for you to leave for boot camp before they can start reminding me of the other men around. The men I should be dating. My dad convinced my mom that I'll forget about you as soon as you leave and then they can convince me to marry a man that they approve of."

Hurt flashed across Derek's face briefly before he reached out to stroke her cheek gently, his eyes melting as he took her in. "Well you and I know that's not true," he said. "And that's all that matters."

"I know," Meredith hiccupped slightly. "I have to play their game, though. I tried to get out of this thing with Christopher Pratt and my mother threatened to call the government. I have to do this, Derek, as much as I don't want to."

Derek nodded slowly. "I know you're scared, Mer," he whispered. "I am too. But we're going to get through this, I promise."

She nodded as she looked at him closely. "When do you have to go?" she asked.

"I report to the bus station Tuesday morning," he replied.

"That means we have one more day together," Meredith whispered.

"We'll make it count," Derek promised. "We'll have dinner tonight and then you'll go home to your parents. And tomorrow I'm all yours."

"Really?" Meredith whispered.

"Really," Derek confirmed. "Anything you want to do, we'll do it."

"Is it okay if we just go to the cliff?" she whispered. "I just want you to hold me."

Derek smiled softly as he pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head. "That sounds perfect," he said. "I'm going to miss you so much."

"I'm going to miss you too," she whispered. "Derek, I don't know what I'm going to do without you."

"You're going to be absolutely fine," Derek promised. "You are a strong woman, Meredith. And you're going to keep everyone around us standing as well. It's what I love about you, you just charge through life with this amazing strength no matter what happens."

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," he smiled in return, leaning forward to press his forehead against hers. "Forever."


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry for the delay! The mind blowing finale combined with a super busy life had me too busy to update, but summer has officially begun! That hopefully means more time for updating. Please let me know what you think :)**

Meredith woke early the next morning. This was the last day she and Derek would have together for a long time and she wanted to make it count. She didn't know what Derek had planned but she honestly didn't care. All she wanted was to spend time with him and commit everything she possibly could about him to memory.

She pulled on Derek's favorite dress, a lavender that he always said made her scent even more intoxicating. She looked in the mirror carefully, making sure that she was satisfied with her appearance. She knew Derek didn't care too much, but she wanted to be ingrained in his memory looking her best.

When she was satisfied with her appearance she reached for Derek's varsity jacket where it was resting on the end of her bed. With one final glance in the mirror she reached for her pocketbook and slowly stepped out of her room. It was still early, but she was sure her parents were monitoring her every move.

"Meredith," her mother's voice came from the dining room. "Is that you?"

"Yes Mom," she said, stopping in the doorway where her parents were seated, her father peering at her over the edge of his newspaper.

"You're up early," Ellis commented.

"Derek leaves for boot camp tomorrow," Meredith said softly. "I know it's early, but we want to spend the day together."

"Of course you do," Thatcher said with a smile. "Enjoy your day sweetheart."

Meredith felt her stomach clench at how sincere he seemed. If she hadn't overheard her parents' conversation the day before she would have thought that he was really supporting her choices. "I will," she promised.

"Be back by dinner," Ellis requested.

"Ellis, this is her last day with the boy," Thatcher interjected. "Let's give her some freedom."

"Freedom?" Meredith asked.

"We trust you to make good decisions, Meredith," Thatcher said with a smile. "You are a lady now, and you should be allowed to have a bit of liberty as when you return home by."

"So….I can stay out as late as I want?" Meredith asked in surprise. She hadn't expected her parents to be this lenient even though she knew of their plans for after Derek was gone.

"I'm presuming that Derek is leaving quite early tomorrow morning," Thatcher said.

"His bus departs at 6 in the morning," Meredith replied. "I am going to the bus with him."

"Of course you are," Thatcher said. "And since your mother has an important brunch tomorrow morning, I believe it would be considerate for you not to wake her in the early morning hours."

Meredith raised her eyebrows. "I'm not going to not say goodbye to Derek because she has a brunch," she said.

"That is not what I was suggesting," Thatcher said. "I'm assuming that it will be all right with Derek's mother if you spent the night on her couch so you could go with the family to see him off."

"Really?" Meredith asked.

"Really," Thatcher said. "Just remember the deal we made yesterday."

"I will," Meredith promised. There was no way her parents would know if she slept on Derek's couch or in his bed. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Thatcher smiled as there was a knock at the front door. "Have a good day."

"Thank you," Meredith repeated with a genuine smile before she turned to open the door. She knew her parents were leading her on, playing games with her, but she wasn't going to worry about that right now. Now she had to focus on her last day with Derek.

Her breath caught in her throat as she pulled the door open and saw him standing in front of her in his Army uniform. He was now required to wear it in public, but he had tended to stay home most of the time because he didn't like wearing it. She still wasn't used to seeing how handsome and heroic he looked as he stood before her as a member of the military, and her breath caught in her throat as she took him in.

"Hi," she breathed, stepping forward and wrapping her arms tightly around his neck.

"Hi," he whispered, leaning down to bury his face in her shoulder.

"Where are we going?" Meredith asked after they had held each other for a long moment.

"You'll see," Derek smirked, taking her hand and leading her towards the road where his car was parked.

"I hate surprises," she reminded him.

"I know," Derek laughed. "I learned what risk it is to surprise you after your birthday last year."

"Okay, you can't tell me to bring the wine and then yell surprise when I walk in the door," Meredith defended. "It wasn't my fault that I dropped the bottle on the floor."

"Of course not," Derek said. "But I'm still not telling you where we're going."

"Fine," Meredith sighed, crossing her arms over her chest and staring at the window. All too soon, Derek was pulling into a parking spot on Main Street, and she looked around for a moment. "What are we doing here?" she asked.

"Getting breakfast at the diner," Derek replied, getting out of the car.

"Oh," Meredith said, a smile spreading across her face as she allowed him to lead her into the diner. It was still fairly early, and the diner was quiet save for a few people sitting at the counter. They settled into a booth in the corner, and she smiled as a waitress came over to them. Neither of them had to look at a menu, and they ordered quickly; Derek requested a ham and cheese omelet, while Meredith asked for a short stack of pancakes. After they had received their waters, Meredith turned to Derek and smiled sweetly at him. "So what do you have planned for today?"

He smiled as he reached for her hand. "Do you really want to know?" he asked.

"I think you know the answer to that question," Meredith replied.

"Fine," Derek laughed. "We are spending the day doing your favorite things."

Meredith felt her heart melt slightly. He had obviously wanted her to enjoy this day as much as she had wanted to make it special for him. She loved him for it, but she couldn't suppress the desire to crawl across the table, climb onto his lap, cling to him and beg him not to leave her.

"That sounds wonderful," she finally said softly. "What's next on the agenda?"

"Well," Derek said. "I thought we could use a round of miniature golf. And then perhaps a trip to the lake for a picnic lunch, and then the rest of the day…it's up to you."

Meredith smiled softly. "That sounds perfect," she whispered. "Thank you."

"It's our day, Mer," he said softly. "I'm going to keep this day in my mind for a long time. I want you to be happy."

"I will be," she promised. "Today we're not thinking about war or injuries or anything else that could happen. We'll just think about us and have fun."

"My thoughts exactly," Derek replied with a wide smile. "We do need to talk though."

"Talk?" Meredith asked, her heart pounding in her ears.

"Nothing bad," Derek said. "But I want to do it now so we can enjoy the rest of our day together."

"What do you want to talk about?" she asked softly.

"Us," Derek said softly. "I love you so much, Meredith. And the one thing that kills me about leaving is the thought that you're going to be sitting around playing the game your parents want you to play."

"I have to," Meredith whispered. "I can't…one phone call, Derek. That's all it will take to put you in the thick of the danger. I have to do what they want me to."

"I know that," Derek said softly. "But Mer, we haven't really talked about the reality of what can happen. I love that you're going to wait for me. And I don't know what I would do if I came home and found out that you were with someone else."

"Derek, that won't ever happen," she whispered. "I don't…I can't be with anyone else. You're it for me."

"I know," Derek said, reaching for her hand and bringing it to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to the skin. "But I want to tell you, if anything happens to me…"

"Derek," Meredith shook her head, tears automatically filling her eyes. "Don't. Please don't say it."

"I have to," Derek said. "Meredith, if something happens to me, you need to move on with your life. I hate the thought, but you can't live alone forever. You have too much to give to the world, and I don't want to be the reason that you shut down."

"Derek," she shook her head. "No depressing talk today. Please."

"I just want to get this out of the way," he said. "Promise me, Meredith. Promise me that if anything happens to me you will move on, you'll be happy."

"I don't know how to be happy without you," she whispered.

"Promise me you'll find a way," Derek said thickly, his own voice filled with emotion.

Meredith swallowed hard. "I promise," she whispered. "But only if you promise me something in return."

"Anything."

"Promise me that you will do everything you possibly can not to die," Meredith asked. "Because I don't want to have to try to move on without you."

"I promise," Derek said quickly. "I will do any and everything I possibly can to make sure I get home to you."

"Thank you," Meredith replied, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. "Can we…can we pretend that we didn't have to make those promises? Just for today?"

"Of course," Derek smiled, leaning back in his chair as the waitress brought their food over to their table. "Let's eat."

"Let's eat," Meredith smiled as she reached for her fork.

The rest of the day passed far too quickly, but Meredith knew she would cherish every moment for the rest of her life. From the way Derek had cheated at miniature golf to the careful way he had held her on their cliff as they ate peanut butter and jelly for lunch to the way he had tried to feel her up in the motion picture show, she treasured every laugh, every touch, and every smile that they had shared that day.

It was beginning to get dark when they left the movie theater, and Meredith's grumbling stomach informed them that it was time for dinner.

"Where do you want to go for lunch?" he asked, hooking his arm around her waist.

"Somewhere private," she whispered, resting her head against his shoulder. They had less than twelve hours together at this point and she didn't want to share him with anyone.

"I think I have the perfect idea," Derek smiled, leading her to his car. "Wait here."

"Where are you going?" she frowned as he closed the passenger door behind her and made his way towards the supermarket.

"I'll be right back!" he replied, flashing her a smile over his shoulder before he disappeared into the market. He came back a few minutes later, a brown paper bag in his hands concealing whatever it was that he had purchased.

"What did you get?" she asked, turning into the backseat and jumping when he pulled her hand away.

"Surprise," he explained. He put the car into gear and turned to look at her briefly before he started to drive out of town. "What time do you have to be home?"

"I forgot to tell you," she smiled. "My parents are playing the game well. They're letting me stay out all night."

"They are?" Derek asked with a surprised frown.

"Apparently they're trying to get me to trust them so that when they try to get me to go out with other men I will give in easily," she said. She sobered up as she watched Derek's face sober slightly, and she reached for his hand off of the wheel. "That's not going to happen, Derek."

"I know," he smiled, lifting her hand to his mouth to press a kiss to it gently. "We're here."

Meredith frowned as she looked around where they were, secluded in a small wooded area beside a tiny brown house. "Where are we?" she asked.

"This is where my dad and I used to go fishing," Derek smiled, pointing to a clearing where she could see water shimmering in the fading sunlight. "We spent so many weekends out here, and my mom made him build that cottage so I wasn't sleeping in the woods when I was little."

"That's really sweet," Meredith whispered, delivering a squeeze to his hand.

"I haven't been here," Derek whispered. "Since my dad died. But I think it's good for me to be here one last time."

"For now," Meredith added. "One last time for now."

"For now," Derek agreed. "Want to go in?"

"Of course," she smiled. She got out of the car and watched as Derek reached for the bag of groceries in the backseat. "How are we going to cook?" she asked.

"Leave that to me," Derek laughed, pushing the door open and escorting her inside. The cabin was simple, with two mattresses resting on the floor and a door in the back left corner. A small wood stove sat across from the bed, and a large supply of camping necessities were organized neatly beside it. "This is the compromise my parents settled on," Derek said. "My mom didn't want me sleeping outside, so my dad built this place with the barest necessities."

"I love it," she smiled. "So what's the plan? Do you want to fish?"

"I'm not fishing," Derek laughed, leaning in to kiss her. "First I'm going to change. Then I'm going to build a fire and cook us dinner."

"What can I do?" she asked.

"Open the wine," Derek said. "And just keep me company."

"I can do that," she said, reaching into the grocery bag to pull the top off of the wine. She swallowed hard as she watched Derek change easily out of his military uniform. He'd been exercising more lately, and it was evident in the new shape of his body. He'd always been attractive, but now his arms were more defined, and his ab muscles much more evident as he reached for a t-shirt that had been left on one of the shelves in the corner. She could tell how much stronger he was when he held her, and she couldn't wait to feel how amazing it would be to have his stronger, more built body would feel as he made love to her. She was certain that they were going to make love one last time tonight, to really savor their last night together, and she couldn't wait.

"Mer?"

She looked up in surprise, meeting Derek's gaze and smiling at him. "Sorry," she said.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine," she said, trying to control the heat that was rising in her body. "Dinner?"

"Dinner," Derek nodded, reaching for a set of matches and a grill screen before following her out the door. A few logs and some matches later, the fire was lit and he reached into the bag for a wrapped package of meat.

"Hamburgers?" Meredith smiled as she sipped at her wine.

"Your favorite," Derek said as he flipped the burgers onto the makeshift grill.

"Thank you," Meredith whispered, leaning into him. "This day has been perfect."

"It has," Derek agreed, reaching into the bag for the bread. "It's going to be something that I will remember for a very long time to come."

"Me too," she smiled as she reached for the burger. "Delicious."

"Good," Derek said, reaching for his own burger.

They were silent as they ate, both of them looking over the water and cherishing the feeling of simply being together. The sun had set by the time they were finished with their dinner, and Derek quickly put out the fire before he turned to her. "Want to go in?" he asked.

The huskiness in his voice left nothing to the imagination, and she nodded as she allowed him to help her to her feet. He deposited the extra food and supplies on the floor beside the door before he turned to light the stove. She bit her lower lip as she looked around the room, which was lit by only the glow of the wood stove and the soft moonlight coming in from the window. As soon as Derek turned from the stove she felt her heartbeat begin to speed up and she swallowed hard as he pulled her into his arms.

"I love you," he whispered, his embrace not sexual at all as he buried his face in her hair. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," she whispered back, content to hold him as well. They stood locked in that embrace for a long moment, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck as his fingers trailed up and down her spine. It was a perfect moment in many ways, and she closed her eyes as she vowed to remember everything about this moment for the rest of her life.

After a long moment, Derek pulled back and cupped her cheek in his hands, looking deeply into her eyes before he leaned in to kiss her deeply. She kiss him back, a hand working its way through his hair as her body began to tingle. He continued to kiss her as his hands moved to the back of her dress, gently sliding the zipper down before he pulled back and allowed her to step out of the dress. She wasted no time in shedding her undergarments, and she smiled as she watched him take her in. No words were spoken as she stepped closer and pulled his t-shirt over his head, letting her hands run over the new muscles of his arms and chest before trailing down to his stomach. Her hands roamed his body softly as she stood on her tiptoes and attached her lips to his neck, sucking gently as his hands moved over the bare skin of her back.

"Derek," she breathed, stepping back from him and reaching for his pants with shaking hands. He helped her push the pants over his hips and a moment later they were both naked and locked in a passionate kiss, his arousal making itself evident against her stomach.

She pulled back and lowered herself onto the bed, letting him lean over her and look into her eyes as he held himself over her on shaking forearms.

"I love you," he whispered, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.

"I love you too," she breathed, her arms wrapping around his neck. "Make love to me, Derek. Please."

Without another word he sank into her, letting his entire length sink into her as she arched her back against him, letting out a soft moan of pleasure. He stayed still for a long moment before he raised his hips and started to thrust into her, her soft cries of pleasure mixed with his own hard breathing the only sounds in the room.

They lasted a lot longer than usual. At some point Meredith had rolled him onto his back and started to make love to him, a position that had always been sure to bring him pleasure faster. She moved her hips in a figure eight position over him, and after a long moment her name escaped his lips in a long strangled moan of pleasure. She could feel him swell within her, causing her own wave of pleasure to wash over her.

"Oh Mer," he sighed, wrapping his arms around her as she nestled herself against his chest. "I love you."

"I love you too," she breathed. "When you're at boot camp, or your placement, remember this moment. We can have this every day, Derek. As long as you come back to me, we can always have this. So if you're ever in danger, just remember this moment."

"I will," he promised, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "Sleep, Mer. I'll wake you when we have to leave."

"Don't want to sleep," she whispered. "Want to be with you."

"I'll be here," he promised, his hands moving over her arms. "Love you."

"Love you too," she breathed, her eyes already falling shut.

Much too soon, Derek's lips were pressing against her forehead and cheeks, trying to wake her. "No," she groaned, wrapping her arm over his stomach.

"Yes," Derek sighed. "We have to go, Mer."

"I know," she sighed. She was still for a moment before she sat up and reached for her clothes. This was it.

Derek silently got dressed beside her, pulling on his military uniform and turning to look at her. "How do I look?" he asked.

Tears filled her eyes as she reached to smooth his collar and then placed his hat on top of his head. "So handsome," she whispered. "And very brave."

Derek swallowed hard as he nodded. "I love you," he whispered. He'd said it more in the past day than he ever had, but she didn't mind. She loved hearing it.

"We have to go," she whispered.

Derek reached for her hand as they walked out of the house, silently getting into the car and driving back to his house.

His entire family was waiting on the porch, Liz standing beside Carolyn with a protective arm wrapped around her. Derek kept his grip tight on Meredith's hand as they made their way towards the porch.

"You didn't all have to come," he said softly, leaning in to kiss Kathleen's cheek.

"Of course we did," Nancy said, reaching to squeeze his hand. "You're joining the Army."

Derek swallowed hard. "I have to go get my bag," he whispered. "I'll be right back."

"I'll stay here," Meredith said, reaching out to hug Amy.

"Thank you for coming back," Carolyn said softly. "To be able to see him before he leaves…it means everything."

"Of course we came back," Meredith said. "Derek loves you all. He wanted you to be here, even if he won't admit it."

"Alright," Derek said, taking a deep breath as he came back out of the house, an overnight bag slung over his shoulder. "Let's do this."

"We'll follow you," Kathleen said. "Mom, you ride with Der."

Carolyn followed Derek and Meredith to his car, and his sisters moved into Kathleen's car. The drive to the bus station was silent, and when they parked they could see the lobby filled with Army recruits and their families.

"I'll say goodbye first," Meredith whispered as the large Shepherd family stepped into the bus station. She swallowed hard as she reached into the pocket of his varsity jacket and handed him an envelope. "This is for you to read on the bus. The first of a lot of letters."

"We really are soul mates," Derek laughed softly as he reached into his bag. "Because I wrote you a letter too."

Meredith smiled as she blinked back tears. "I don't know what else there is to say," she whispered. "Except that I love you. And I'll write."

"I love you too," he breathed, setting his bag down and wrapping his arms tightly around her. She clutched onto the fabric of his jacket, trying to hold back tears. She couldn't cry. He'd said that he wanted her to be happy when he last saw her, so she couldn't cry until he was gone.

"I'll see you soon," he promised, pulling back and leaning in to kiss her deeply. "And then we can start our life together."

"Promise?" she whispered.

"Promise promise," he said, offering her a smile.

"Thank you," she whispered, kissing him one last time before she stepped back, into Carolyn's embrace as Derek said goodbye to each of his sisters individually. Then it was Carolyn's turn, and Meredith watched as Derek tried to offer his mother any comfort that he could. She reached up to cup his face in her hands, saying something to him that made his own strong eyes filled with tears.

"Shepherd!" the officer's voice called through the bus station, and Derek offered the family a brave smile.

"That's me," he said, reaching down to hug his mother before he reached for his bag. "I love you all. I'll see you soon. Mer?"

She stepped forward to wrap her arms around him one last time, inhaling everything about that moment to make sure she was completely satisfied with how he was ingrained in her memory. "I love you."

"I love you too," he whispered.

And then he turned to walk towards the bus, depositing his bag before he climbed on board, not looking back. He was gone, and Meredith could allow herself to cry the tears she had been fighting all day.


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Meredith,

I can't believe I have to write this. I have never wanted to leave you, and I'm not entirely sure how to put into words what I feel for you. You know I'm not the most eloquent writer in the world, but since this is our only means of communication I suppose I will be getting a lot more practice.

I love you. I've said it a million times, I know I have. But somehow those three little words don't even begin to convey the amount of love that I feel for you. I think I've always loved you. One of my first memories is of you running across the street to come over and play, and I don't think I have a single childhood memory that doesn't involve you. You were my best friend, Meredith, you still are. But you're so much more than that now.

I realized I was in love with you over three years ago. It was sophomore year, and you were in our living room, listening to records with Nancy. It was something you had done a thousand times before, but I came home after baseball practice to the sound of your laugh, and suddenly I just knew. I didn't even have to see you to know that I was in love with you. But when I did step into the living room to watch you, your hair falling in front of your face and your smile brightening the entire room, that's when I knew for sure. You were so beautiful that day, Meredith. And I know that you still don't think so, but you've only gotten more beautiful since that day.

It took me a long time to work up the courage to tell you. You can actually thank Mark for the fact that I finally worked up the guts to tell you. I knew you loved me, but I thought it was in a brotherly way, and I never thought that you would be interested in someone like me. I talked about you for weeks, until he finally got sick of it and told me to just tell you. So I did, at my parents' anniversary party, I kissed you on the swing set where we spent so much of our childhood. And my life has never been the same.

You have given me so much strength, Meredith. I have had a great life, but you added sparkle. You have made my life so much fun, you've forced me to realize that I need to have fun and not plan every minute of every day. So consider this my thank you. Thank you for showing me passion and zest for life. Thank you for giving me strength. Thank you for always being there for me no matter what.

Thank you for loving me.

And since you have given me constant love and support, I think it's only fair that I explain why I have to do this. I know we've talked about my enlistment to no end, but as much as I love you there are some things that I don't have the courage to say to your face. Perhaps that makes me a coward, but I still remember the hurt expression on your face the day I told you I had joined. I hurt you so badly that day, something I never wanted to do. I never want to do that to you again, so maybe I'm taking the easy way out by writing it in a letter I know you won't read until I'm on my way to Virginia.

I have to do this. If I want to reach any of my dreams, I have to do this, get through it and move on with my life. It's not just the money. Meredith, I was the first man in my family to go to college. I was going to do something more than manage the store. I know it's selfish, but Mer you have no idea what it meant to everyone in my family that I was able to break out of the mold. My dad was so proud of me for being able to do that. I couldn't disappoint him by giving up this dream so easily.

This wasn't an irrational decision. I know it must seem like that because I just showed up at home one day in a uniform, but it wasn't. This is the only way, Meredith. I hate that I have hurt you and everyone else in the family. You have no idea how much that hurts me. But it means the world to me that you are supporting me through this, even though I know it's hurting you to do so.

I'm scared, Mer. I haven't admitted it to anyone because I'm trying to play the brave soldier, but I learned a long time ago that I can't hide anything from you. So I'm telling you my inner most secret, that I am absolutely positively terrified for what is to come in my future. I have to do this, but sometimes I don't know if I can. I've heard what's going to be expected of me, and I really don't know if I can do it. The one thing that is pushing me forward and telling me I have to get through this is that I will come home to you.

I miss you already. I haven't even left home, I'm sitting in my room surrounded by reminders of you and knowing that I will be seeing you in the morning. But I miss you so much. So that is my one goal; to do anything I have to in order to get home to you.

I've made you promise me so much, and I'm so grateful that you are willing to wait for me. I love you, Meredith, and I don't think that I will ever love anyone else as passionately as I love you. It kills me to think of you with someone else, but if something happens to me, I want you to move on. I want you to be happy, and I want you to leave a fulfilling life. So please don't break that promise, Meredith.

This is probably the hardest thing that I will ever write, but I have to do it. So Mer, if someone else comes along even if I'm still stationed and perfectly alright, please don't feel guilty. More than anything, I just want you to be happy. As much as I want it to be with someone else, I will understand if you can't wait for me. There are so many other men out there who would be lucky to have you, and if you're swept off of your feet by one of them, don't feel obligated to stay with me. I'll always have my memories of the time we've spent together, and I will cherish them for the rest of my life.

But with that being said, you should know that I have big plans for us. Plans that involve marriage and children and living happily ever after. So I know it might be tempting, but know that no matter what, I will love you for the rest of my life. There will never be anyone for me besides you, and I will think of you every moment I'm away. I'm doing this for you, Mer, to get back to you and start our life together. I love you, Meredith. I don't know what else I can say, so let's just leave it at that.

Yours forever,

Derek

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dear Derek,

I never thought that I would have to say goodbye to you. In my entire life, you are the one person who has always been there. Everyone always leaves. My parents are never home, my nannies were always changing when I was little, and your family was the closest thing I had to a family of my own. You've always been there.

And now you're leaving.

I'm not mad at you for leaving. As much as I hate the fact that you're signing yourself up for the most dangerous place you could go, I understand why you have to do this. You're so brave for forging your own path in order to reach your goals. I love you for your determination and the way you refuse to give up on your dreams.

So I'm not going to give up on mine.

My dream is to be with you forever. You've shown me that the way my parents life isn't a happy way of life, and I want what your family has. I want the love that your parents had for each other, and I want our children to know that they are loved beyond belief, the way you and your sisters did.

We will have children, Derek, I promise. I know I haven't been exactly enthusiastic about leading the traditional life my parents are expecting me to lead, but I know that you're not either. We can have a marriage that is equal, where we raise our children the way we want to, not the way society dictates. So that's what you can focus on while you're working hard in the military. Come home and marry me, and then we can have babies.

I know you must be scared. You are trying to be brave, but I know you better than anyone, and I know you're scared. But don't be. You're an amazing man and I have all the confidence in the world that you will be an amazing representative of American military. You are strong and determined, and you have this amazing passion for life that no one else seems to have. That will serve you well in the military, and you are definitely a team player. Everyone will like you.

Please be careful. I know it sounds dumb to say, but I need to say it. I need you to be careful so you can come back to me.

Our lives are just beginning. We have shared so much, but there is still so much that we need to go through together. We've had prom and graduation, but there's so much more. Courtships and weddings, pregnancies and jobs. I want to be sitting on a front porch fifty years from now with you and our grandchildren. So that just means that you need to get home as quickly as you can.

And don't worry about your family. I will take care of them for you, just like I promised. I know my parents are going to start bossing me around the second you leave, but I will make time to spend with your family. They're my family too and they're going to be missing you just as much as I am, so I will be sure to take care of them for you.

I know I said things to you, things that I know you wanted to hear, so I said them. But now I know you're not going to be reading this until you're on the bus and you can't argue with me about this.

I will never be with anyone else. I know I said things about what would happen if something were to happen to you, but I can't go through with it. There will never be anyone else for me, and if something happens to me I will find some other way to live a satisfying life. But there will be no children or marriage for me without you.

I'm going to try to see if my parents will allow me to enroll in college at Barnard. Kathleen and Nancy both got great educations there, and this way I can still please my parents while doing something with my life. I'll have something to distract me while you're away, and maybe I can get a job to provide for myself. I can't be one of those girlfriends who sits around and pines for her boyfriend while he's fighting. As much as I love you, I could never do that, I would go crazy.

I feel like all I've done so far is ramble. Which you always say you love, so I guess it's not really a bad thing. But there really isn't much else to say. Just know that I will be here, waiting when you come home. And I love you. Write to me soon so I know your address and can start writing you for real. And I will write. Every day, if you want me to, although my life isn't that interesting.

My parents are going to make this hard for me, Derek. But I promise when you come back we can start our life together for real. So please come back.

I love you,

Meredith.


	16. Chapter 16

Derek was completely exhausted. He had been worked hard for the past six weeks at basic training, and he now knew what it felt like to be exhausted.

He had always been a pretty athletic person. He'd spent most of his children running away from his sisters as they had chased after him, which had grown into an enthusiasm for baseball and basketball, and when he'd signed up for basic training he hadn't thought that he would have any trouble with the exercise that would be enforced upon him at basic training. But he'd been wrong.

His entire body ached from the training he'd gone through that day. From the five mile run at six that morning to the obstacle course he'd had to go through twice to make the proper time, he was completely exhausted and not at all interested in going to the local bar with the rest of his squad for their night off.

The other men were nothing like him. As soon as he'd put Meredith's picture up over his bed he'd been teased endlessly, most of the other men not having girlfriends waiting for them at home. It made it hard to go out with them, when they all wanted to get a place in some random girl's bed for the night when Derek had absolutely no interest.

And there was also the fact that he was completely unprepared for the military. The first time he had fired a gun had been six weeks ago, and the force behind it had caused him to nearly lose his footing, much to the entertainment of his fellow recruits. He'd gotten better though, thanks to an entire night of no sleep and a kind officer who had been willing to coach him in how to handle firearms for hours on end.

But he was completely out of place. His one saving grace was the one friend he had made here. Owen was of a similar mindset to Derek, and although he had been bred for the military, he was also uninterested in hooking up with random girls who lived in town. He and Derek had spent a couple nights at the bar wallowing in how much they missed their girlfriends, and he had even taken to helping Derek build his endurance to handle basic training better.

"Letter, Shep," one of the recruits said as he tossed an envelope down on the bed beside him.

"Thanks," Derek said, setting his towel aside and reaching for the letter, smiling when he saw Meredith's familiar writing spelling out his name.

If he had had one saving grace these past few weeks, it had been her letters. She had to have been writing almost daily because he couldn't remember the last day he hadn't received a letter from her. He tried to write her as often as possible, but he had a lot more letters to write; his mother and sisters were all expecting personalized letters also. But he loved Meredith's letters. He could be honest with her about what he was really feeling about boot camp, and she always offered him both comfort and a sense of normalcy.

_Dear Derek,_

_I got your letter today. I'm waiting impatiently to hear whether you're going to get placed right away or if you're going to come home first. As you can imagine, I'm really hoping for option number two. And maybe you can talk some sense into Amelia. She's been snapping at your mom for weeks now, but no one can figure out what is going on in her head. Your mom is trying to get her to speak with your minister to talk about your dad, but I guess that's not going over too well._

_I was actually able to get over to your house for dinner last night. My parents had some kind of invitation only party to attend so they couldn't drag me along with them. I was glad to have a chance to not put on a show, but it's still strange to be at your house when you're not there. You always complain about how loud your sisters are, but I'm thinking it's you. It's definitely a lot quieter now, so you should stop blaming everything on them._

_As you can tell, there's not really much to say besides my consistent rambling you seem to love so much. You will be happy to know that Christopher Pratt is officially engaged. I know you don't know him, but my parents tried their best to get his diamond ring onto my finger before you returned. Now they can't pressure me to go out with anyone else until they find someone worthy enough._

_Not that it matters. I'm still waiting for you. I still can't believe you actually thought that I would even entertain the thought of dating someone else. It's not going to happen how much my parents want it to. You're the only man I will ever love._

_I hope you've been getting more comfortable with the rest of your squad. I know you're reluctant to go out with them, but you should. It will be good to get to know them, and I think you could enjoy this more if you have people to talk with. And you can flirt with girls. As long as you come home to me, I'm sure the other guys would really appreciate the entertainment of watching you try to flirt. I remember Mark always laughing at you, and as good as you are with words, the flirting could really use some work. Just saying._

_Addison says hi, by the way. Did you read your mom's letter? It appears that it is now official, she's having Mark's baby. Her stomach is starting to grow and she's been getting looks. Her parents are trying to arrange for her to live with her aunt in Philadelphia until the baby comes over the summer, but she is refusing. She says she wants to keep Mark's baby as her own._

_I feel bad for her. She's so distraught because Mark's gone, but she's got what's left of him to take care of. But there is so much talk going around about her, I just wish they would leave her alone and not talk about her as if she is some kind of bad influence. It's not like all of the teenagers in this town haven't done anything to put ourselves in her position._

_But I thank God it didn't happen to us. You're still alive and well but I still don't think I could do that without you there. So thank you. I know it sounds stupid and it's not like Mark was trying to get Addie pregnant, but still…thank you for not getting me pregnant._

_I miss you, Derek. I'm trying to stay strong, especially for your mom and sisters. And I know that I would go crazy if I was just sitting around worrying about you. Most of the day I'm too busy to really think about you. Maybe that's harsh, but it's the truth. I love you with all of my heart, but between classes, charity events and balls that my parents are forcing upon me, and working at the music lounge in town, I really don't have time to think about anything except what I'm doing. But there's always this ache inside of me, in the back of my head and I know it's because you're not here._

_You have no idea how hard it is to not be able to see you, to talk face to face with you. It's so hard to think that I'm going to have to write everything to you and read your own letters. But I just want to have a conversation with you. I can barely even remember what your voice sounds like, but I know that it comforts me. I know that I would give anything to have you whisper to me in the darkness as I'm falling asleep._

_I'm sorry. I always try to be so strong when I write to you, because I don't need you worrying about me. And you really don't need to. Because I'm fine. Really, Derek. I'm fine. But I do miss you. Come home soon?_

_I love you,_

_Meredith_

Derek inhaled sharply as he stared down at the letter in his hands. In a typical Meredith fashion, she had just rambled her entire thoughts onto paper and sent it to him, and he loved it. But there was a lot to take in from her one letter, and he wasn't sure what to process first.

"Everything okay Shepherd?"

Derek looked up to see Owen standing at the end of his cot, dressed in civilian attire.

"Yeah," Derek cleared his throat. "Just…letter from Mer."

"Ah," Owen nodded knowingly. "So you're missing her."

"More than usual," Derek sighed, folding the letter and sticking it into the box under his cot. "My best friend from home…he was killed in Pearl Harbor. And apparently his girlfriend, Mer's best friend, is now expecting his child."

"Ohhh," Owen winced. "That can't be good."

"I can't really tell," Derek sighed, running a hand through his hair before he reached for the one civilian shirt he had with him, the shirt Meredith loved so much. "I hate no being able to see her. Not being able to have a conversation with her, to hear her voice."

Before Owen could say anything, another member of his squad sauntered over, a flask clutched in his hand. "Listen to Shepherd," he said with a laugh. "Missing his girlfriend and talking like a girl himself. Tell me, do you have any idea how a man is supposed to treat a woman?"

"Shut up, Ian," Derek sighed, looking down to button his shirt. "I don't want to hear it."

"No, I think you need to," Ian said, taking another swig of his flask. "You can't let her dominate the relationship. You have to be the man."

"My relationship is none of your business," Derek rolled his eyes, reaching for his wallet.

"I'm just trying to help you out, man," Ian shrugged. "If you don't want my help…"

"I don't," Derek shook his head.

"Fine," Ian shrugged. "Suit yourself."

He walked away again, and Derek turned to Owen with a sigh. "Tell me not everyone in the army is like this," he said.

"Wish I could," Owen shrugged, slapping Derek on the back. "Unfortunately, I can't."

"Great," Derek sighed, following Owen towards the door. As they stepped out into the crisp winter air, he turned as he heard an officer calling his name.

"Sir," he acknowledged, stopping with a salute.

"Shepherd, you're discharged for the weekend," he said.

"Discharged, sir?" Derek frowned.

"You have a visitor, Shepherd. And since you have not taken any of your leave, you have been approved for a weekend away. Report back for dinner on Sunday evening at eighteen hundred hours."

"Thank you sir," Derek saluted the officer one last time before he turned to Owen.

"I know nothing," Owen held up his hands. "But if you can get out of here for a weekend, do it."

"Right," Derek laughed, turning back to the barracks. "Are you going to be okay without me?"

Owen laughed. "I don't need you half as much as you need me, Shep," he laughed. "Go on, have fun."

Derek quickly threw some belongings into his bag before he quickly hurried to the entrance of the camp. And when he saw who was waiting for him, seated patiently on a curb on the side of the sidewalk, his heart skipped a beat.

"Meredith," he breathed, dropping his bag to the ground and running towards her.

"Derek," she giggled, pushing herself to her feet and into his arms.

"You're here," he laughed, lifting her off of the ground and spinning her in a slight circle. "You're here, in Virginia…in my arms."

"Shut up and kiss me," Meredith breathed, pulling her head back from his shoulder and cupping his face in her hands, kissing him deeply.

"Oh Mer," he breathed, kissing her deeply.

"I can't believe this," she whispered. "I've been on a bus for seven hours, thinking about how you were going to take this. And now we're here, together."

"You're here," Derek repeated. "You requested the weekend off for me?"

"I did," she giggled. "And they actually listened."

"You are amazing," he whispered as he leaned in to kiss her.

"I have a motel," Meredith whispered. "I've been saving my wages for weeks, my parents think that I'm with Addison. And we have an entire weekend together."

Derek smiled widely as he leaned his forehead against hers, lacing his fingers through hers. "I love you so much."

Meredith was unable to answer due to the cat calls that interrupted their moment. He closed his eyes tightly as he waited for his squad members to lead, but he immediately knew that they weren't going to go away.

"So this is the girlfriend," Ian smiled as he wedged himself in between Derek and Meredith. "Nice to meet you. I've been looking at your picture for weeks now and let me tell you I have had some pretty sweet dreams."

"Get lost," Meredith rolled her eyes, pushing him aside to get to Derek. "Let's go."

"Bossy, I like it," Ian laughed. "I knew Shep's girl would be a firecracker."

Derek inhaled deeply, trying not to loose his cool. But one look at Meredith reminded him of everything that mattered, and he reached down to grab his bag. "Let's go," he nodded, leading Meredith to a waiting cab.

"Who is that guy?" Meredith frowned as they settled into the backseat.

"No one," Derek shrugged. "Just a jerk."

"Is he the one who was so horrible to you when you had trouble firing the gun?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah," Derek shrugged. He didn't want to talk about that right now. He wanted to enjoy her company, simply enjoy being with her, and he couldn't understand why he felt more pressure than excitement at seeing her.

"We're here," she smiled, handing some money to the cab driver and reaching for the door handle. "Derek? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he said, flashing her a quick smile as he followed her out of the car.

"Good," she said, hooking her arm through his elbow and leading him down the hall of the hotel. "So it's not much, but I figure all we need is a bed, right?"

He couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm. She was exactly the same as she always had been. But something was different, and he was starting to think that maybe basic training had changed him more than he thought.

But she was still Meredith and he was still Derek, and he loved her more than he could have imagined.

"So," Meredith smiled as she shut the door to the dimly lit hotel room behind them. "What do you want to do?"

"I can think of a few things," Derek laughed, resting his hands on her hips as her own arms went around his neck. "I still can't believe you're here."

"Me either," Meredith sighed. "I've been planning it for weeks, and I just…I needed to see you, Derek."

"I needed to see you too," he sighed, leaning in to kiss her. "Best surprise ever."

"Good," she smiled, reaching for the buttons on his shirt. "And now we need to lose some of this clothing."

"Or all of it," he suggested, pushing her hair over her shoulder and leaning down to press a soft line of kisses along her neck and collarbone.

"Oh," she breathed, her head falling back slightly. "Derek…"

"It's been a long time," he whispered, pulling back to look into her eyes.

"I want you," she whispered, running a hand through his hair. "Please, Derek. I've missed this so much."

That seemed to be the only incentive he needed as he pulled her close, kissing her deeply as his hands moved to cup her ass through her skirt. "Naked," he ordered.

"Yes," Meredith agreed, rocking her hips slowly against his, feeling his erection rubbing against her even through the fabric of both of their clothes.

Derek kissed her hard one last time before he pulled back and hurriedly reached for the buttons on her shirt. She leaned her head back as he snapped her bra off, immediately lowering his mouth to her breast and sucking gently on the skin.

"Derek," she breathed, her hands moving to hold his head against her chest.

"I missed you," he whispered as he moved to her other breast, his hands resting on her hips.

"I missed you too," she breathed, grabbing onto his shoulders for support when her knees began to buckle beneath her with the sheer pleasure he was already rocking through her body.

He pulled away to lower her onto the bed, reaching for the clasp of her skirt and pulling it down her hips, leaving her only in her stockings. He quickly reached for her hips, his lips leaving a trail of hot kisses in the path as he gently rolled the stockings down her legs.

"Derek," she gasped, breathless from the top of the bed and he suddenly realized how close to orgasm she was.

"Come," he ordered gently, ignoring how tight his pants suddenly felt as he looked down at his girlfriend, naked, sweaty, and in the throes of orgasm before him. "Come before I take you."

"Touch me," she pleaded, grabbing his hand and bringing it down between her legs. "Please, Derek."

He wasted no time in inserting his fingers inside of her, making sure to meet her ultimate pleasure point as she arched her back off of the bed and screamed his name. "Oh yes," she moaned, her body tightening in pleasure. "Derek…"

"You are so beautiful," he breathed, watching her ride out the aftershocks of her orgasm.

"Derek," she pleaded, pulling herself up to kneel before him, her shaking hands making quick work of the buttons on his shirt.

"Meredith," he sighed, leaning his head back and letting her undress him, enjoying the feeling of her fingers brushing against his skin.

"Please," she gasped, leaning back into the pillows and positioning him between her legs. "Derek, I need you."

"I need you too," he gasped, looking deeply into her eyes as he gently lowered himself into her.

"Oh," she gasped, shifting her hips to take him deeper into her depths. "Derek…"

"Yes," he gasped, loving the feeling of being surrounded by her after so many lonely nights without her beside him.

"Move," she requested gently, her fingernails gently trailing over the soft skin of his back. "Please, Derek…"

Without a word he pulled out of her and gently pushed back in, slowly beginning to make love to her and savoring every moment. Every soft moan, every gasp, and the expressions of pleasure that covered her face were completely amazing, and he wanted nothing more than to stay with her forever, to not have to report back to the hell that was basic training.

Much too soon, her hands traveled to grasp his hair, a sure sign that she was about to climax. She arched her body into his, her moans and cries of delight causing him to swell inside of her and come at the same time, their sweat mixing together with soft kisses and gasps of pleasure.

"Mer," he sighed as he collapsed on top of her, her arms coming to wrap tightly around him.

"I've wanted that for so long," she whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

"Me too," he breathed, sighing deeply before he rolled off of her, laying on his side and smiling as she did the same, their heads resting on the same pillow as they started to come down from their sexual highs.

"How are you?" she whispered, lacing their fingers together. "Those guys at the base…they were awful. Are they always like that?"

"It's fine," Derek shrugged, knowing that he wasn't really answering her question. But right now, with Meredith lying in his arms the last thing he wanted to do was talk about how much he hated being constantly mocked by the other members of his squad. "I got your letter today. How's Addison?"

"Oh," Meredith sighed, her eyes darkening. "She's…her parents kicked her out. Said that they weren't going to have a whore for a daughter and she had to find a way to fend for herself."

"Wow," Derek whispered. He and Addison had never been particularly close, more friends by extension, but he couldn't imagine what she must have been going through at that moment.

"She's working as a nurse," Meredith said. "She's staying with a friend until she can find a place to live. An apartment or something."

"I wish there was something I could do," Derek said softly.

"Me too," Meredith sighed, cuddling into his arms and linking her leg through his. "Can we not talk about that now?"

"Definitely not," Derek said, wrapping his arms tightly around her. "We'll just be together tonight."

"That sounds amazing," she whispered, running a hand over her chiseled chest. "Remind me…I have things for you."

"Things?" Derek asked.

"From your family," Meredith nodded.

"Okay," Derek said. "Later."

"Later," Meredith agreed. "Now, sleep."

"Sleep sounds perfect," Derek whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Thank you for coming," he whispered to a now sleeping Meredith. He pressed a kiss to her forehead before he whispered, "I missed you so much."


	17. Chapter 17

"Thanks for dinner," Meredith smiled, hooking her arm through his as they walked out of the restaurant where they'd ended their day together.

"My pleasure," he smiled as they approached the street corner. "Ready to head back?"

Meredith was silent for a moment before she looked up at him. "Would you be mad if I said no?" she asked.

He laughed slightly. "Of course not," he said. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know," she sighed. "I just…I love when it's just us, Derek, I do. Last night was amazing, and we can do more of that tonight. But right now, I just want to feel like a normal person, like we're on a real date."

"We are on a real date," he argued.

"Shut up," she giggled, bumping her hip against his. "You know what I mean. I want to pretend that this is stolen time, that this is something that we do all the time."

"Okay," Derek said, leaning in to bury his face in her hair. Because he didn't want to feel like he was visiting with Meredith on borrowed time either.

"So…what is there to do?" Meredith asked.

"Well, the movies have already started," Derek said, glancing down at his watch. "We could go to the bar down the street."

"Bar sounds good," Meredith said, following him down the street.

Derek let out a deep sigh of relief when he stepped into the bar and realized that none of the members of his squad were there. They could make that a really uncomfortable situation for him.

"You go get a table," he said to Meredith. "I'll grab beers."

"Sounds perfect," she smiled, balancing herself on his shoulder as she raised herself to her tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek. Derek squeezed her hand before he made his way over to the crowded bar, grabbing two beers quickly. One of the advantages of being in the military meant that he was always served first anywhere he went.

"Thanks," Meredith smiled as he handed her a bottle of beer. "Cheers."

"To you," Derek smiled, clinking his bottle against hers and then taking a sip.

"To me?" she giggled.

"You came all the way down here to surprise me," Derek said. "That's the best thing that anyone has ever done for me."

She smiled softly. "Well, I'm glad you liked it," she said. "But my reasons were more selfish than considerate of you."

"Missed me too much?" he smirked.

"I really did," she whispered, her eyes not laughing as she reached to peel the label off of the bottle.

"Hey," he frowned, reaching for her hand. "What's going on in that head of yours?"

"Nothing," she said. One look to him made her realize that he wasn't going to let her off that easily, and she sighed deeply. "I was just thinking that this could be the last time I see you before you ship out or…well, it's the last time in a long time."

Derek swallowed hard as he took in the words she hadn't said. Both of them knew there was a very real possibility that this would be the last weekend that they would ever spend together. "When I get home," he said, squeezing her hand. "We'll do this all the time. Every day if you want to."

She giggled slightly. "I think it would get boring if we did it every day," she said. "But yes… we'll send the kids for sleepovers at your mom's and go on dates."

Derek's heart warmed at her mention of children. He wanted nothing more than for Meredith to give him a tiny little replica of herself.

Before they could continue their conversation, however, a hand clapped down on his shoulder and he turned to look up at Ian, smirking down at the two of them. And he immediately wanted to crawl under the table and pretend this wasn't happening.

"Well, well," Ian said. "What have we got here? The famous girl that is responsible for Shepherd here to be so incompetent as a recruit."

"He's not incompetent," Meredith frowned.

"Mer, just ignore him," Derek shook his head.

"I'm not going to ignore him," she said. "Don't let him abuse you, Derek."

"Whoa, I think we can all see who wears the pants in this relationship," Ian laughed. "You sure you can handle war, Shepherd? You can't even manage your own woman."

Derek took a deep breath before he turned to Meredith. "Can you go grab another round?" he asked softly.

"Derek, I don't think…"

"Please, Meredith."

"Fine," she said, shooting Ian a dirty look before she made her way over to the bar.

"Listen, Shepherd," Ian said as he collapsed into Meredith's vacated seat.

"Go away," Derek said. "I don't need this now."

"No, I think you do," Ian said. "I know we've had our differences, but we are in the same training squad. Which means I have to have your back whether I want to or not."

"I don't need relationship advice from you," Derek rolled his eyes.

"I think you do," Ian said. "Look, do you want to lose your girl?"

"Of course not."

"Well, then you've got to prove that you're a man," Ian said. "Women like that. They like to pretend that they're all independent and shit, but in reality they like to be delicate. Feminine."

"Not Mer," Derek argued.

"Right," Ian said. "So when you come home from your placement and realize she's with someone who is able to be a man, to give her what she needs, you'll still think that?"

"I don't want to talk about this," Derek argued.

"Hey, I'm just trying to help," Ian said with a shrug as he drowned the last of his beer. "Just try it. Have some authority. Make sure she knows who the boss is."

Derek rolled his eyes, but couldn't deny the curiosity building up inside of him about Ian's words. As he watched Meredith make her way back from the bar, he knew he should probably just ignore what Ian had said. But he had been bothered by his words, and he also knew that his entire squad was watching to see what would happen. He could explain this to Meredith later, she would get it. So he opened his mouth.

"Where are the beers?"

She raised an eyebrow at his harsh tone. "Let's just go," she said, reaching for his hand.

"We're not leaving," Derek said firmly. "Go get the beers."

"Excuse me?" she frowned.

"I asked you to get beers," he said. "So go get them."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she demanded.

"What's wrong is that I want a beer and you're standing here arguing with me," he replied.

Meredith stared at him for a moment before she turned and slowly made her way over to the bar.

"There we go, Shepherd!" Ian yelled from the dart board.

Derek swallowed hard as he glanced over at Meredith. She was close to tears, he could see that much. He knew he had caused them, and he hated it. But he was almost being accepted by his squad, something he had been dreaming about for weeks now. And he could either go comfort her, or go bond with the other men at the dart board.

With a deep breath, he glanced at Meredith one last time before he turned and made his way over to the corner of the bar, reaching for the darts Ian was holding out for him. And he didn't look back.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Derek Shepherd was an idiot. Meredith had known this for a long time, but something had changed. He had definitely been different when she'd arrived in Virginia to see him, but not in a bad way. He had hugged her and kissed her, told her how much he loved her. He'd made love to her and told her that this was the best surprise he'd ever gotten.

And then he had blown her off.

She'd returned to the table to find him gone, and when she'd tracked him down at the dart board he'd told her to keep his beer cold and he'd be back soon.

She'd left an hour and a half after that.

And now she was seated on the edge of her bed in her hotel room, not sure what to do. She still had another day here, she was taking an evening bus back to New York the next day. But if Derek wasn't with her, she wasn't sure what to do. She'd never thought that he would abandon her like this, leave her to fend for herself when the only reason she was there was to see him.

"Meredith?" a knock on the door accompanied her boyfriend's voice.

"What?" she yelled, not moving to open the door.

"Open the door."

"No."

"Mer, come on," he sighed. "I'm tired."

"You're tired?" she shouted, storming over to the door and throwing it open. "Seriously? What the hell is going on with you?"

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "Can we talk about this later?" 

"No!" she cried, letting the door slam behind her as Derek made his way into the room. "Derek, you were mean to me. You were downright mean and you treated me like an idiot. And I am definitely not the idiot in this relationship!"

"I wasn't treating you like an idiot," he said. "I was treating you like…a woman."

A mixture of confusion and hurt crossed over Meredith's face, but she crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him carefully. "Excuse me?"

"I know it was rude," Derek shrugged. "But I had to do it."

"And why is that?" Meredith asked.

"Because they were watching," Derek said. "I had to do something to prove to them I'm a man."

"Apparently that means you're an ass!" Meredith snapped. "Seriously, Derek, am I some kind of prop that you can boss around to make you feel like a man?"

"No," Derek said. "I just had to make them realize that I'm not the person they thought I was. Tonight…they liked me."

"And I hated you," Meredith said, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm not going to sit around and be some kind of model wife that you can be nice to only when we're alone."

"That's not true and you know it," Derek snapped.

"It's not?" Meredith asked. "Because it sure seemed that way tonight."

"That was just an act," Derek said.

"You know what, I don't even want to hear it," Meredith said, reaching for her overnight bag.

"What are you doing?" Derek asked.

"Leaving," Meredith said. "If you want someone you can boss around, feel free to find someone else who is willing to be degraded like that because I sure as hell won't be."

"Meredith, don't be dramatic," Derek said. "I'm not in the mood to deal with you right now."

"Well luckily for you, you're not going to have to deal with me ever again," she snapped, slamming her suitcase shut and dragging it towards the door. "We're over."

"Fine," Derek said, collapsing onto the bed.

"Fine," Meredith echoed, pulling the door open and letting it slam closed behind her.

Derek stared at the door for a long moment, waiting for her to open the door, to come in and apologize.

She never did.

But he was unaware that she was sitting on the other side of the door, waiting for him to do the same thing.


	18. Chapter 18

It was much too early in the morning when Meredith was jolted out of consciousness. She was still for a moment before she realized that her churning stomach was what had jarred her awake. With a gasp, she clapped a hand over her mouth and ran towards the bathroom, just barely able to kneel down in front of the toilet before she emptied the contents of her stomach. As she coughed into the toilet, she heard someone moving in the hall behind her and a moment later her mother's voice asked her if she was alright.

"I'm fine," she sighed, reaching up to flush the toilet. "I think I ate something bad at dinner last night."

"Maybe I should call Dr. Meehan," Ellis said, a frown on her face. "The Pratts are hosting an engagement party for Christopher tonight, we can't have you sick for that. It's our last chance to get him to realize how good you are for him."

"Mom," Meredith sighed, resting her head against the wall. "I don't need a doctor. And I definitely don't want to go to that party."

"Now isn't the time to discuss this," Ellis said. "Go back to bed and I'll call the doctor."

"I don't need a doctor," Meredith protested as she stood. "The flu's been going around, I just need a couple days to recover."

"If you're not better by tomorrow I will call the doctor," Ellis compromised.

"Fine," Meredith said, turning back to her bedroom and sinking back under the covers, squeezing her eyes closed as she tried to will sleep to come.

It had been three months. Three months since she had last heard from Derek. He hadn't written to her after she had stormed out of their hotel room, but she hadn't made an effort to contact him either. She had occupied her time by volunteering at the hospital and caring for Addison, whose baby was due in two months. She tried not to think about Derek, but she couldn't help it. In everything she did, he was always there in the back of her head; she wondered what he would have said when she treated a child's broken leg all on her own, without the help of a doctor or nurse. She had thought of him on Easter, when she'd seen his family seated across the church in what had somehow become the Shepherds' row. And about a month after she'd returned, the service flag with a blue star had appeared in the Shepherds' front door, indicating that Derek was officially serving in the army, not just training any longer.

She'd run into Liz close to a month ago now, and she had informed her that Derek was stationed in England, fighting from the air as a co pilot to more experienced fliers. He had gone straight to the war after basic training, and apparently was completely optimistic in his letters.

But Meredith hadn't heard a word from him. And she missed him. The fight hadn't been stupid, but she probably shouldn't have stormed out of the hotel like she had. Now Derek was living in constant danger, and it was a very real possibility that she would never get to tell him that she was sorry.

She inhaled deeply as another wave of nausea came over her at the thought that she may never be able to see Derek again, and she sprinted back to the bathroom, just in time to cough up the contents of her stomach. She then leaned against the wall, tears streaming down her face as she thought about what path her future was about to take.

XXXXX

"Addison?" she knocked on the front door of her best friend's apartment later that morning, her arms full of grocery bags. "I brought you groceries."

"Thank you," Addison sighed, pulling herself off of the couch and making her way to Meredith. "I don't know what I would do without you."

"You'd eat a lot less," Meredith sighed.

"I just don't like going out," Addison said as she pulled a carton of eggs out of the bag and set them in the fridge. "Everyone always stares at me like I'm a whore."

"I'm happy to help," Meredith said, sitting down at the table and turning her hands together.

"What's wrong?" Addison asked.

"Can we talk?" Meredith asked. "I mean I know we can talk, but what I'm about to ask, you can't repeat to anyone, ever. You have to swear."

"I promise," Addison frowned in concern as she sat down beside Meredith. "What is it, Mer?"

Meredith raised her eyes to look up at her friend, tears filling her eyes. "How did you know?" she asked.

"Know what?" Addison asked.

"That you were pregnant."

Addison's jaw dropped and the room was completely silent for a long moment. Addison's shock combined with Meredith's fear and confusion made the atmosphere completely tense and awkward.

"Meredith," Addison finally breathed. "Are you…"

"I don't know," Meredith whispered. "That's why I'm asking."

"Okay," Addison nodded slowly. "I skipped two periods, and then I started getting sick a lot."

"I haven't bled since the week after I got back," Meredith whispered. "And it wasn't very much. I've been getting sick since last week, but my parents think it's the flu."

"Oh Meredith," Addison whispered. "You need to see a doctor."

"My parents want me to see one," Meredith whispered. "But I can't see the family doctor, he'll tell them before he tells me."

"We can go to my doctor," Addison said. "He is taking good care of me, and you're in the same situation, so he won't judge you."

The tears that Meredith was trying to fight finally fell as she looked at her best friend. "How do I explain this to my parents?" she asked. "The Shepherds? Derek…he's fighting in a war. And he hates me."

"Okay, first of all, Derek could never hate you," Addison said. "And we'll figure out the rest when we know if you are pregnant."

Meredith swallowed hard as she nodded. "Okay," she whispered.

"I'll call the office right now," Addison said. "And see if you can go in today."

"It's Saturday," Meredith said softly.

"And this is an emergency," Addison replied, dialing the phone and holding it up to her ear. She spoke quietly into the phone and Meredith turned to look into the living room, half of which had been set up as a nursery. She took in everything from the wooden crib to the tiny outfits that were waiting to be washed and folded and felt another wave of nausea wash over her.

She was pregnant.

She knew it, and hearing it from the doctor would only confirm her suspicions. She was carrying Derek Shepherd's love child, and her entire world was about to change. She had no idea how to raise a baby, to care for it and make sure it was safe. And she had no idea how to tell her family or Derek and his family of her condition. But the one thing that she did know was that she loved this baby. She wasn't even entirely sure that there was a baby, but she already felt an overwhelming sense of love for the tiny life growing inside of her. And ultimately that was all that mattered; that she loved her baby. The rest she could figure out.

"All right," Addison said, hanging up the phone and reaching for her pocketbook. "Let's go."

"Now?" Meredith asked, standing from the kitchen table.

"There was a cancellation," Addison replied. "We have half an hour."

"You're coming with me?" Meredith asked. "You hate going out in public."

"And you're scared," Addison said. "Us unwed pregnant women have to stick together."

"Right," Meredith whispered. "Pregnant."

"Come on," Addison said. "One step at a time. That's how I've gotten to this point. Don't worry about anything right now besides whether or not there's a baby in there."

Meredith was silent as she walked alongside Addison down the street. She could do this. For her baby's sake, she had to be strong and get through this. Because if she could get through today, she could get through anything.

XXXXX

"Miss Grey," a nurse's voice said gently an hour later. "The doctor has your test results back."

"Okay," Meredith said, standing and trying not to shake as she stood and made her way back to the exam room.

"Meredith," Dr. Robinson said from his seat, gesturing to the table in front of him. "It seems your suspicions are correct. Congratulations on your pregnancy."

"Oh," Meredith whispered, a hand automatically moving to her stomach, as if touching her baby for the first time. "I…you're sure?"

"It's pretty hard to be wrong about these things," Dr. Robinson smiled softly. "I know you're not married. Do you mind if I ask about the father?"

"No," Meredith inhaled deeply. "He's in England. But we're not…we were together. I went to visit him at basic training, and that's when…anyways, we broke up."

"I'm sorry," Dr. Robinson smiled sympathetically. "If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know."

"Thanks," Meredith sighed. "So what should I do now? Are you going to give me the same lecture you did to Addison about everything I'm not allowed to do?"

"Just slow down a little," Dr. Robinson said with a sympathetic smile. "And if you like, I can give you the contact information for an adoption agency."

"Adoption," Meredith repeated, then turned to throw up into a trash can sitting beside the bench. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Dr. Robinson said, offering her a cup of water. "Part of my job."

"I guess," Meredith smiled slightly. "But I don't…adoption isn't going to happen. I don't want…I want my baby. I'm keeping him or her."

"Okay," Dr. Robinson said, writing something down in her chart. "For what it's worth I think you're going to be a great mother."

"Thanks," Meredith said, standing on shaky feet. "So I'll make another appointment?"

"Please," he nodded. "And call me if there's any pain, bleeding, or something that doesn't feel right."

"I will," Meredith promised. "And thank you."

"My pleasure."

Meredith walked slowly out of the exam room, sitting down beside Addison in the waiting room. "I was right," she whispered.

Addison didn't say a word as she wrapped an arm around her friend. "Well," she said. "The world is either going to love us or hate us."

"Why?" Meredith asked, pulling back to look at her friend.

"Because we're bringing the next generation of Shepherd and Sloan into the world."

"Oh my gosh," Meredith managed to giggle. "I hope they're both girls."

"Maybe one's a boy and one's a girl," Addison suggested. "Then they can get married."

"Sounds like a perfect plan," Meredith smiled. And for a moment, everything felt okay.

XXXXX

"Meredith, you're not dressed," Ellis frowned later that evening as Meredith appeared in the living room door.

"I know," Meredith said softly, wringing her hands together. "I need to talk to you and Daddy."

"Daddy?" Thatcher's voice came from behind her. "This must be important."

"It is," Meredith said, taking a deep breath and pressing her hands against her stomach. She could do this. "You might want to sit down."

"Meredith, honestly, we don't have time for this," Ellis rolled her eyes. "Go upstairs and get dressed, we're going to be…"

"I'm pregnant." Somehow it seemed easier to simply say it rather than draw out the process.

The room went completely silent for a long moment, and she looked back forth between her parents, waiting for them to react to what she had just told them.

"I know it's unexpected," Meredith said softly. "And…not what you want to hear. But I'm a woman now, and I can make my own decisions. And I've already decided to keep the baby."

There was another long silence before Ellis asked evenly, "Who is the father?"

Meredith swallowed hard. "Derek," she said softly.

"Don't lie to us, Meredith Elizabeth," Thatcher snapped. "Derek's been gone for five months."

"I know," Meredith whispered. "And two and a half months ago, when I told you I was going to Pennsylvania with Addison, I went to Virginia to visit Derek in basic training."

"I see," Thatcher nodded slowly.

"I'll call Elizabeth," Ellis said softly. "Meredith can stay with her until the baby is born and put up for adoption."

"What?" Meredith frowned. "I'm not living with Aunt Elizabeth. And I'm not giving my baby away."

"Meredith," Thatcher sighed, rubbing his forehead slightly. "You cannot have a child out of wedlock."

"Unless we tell people she and Derek eloped," Ellis murmured. "It's not ideal, but that would explain things."

"No," Meredith frowned. "We broke up."

"Excuse me?" Ellis asked.

"Derek and I broke up when I visited him," Meredith said softly. "I'm not lying to anyone. It's no one else's business."

"Meredith, please leave your father and I alone to talk," Ellis said, sinking back onto the couch. "We need to discuss this."

"There's nothing to discuss," Meredith said firmly. "I'm having a baby. And I'm keeping it."

"It's not that simple," Ellis said softly. "Meredith, this is not something to be taken lightly. We need to figure out a way to cover this up. And we're not going to let you throw your life away because of this mess."

"It's not a mess," Meredith insisted. "It's my baby."

Ellis sighed dramatically and turned to look pointedly at her husband.

"Meredith," Thatcher prodded. "Please leave us be. We need to discuss this."

Meredith nodded slowly. "Fine," she said. "But no matter what, I've already made up my mind. I'm having this baby."

"Meredith. Leave. Now."

Without another word, Meredith stepped out of the living room, sitting down on the bottom of the stairs as she tried to hear every word they were saying.

"…irresponsible. There is no way I'm going to let her go through with this," Ellis snapped.

"She's emotional, she's not thinking clearly," Thatcher said. "We have to at least make it appear as though we are listening to her."

Meredith felt a sudden wave of de ja vous wash over her. If she didn't know any better, it was six months earlier, listening to her parents discuss Derek's upcoming departure to the military and planning on leading her on until she did what they wanted her to do.

Without another thought, she jumped off of the stairs and ran towards the front door and across the street. And even though she usually would have burst through the back door of the Shepherd's home, she instead ran up to the front door and pounded on the door, trying not to throw up at the sight of the service flag hanging from the window to her right.

"Meredith," Carolyn said, a look of surprise and concern on her face when she opened the door. "Are you alright? We haven't seen you in weeks."

Meredith shook her head as she reached out for a hug. "I'm scared."

"What are you scared of sweetheart?" Carolyn said softly, rubbing her back gently. "Is it Derek? He's just fine…"

"It's not that," Meredith whispered as she pulled back, wiping away tears. "I know you probably hate me, but I just…I need to talk to you."

"I could never hate you, Meredith," Carolyn said softly, reaching to squeeze the young girl's hand. "Derek told me what happened, but I do hope when he gets home you can work things out between the two of you."

"We're going to have to," Meredith whispered, raising her gaze to meet Carolyn's. "Because…I'm pregnant."


	19. Chapter 19

**This chapter might seem a little random, but it's basically just flashes of everyone's reactions to the news. I'm glad you're all enjoying, please keep letting me know what you think!**

"I found out this morning," Meredith whispered, her knees pulled up to her chest as she clutched a cup of warm tea in her hands. Carolyn was sitting across from her at the kitchen table, her own cup of tea in her hands and paying attention to every word Meredith was saying. "I told Addison I thought I was, and she took me to her doctor. He said he knew of an adoption agency, but…it's my baby. It's Derek's baby. I can't just give our baby away."

"I understand," Carolyn said softly. "Have you told your parents?"

"They want to send me to live with my aunt until the baby is born," Meredith said. "And then I should give him or her up for adoption."

"And what did you tell them?"

"I said it wasn't an option. But they told me I didn't have a choice and said they needed to discuss it. So I came here."

"I'm glad you did," Carolyn said softly, reaching across the table to squeeze Meredith's hand. "You can always come here."

"I'm sorry," Meredith whispered. "About everything. And I know you probably never thought that you'd get your second grandchild from Derek and not Nancy, so I'm sorry. I'm ruining his image or whatever, and tainting your family name."

"Meredith," Carolyn frowned. "You know all of us well enough to know that we don't care about what anyone else thinks about this family. Lord knows we've been through enough gossip that we've learned not to deal with it."

"But I'm ruining his life," Meredith whispered.

"Do not blame yourself for anything," Carolyn said firmly. "Derek is just as much apart of this as you are."

"He doesn't even know," Meredith whispered.

"You have to tell him," Carolyn said. "He needs to know, Meredith. He will be so thrilled."

"He hates me," Meredith whispered, tears filling her eyes. "I know you don't think he does, but you weren't there. You didn't hear the things he was saying to me, how he just abandoned me to play darts with the jerks in his training."

"Sweetheart," Carolyn sighed. "Derek is a complicated man. He pretends that he is cool and collected, but he has always been a bit of a loner. I don't know if you ever saw that, but he was always content to simply do what he wanted to, what he was good at. And when he joined the army that whole type of lifestyle wasn't acceptable anymore. He had to do whatever he was told at the moment he was told to do it, and if he didn't, he was sure to become a target of mockery."

"But he just gave in to them," Meredith whispered. "I rode on a stupid bus for seven hours to see him and he just abandoned me."

"And you're getting a child out of that visit," Carolyn replied. "Believe it or not, Meredith, this child is a blessing."

"Right," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I love this baby. But I didn't want to have any children until we were older. And after Derek and I broke up, I didn't think I ever would."

Carolyn was silent for a moment before she stood, reaching for Meredith's hand. "Come with me," she said.

"Where are we going?" Meredith asked, following Carolyn up the stairs to the attic, through Derek's room to the storage area in the back.

"I'm going to tell you something that I have never told anyone," Carolyn said, reaching for a box in the corner of the room. "But first you have to promise me that you will never tell anyone. Especially Derek."

"I promise," Meredith nodded, immediately curious. Carolyn Shepherd didn't keep secrets.

"Alright," Carolyn said, reaching into the box and pulling out a piece of paper. "This is Michael's and my marriage certificate."

"Okay," Meredith frowned, looking down at it. "Why are you showing me this?"

"Look at the date."

"July 7, 1917," Meredith read.

"Kathleen was born in November of 1917," Carolyn said softly. "Full term, not premature."

"Which means…" Meredith whispered.

"I was five months pregnant when we got married," Carolyn replied. "We told our children that we were married a year before we actually were."

"Oh," Meredith whispered. "I can't believe this."

"My parents forbid me from seeing Michael," Carolyn said. "I met him at the country club, he was there visiting a cousin. My parents didn't approve of him, so I had to sneak out to be with him. He wasn't involved in the war, but other than that…our situations aren't too different."

"Except he never broke up with you," Meredith whispered.

"Oh Meredith," Carolyn sighed, pulling the young girl into her arms and pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "You will work things out. I promise. And if anything happens with your parents, you know you are welcome to stay here."

"Until Derek comes home," Meredith sighed. "Then I'll be homeless."

"You know as well as I do that that boy will never let you go out on your own," Carolyn said. "Now I have to go pick Amelia up at school. You stay here and write Derek, telling him everything. It will make you feel better, I promise. Speak from your heart."

Meredith nodded, stepping out of the storage area and into Derek's bedroom, which was completely the same as it had always been. Including the picture of the two of them that was placed on his desk in the corner of the room.

She sat down slowly at the desk that had been abandoned for months, looking at the photograph for a long moment before she reached for a piece of paper and began writing.

_Dear Derek,_

_This is strange. I know you weren't expecting to hear from me, especially after you were a jerk…_

_Dear Derek,_

_I hope you're doing well in England…._

_Dear Derek,_

_There's something I have to tell you…_

_Dear Derek,_

_I'm pregnant._

After several drafts of what she knew was going to be the hardest letter she ever had to write, she closed her eyes and reached for a fresh piece of paper. She had to speak from her heart. She had to tell him the truth and not worry about how he was going to react.

_Dear Derek,_

_It's been a long time. I know it's been a really long time since we've talked, but I miss you. I know we said things and had that stupid fight, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss you, that I don't think about you every second of the day. And I'm sorry. I overreacted in Virginia, and I'm sorry._

_Your mother told me you're flying in England. The newspapers say that there's a lot of fighting going on there, so please be careful. I know I'm not your girlfriend anymore, and I don't even know if you want me to be. But I promised you that I would wait for you, so I'm going to. And I hope that when you get home we can at least be able to talk like adults. I'm going to need that, Derek. More than you know. I don't really know to tell you what I have to tell you, so I guess I'll just tell you._

_I'm pregnant._

_I know it's crazy. It's completely crazy and not expected and probably not what you want at all. But I'm having a baby. Your baby. And I'm going to be a mother. But I'm giving you a choice._

_This whole situation is so confusing. I want to have this baby, but we're not together anymore. And I get it if you hate me and don't want to have a baby with me. I know it's not ideal, I know it's not what is acceptable, but I'm having a baby. And you can be a father. If you want to. You don't have to have any obligation to me, but if you want to be a father, you can be involved in every part of this child's life that you want to be._

_My parents want me to put the baby up for adoption. But I can't do that, Derek. We made this child, and even if you don't love me anymore, this baby is a product of a love we used to share. I can't just let someone else raise our child._

_I know you're in over your head. I know this is probably the last thing you have to worry about when you're trying to fight in a war. But I thought you had a right to know. You're a father, Derek. Whether you want to be part of this baby's life or not, there's a tiny life growing inside of me, part of which belongs to you. Take all the time you need to process this, and don't feel pressured to write back to me. But please just think about this. A baby, Derek. A tiny baby that's all yours. That's what you have to come home to. So please come home. That's the only thing that I ask of you, please just be careful and come home. For everyone who loves you, including me. Come home safely._

_Meredith_

She put the letter in an envelope and sealed it quickly, trying not to let her tears fall onto the paper as she slowly stood from the desk, turning to look around the room that was so familiar. Derek was surrounding her completely, every essence of his childhood and the person that he was completely engulfing her. She knew she shouldn't be here, she shouldn't be surrounding herself with surroundings of the man she loved who didn't love her back. But she couldn't help it, and with a deep breath she threw herself onto the bed, buried her face in the pillow, and allowed herself to cry.

XXXXXX

It was a week later when Meredith's letter fluttered to the floor beside Derek's army cot in England. He sat frozen on the edge of the cot, his brain working in overtime as he tried to process everything that had been written in the short letter.

He'd missed Meredith. The past three months had been hell without her letters to comfort him and help him work through the difficulty of fighting in a war. He knew he could have written to her as well, but he hadn't been sure that he would ever get a response, and he wasn't sure he could handle rejection from Meredith.

And now she was pregnant.

And she thought he hated her.

And she thought that he didn't want to work things out.

There was so much in that letter to process, much too much to even start on right now. But in this moment, as he sat in his quarters in an abandoned warehouse just south of London, he knew that he had to do something to tell Meredith how much he loved her, how much he would prefer to be at home with her right now instead of watching planes fall out of the sky and men get blown to pieces.

"You okay, Shep?"

Derek looked up to see Owen standing in front of him, an expression of concern on his face. Somehow the two of them had gotten placed in the same military outfit, for which Derek was eternally grateful. The rest of the men in his squad pretty much kept to themselves, which was just fine with him. He was quickly learning that he was more of a loner than a socialite like Meredith.

"I don't know," Derek replied honestly. "My girlfriend…my ex-girlfriend…is pregnant." The words sounded wrong and foreign coming out of his mouth, and he watched as his friend's face morphed into surprise.

"Is she okay?" Owen asked.

"I don't know," Derek breathed. "I need…something. I don't know…I just need…I need…breathe, I need to breathe."

"Here," Owen offered him a brown paper bag. "Breathe into this. Nice calm breaths….inhale slowly…there you go."

Derek swallowed hard as his breathing got under control again, his breath evening out as he finally lowered the bag from his mouth. "I need to talk to her," he whispered. "There's a phone in the lieutenant's quarters. I need to talk to her."

"Phones don't make calls to the States," Owen said softly. "Send her a telegram."

"Telegram," Derek murmured. "That's so…impersonal. I can't explain all of my feelings in one telegram."

"And it's faster than mail," Owen said. "Send her something simple to tell her that you're thinking of her. And then write her a full letter. If she's anything like my girlfriend, she'll worry until she hears anything at all from you."

"Right," Derek said, swallowing hard. "I should go send it."

"I'll buy you a beer tonight," Owen smiled, patting his back. "And Shep?"

"Yeah?"

"Congratulations."

Derek swallowed hard as he made his way towards the communication headquarters where he could send telegrams. And hopefully Meredith's mind would be settled from a short message from him until he had the time to write a letter and really express his feelings to her.

XXXXX

_Meredith,_ _I'm sorry. Please don't worry. I'll write soon. Derek._

"That's it?" Addison frowned, looking down at the small yellow piece of paper Meredith had handed her moments earlier.

"That's it," Meredith nodded. "Do you think it's good or bad?"

"I don't know," Addison said, moving a hand over her stomach. "He said he would write, that has to be a good thing."

"He didn't even say anything about the baby," Meredith whispered, her hand traveling to her stomach, which was already starting to swell slightly under her blouse.

"Meredith?" her mother's voice came from downstairs and she sighed as she looked at Addison.

"You should probably go," she said. "I don't think you're going to want to witness this."

"I'll stay here if you don't mind," Addison said softly. "So you have someone to talk to when they're done."

"Thanks," Meredith sighed, taking a deep breath as she stood and made her way down the stairs to her father's study.

"Meredith," Thatcher said from where he sat behind his desk. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Meredith replied. "What do you need to say to me?"

"Having an attitude will not help you out with this, young lady," Ellis warned. "We have contacted your father's sister, and she is kind enough to say that you can stay with her in Seattle until you give birth. We will tell our friends that you have gone back to college, and then you will give your baby up for adoption."

"No," Meredith said firmly. "I'm keeping this baby."

"Meredith, it is entirely inappropriate to have a child out of wedlock," Thatcher said. "We've been over this."

"Should I tell Lexie you said that?" Meredith snapped.

"Meredith," Ellis snapped in response. "Do not speak to your family that way."

"You're completely hypocritical!" Meredith cried. "You're telling me that I'm a whore and inappropriate, but you have two children outside of wedlock."

"Meredith Elizabeth, you better stop right now if you know what's best for you," Ellis said.

"I'm not going to sit here and listen to you tell me what to do," Meredith said. "I'm keeping this baby. You can't make me give it up."

"We certainly are not going to support you through this," Thatcher said. "You have a comfortable life with us, Meredith, and I know you don't appreciate it. But if you have this baby you will not come back to this house. And your trust fund will be canceled."

"Fine," Meredith said, standing and moving towards the door. "I'll leave right now."

"Meredith," Ellis snapped. "Think about what you are doing right now."

"I'm being a good mother," Meredith replied, staring her mother straight in the eye. "Not that that is something you know anything about."

With that, she turned and ran up the stairs, ready to pack her things and go to Mrs. Shepherd. She was ready to face her future, no matter what it held, with or without Derek.


	20. Chapter 20

**Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing! I'm so glad that you're all liking it. I would like to preface this chapter by saying that while I did a fairly extensive amount of research on World War II, the logistics of the military and details of what actually happened in the heat of the moment are completely lost on me. So I did my best with the details of this chapter, but if there are some inaccuracies please overlook them for the sake of the story. I'm not a history expert, so please take that into consideration when reading this chapter. Again, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!**

Dear Meredith,

This is probably the most challenging letter I will ever write. And I know you probably had ten times more difficulty writing to so I really don't have any reason to complain. But that doesn't mean that I have no idea how to write this.

I have so much to say to you, Meredith, and I don't know where to begin. I hate not knowing how to talk to you. For my whole life, I've always known that I can depend on you, and then I messed that up. But I hate not knowing what to say or how to talk to you. I want us to be able to talk again.

I guess I should start with I'm sorry. It's both of our fault that the fight got so out of hand, but I take full responsibility for the fact that there was even a fight that night. I never should have treated you so horribly, and that night is something I will always regret. So the first thing I'm going to say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for that night and I'm sorry for not writing. But most of all, I'm sorry that you think I don't love you anymore. A long time ago, I promise you and myself that I would never let you feel unloved again. I broke that promise and I am so sorry for that. It's hard to explain in a letter, but when I get home I'll tell you everything. I know you have no reason to trust me anymore, and I don't blame you for that. But I am going to fight like hell to get your forgiveness, and I will never ever break a promise to you again. This is killing me, Meredith.

You should know that I never stopped loving you, not once. You've been it for me since you came over to my house when we were five, wide eyed and in awe of the new swing set and our family.

And now I should get to the most important part of this letter. The part about our entire future and what we're going to do.

We're having a baby, Meredith. I really do mean we. There is no way that I am going to let you do this on your own. I'm in this, Mer, entirely in this. I know you're probably scared, I am too. But we can do this. I know we can, and the second I am home I will be right there with you, and our baby, doing everything I can to help you.

With that being said, though, there is a lot that I can't do from here. I'm going to ask my mom to let you stay with her. You have told her, haven't you? Because she should know, she'll be thrilled. And she'll help you, even though I can't. My first leave isn't for another four months, but I'll be there for the whole thing. Will Baby be there yet? I want details, Mer. Doctor's appointments, kicking, anything at all about Baby. And I definitely am going to help name him or her. How do you feel about Derek Jr.?

In all seriousness, Mer, I just want to say thank you. It would have been so easy for you to run and give the baby up for adoption without ever telling me about it. But you didn't. You're changing your entire life for our child and you didn't even know whether I was going to be supportive or not. So thank you. We will figure this out. When I get home we will sit down and talk through everything, putting all thoughts of the baby aside. I'm going to love this baby more than anything in the world, but we need to talk about us without the factor of the baby so we know that we won't feel like we have to be together so we will be good parents. We should be together because we're in love. And I do love you, Meredith. Despite everything, I love you more than I ever have. So wait for me. I understand if you can't, but that's the one thing I ask of you. Please wait for me before you decide you need to move on. And please write to me. Your letters bring me comfort to this cold, dark war, so please write so I have something to look forward to.

I love you, Meredith. And we'll fix this soon.

Yours forever,

Derek

XXXXX

Dear Derek,

I'm about give months along now. The doctor says everything looks good, and this morning when I was reading your letter he kicked for the first time. Really kicked, not just flutters that only I could feel. Kathleen says he's kicking harder than Nicole ever did, which further proves that our baby is a boy.

I wish you were here to feel him kicking.

So much has happened. Addison had her baby, a healthy boy she named Tristan Mark. He's so beautiful, Derek, and I can't wait until I can hold our baby. And I can't wait to watch you with him. It is a him. I know you're set on having a little girl, but I think it's a boy. Andrew. Andrew Derek Shepherd.

Anyways, I finally found a job. I've been working at the night club in town as a cocktail waitress. I get a lot of good money, and since I can wear some of the newer clothes I can cover up the bump pretty easily.

I sent you a surprise, by the way. Your sisters seem to think it's a good idea for you to see my when I all fat and gross. So I have a picture for you, of me and Baby. That's the closest you can be to me right now, but I really wish you could be here. Your mom and sisters have been amazing, but that doesn't mean I don't wish you were here with me, to take care of us. Baby wants to meet you

I'm writing to your new base in Germany, so I don't know when you'll get this. Please be careful, Derek. I know you've been lucky so far and you're probably a really great co-pilot. But Germany is the center of all of the danger. Don't think I don't read the papers or listen to the news. I know what's going on in Europe, and I just…Addison's alone. Completely alone because Mark died in this stupid war. And I don't know if I could do this without you. So please come home. Come home so we can figure out what we are to each other and raise our baby.

Stay safe, Derek. For Baby. He needs a daddy.

Yours forever,

Meredith

XXXXXXXX

Derek smiled softly as he looked Meredith's letter over again. She was still managing to be completely strong and amazing, and she was proving to be a better mother every time he heard from her. He couldn't wait to get home to see her, and he was more than grateful that his leave would overlap with her final weeks of pregnancy, and perhaps even the birth of his child. He had no idea how he would go back to fighting after being with her, but right now all he could do was focus on fighting home to her.

She looked beautiful. Her couldn't stop staring at the picture she had enclosed. Her hair was falling softly over her shoulders, and her hand resting on the soft swell of her belly. The belly where his baby was resting, the tiny life that Meredith was keeping alive all by herself, and suddenly he was filled with an ache to see her, to hold her in his arms and apologize to her face, to feel their baby moving inside of her. More than anything, he just wanted to be with her and be happy with her forever.

With a deep breath, he reached over to the wall over his bed, pinning the new picture of Meredith beside the picture of her that he'd had with him since he'd been at Bowdoin, the picture that traveled with him no matter what.

"Is that Meredith?" Owen's voice came from beside him, and he turned to look at the only friend he had in his outfit.

"Yeah," Derek said softly. "She looks beautiful, doesn't she?"

"Your kid is going to be pretty good looking," Owen agreed. "Hopefully it will look like her."

"Hopefully," Derek agreed.

"You ready for a change in scenery?" Owen asked, settling onto his Army cot beside Derek's. "Apparently it's a lot more different over here than it is in England."

"I guess we'll find out," Derek said, leaning back into the bed and staring at the ceiling. "God, I miss her."

Owen was silent as he continued unpacking his bag, looking up at Derek as he did so.

"Is it like that for you too?" Derek asked, turning to look at him. "With your girlfriend?"

"I don't have a girlfriend anymore," Owen said softly. "She met someone."

"Oh," Derek breathed. "I don't…I'm sorry."

"It happens," Owen shrugged. "But I'm not like you. I can't compartmentalize my life like you can. It was her or the war."

"Well that's probably why you're better at this than I am," Derek sighed. "Maybe I can focus on fighting when I have to, but she's still in the back of my head. I can't forget about her, no matter what I'm doing."

"Don't," Owen said. "She's giving you a baby, Shep. Maybe it's not exactly manly for me to say it, but that's the most precious gift there is. She obviously loves you and the baby a lot, so don't give it up."

Derek smiled softly. "Thanks," he said. "I need to not screw this up again."

"Good luck," Owen smiled, reaching to clap him on the back. "Flying in a war is one thing. Trying to understand the mind of a woman…something completely different."

Derek laughed. "Especially a woman like Meredith Grey."

Before Owen could respond, a loud alarm rang out through the building and the room bustled into action. Derek and Owen joined in the men who sprang off of their beds, pulling on uniforms as they sprinted towards the army planes waiting outside of their quarters. Derek had become accustomed to going into action after hearing an alarm go off, but this was a new environment, and he felt a sudden rush of exhilaration wash over his body. As much as he hated being in this war, he had to admit that it was a kind of high that he had never felt anywhere else.

"Let's do this, Shepherd!" Owen cried as he jumped into the pilot seat of their plane.

"We got it!" Derek cried, pulling his headphones over his head and reaching for the controls on the front panel.

They had long ago settled into a routine, and he moved through the actions quickly. After the plane had taken off of the ground, Owen focus on dodging the German planes while Derek used the ammo to take them down. There was much more action in the air than there had been in England, but they still managed to take down three planes.

Then it happened.

Derek wasn't sure what was going on as he felt the plane jerk suddenly, then Owen shouted something about the controls. Then the plane was dropping much too quickly, and Owen was shouting mayday signals into the radio.

"What's happening?" Derek shouted.

"We were shot," Owen replied. "Attention base, this is plane 536, we're going down. Quadrants are 57, 84, 10. Repeat, plane 536 is going down."

Derek could feel the panic rising in him, and the only thing that flashed through his head was Meredith and the baby that he would very rarely ever get to meet. And he felt tears stinging his eyes at the thought that he and Meredith would never see each other again, and their baby would never know its father.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion as Derek closed his eyes tightly and he pictured his father's face. "Please Dad," he whispered. "Take care of Mer."

He repeated these words several times before he felt the plane make contact. And then everything went dark.

He wasn't sure how long it was before he woke again, but when he did he felt pain rushing over his entire body. With a groan of pain he turned to look around him, finding himself in a damp, dark room with a few other men around him. There were several men sitting on bunks around him, but they all looked exhausted and not exactly ready to fight a war.

"Owen," he breathed. "Where are we?"

"I have no idea," Owen said softly. "But I can guess."

"If your guess is that you're a prisoner of war," a voice said from beside him. "Then you're right."

"Prisoner of war?" Derek frowned.

"That's right," he said, turning to look at him with wide eyes. "Stalag. I've been here for almost a month now. They're going to start working you soon."

"Working?" Owen frowned.

"Anything they need done," he shrugged. "Lately I've been fixing the broken airplanes to give the Germans more to work with and win the war."

"So we have to be their slaves?" Derek frowned.

"Pretty much. I'm Matt, by the way."

"Derek," he said, offering him a handshake.

"Owen," he offered a hand also.

"Nice to meet both of you," Matt said. "It seems like we'll be spending a lot of time together, if they can ever get us out of here."

"You've been here a whole month," Derek breathed.

"That's not that long," Matt said. "There are men who have been here for nearly a year."

"A year," Owen repeated.

"Yep," Matt said. "And right now, my baby girl is turning six. My wife is probably having a birthday party, but I can't even tell her happy birthday because I'm stuck in here."

"You can't even write home?" Derek frowned.

"The US Army probably went to visit the house," Matt said. "Telling my wife that I'm either a prisoner of war or missing in action. I don't even know which, but for all they know, I'm dead and they have completely moved on."

"Meredith," Derek whispered.

"No contact," Owen breathed.

"Washington's trying to get us out," Matt continued. "Apparently there are troops negotiating our release, but no one knows when that can happen."

Derek breathed deeply as he thought about his family receiving a visit from Army officers. His mother would lock herself in her bedroom the way she had after his father had died, Liz would try to be strong for everyone, and Amelia would further rebel against the war and the rest of society.

And Meredith would be completely terrified, unable to talk in coherent sentences or tell anyone what she was actually feeling. He only hoped that she would take care of herself enough to make sure that she and the baby were healthy.

As his thoughts were filled with Meredith and the rest of his family, the door burst open and several Nazi officers began yelling in German. All thoughts of his family was quickly pushed aside as he followed the other prisoners out of the room, knowing that he had to get out of here, he had to fight to stay alive and make sure he got home safely.

He had a feeling that this was going to be even harder than fighting as a free officer of the Army.


	21. Chapter 21

Meredith wasn't sure why she was here. For the past three months since she had learned of her pregnancy, she had rarely left the Shepherds' house, her house. She went to work, she went to the doctor and she went to visit Addison and her baby, but other than that she mostly spent time in Derek's old bedroom, writing to him and planning for the birth of her baby.

But now Carolyn wasn't feeling well and since Liz and Amelia were both at school, she had asked Meredith to go to the pharmacy to pick up some cough medicine for her. After everything that Carolyn had done for her, Meredith couldn't very well say no, so she had put on a smile on her face and grabbed her purse, ready to brave the outside world that had been so cruel to her since she had been shunned by her parents.

But to her surprise she had been driven into town and made it all the way to the cashier without anyone speaking from her past coming up to speak to her. She had finally paid and was breathing a sigh of relief when she heard someone call her name. With a deep breath, she turned to look at a woman she recognized from her mother's various fundraising parties.

"Mrs. Johnson," she said, placing a fake smile on her face.

"Well, your mother told me that you went to college on the west coast," Mrs. Johnson said. "Did you change your mind?"

"No," Meredith sighed. "I just…there were other things that came up."

"Is everything…" Mrs. Johnson's voice trailed off as she looked down to see the soft swell of Meredith's belly. "Oh, I see."

"I've actually moved out of my parents' house," Meredith said, resting a hand on her stomach. "They're not exactly happy with the decisions I have made."

"Obviously not," Mrs. Johnson said, her voice cooling immediately. "I wasn't aware that you had married. I would have thought that I would have been invited to the wedding after all I have done for your family."

"I'm not married," Meredith said softly. "If you excuse me, I have somewhere I need to be."

"Of course," Mrs. Johnson nodded coolly. "Congratulations."

Meredith didn't respond as she walked away, trying to process exactly how someone could make the word congratulations sound so incredibly demeaning and horrible. She was completely humiliated and ashamed of herself as she stepped onto the street, clutching her stomach tightly as if trying to protect her baby from the cruelty of the world.

"I'm sorry, baby," she whispered. "Mommy's trying hard."

"Mer," she heard a familiar voice say from beside her, and she turned to see Addison standing beside her, clutching Tristan close to her chest.

"Hi Addie," she smiled, stepping closer to run her hand over the baby's head. "Hi Tristan. You look more and more like your dad every day."

"He does," Addison smiled down at her son. "What are you doing here? I just saw Nancy, she said that there's some big meeting at your house."

"Meeting?" Meredith frowned. "I don't know about any meeting."

"Well you might want to get over there," Addison said, shifting Tristan to her other shoulder. "She made it seem like it was pretty important."

"Right," Meredith said, moving closer to her car. "I should go. But I'll see you soon, right?"

"Of course," Addison smiled as she waved Tristan's little hand in Meredith's direction. "Say bye, Aunt Mer."

Meredith's heart pounded as she climbed back into her car, pulling into traffic and trying not to imagine what could possibly be going on at the Shepherds' house that she didn't know about. Carolyn had been fine when she'd left a half an hour earlier, and her heart literally hurt at the thoughts of what could possibly have happened in that short time span.

She frowned as she turned onto her street, wondering where the shiny black sedan in front of her was going. It was unusual that there was ever a car this nice in their neighborhood, and the only time she had ever seen a car like this on her street had been when she was still in high school and one of the men down the street had been killed in action.

Her heart began to pound harder in her chest as she pulled into the driveway, watching as the car pulled to the side of the road.

With a pounding heart, Meredith got out of her car and watched as two men decorated in full Army uniform stepped out of the car. She made eye contact with one of them for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality was probably more like a few seconds.

"Ma'am," he nodded to her. "Is this the home if Private Derek Shepherd?"

"Yes," she said slowly. "Why are you here?"

"If you would allow it, ma'am, I think this conversation should take place inside," he replied. "With Private Shepherd's mother."

The world began to spin around her as she reached out to stabilize herself on the hood of the car.

Derek was dead.

That was the only possible reason that there would be Army officers showing up at the house and asking to speak with Derek's mother.

"Meredith," Carolyn's slightly choked up voice came from the porch. "Come inside, dear."

"Carolyn," she gasped. "They're here to talk about Derek."

"I know sweetheart," she whispered, wrapping an arm around Meredith's shoulders. "Officers. Please come inside, my family is waiting to hear whatever it is you have to say to us."

"Thank you, ma'am."

They both took off their white Army issued hats as they stepped into the house and followed Carolyn into the living room. All four of the Shepherd sisters were huddled together on one couch, their eyes trained on the officers.

"I'm Lieutenant Mayer," the taller one introduced. "And this is Lieutenant Mason."

"With all due respect," Carolyn said shortly. "We all know that you are here because something has happened to my son. I'm assuming that the news is not good, so please just tell us what it is so we can react accordingly."

"Of course, ma'am," Officer Mason said. "Your son has been reported as missing in action."

"Missing in action," Carolyn repeated as Meredith felt the world start to spin around her. She wasn't sure whether this was good or bad; Derek wasn't dead, but no one knew where he was. And there was a strong possibility that he could be dead, and she didn't want to think about that.

"What exactly does that mean?" Kathleen asked.

"His plane went down somewhere near the French-German border," Lieutenant Mayer said softly. "We have been unable to locate the exact position and there hasn't been any contact from him since the crash."

"So he's not dead," Liz said. "He's alive, you just have to find him."

"We can't confirm or deny that," Officer Mason said. "But we do know that he landed in German controlled territory. Which means if he is alive it is likely that he is either in hiding or a prisoner of war held by the Nazi Army. And I give you my word that we will do absolutely everything we can to find your son and return him home to you safely."

Meredith stared at the wall in front of her for a long moment, not wanting to listen to anything else the two men had to say. She couldn't sit around and listen to these men talk about Derek as if he was some kind of lost toy that they were searching the house for among a thousand other missing objects.

"You're lying," she finally heard herself say, turning to look at the two officers. "It's not him. It wasn't his plane, he…he was somewhere else. He was flying in a different plane for some reason, a plane that landed safely, and you just haven't realized it!"

"Meredith," Carolyn said, reaching for her arm. "Calm down."

"No!" Meredith shouted, pulling herself to her feet. "I'm not going to calm down because the stupid Army is too stupid to know who has gone missing! Derek's fine, he has to be fine! I'm having a baby with him, he has to be okay! My baby needs a father, and you need to find him."

"Mer, stop," Liz whispered, suddenly appearing on her other side. "This isn't helping anything."

Meredith pulled her arm out of Liz's grasp, turning to look at the two lieutenants in front of her. "How come you're not fighting?" she demanded. "How come Derek is over there risking everything and the two of you are just sitting around here? How is that fair? You're cowards. Both of you. You think you're serving your country by walking around and telling people their sons and husbands are dead? That's not serving your country, that's destroying people's lives, and it's not brave. Derek is brave. He's over there, fighting the hatred and oppression that the Nazis have instilled in the German people. He risked his family, his relationships, and never seeing his child because that's what his country needed him to do. And the both of you are cowards. You should be ashamed of yourselves."

"Meredith," Carolyn said softly. "You need to calm down. It's not good for the baby for you to be so worked up."

"Baby," Meredith breathed, her hands moving to her stomach. "He doesn't have a father. My baby is never going to know his father."

Carolyn's eyes filled with tears, but she squeezed Meredith's hand gently. "We don't know that," she said softly. "But I think you should go lay down."

Meredith swallowed hard as she shook her head. "Derek's room," she whispered. "I can't…he's there. Everything about him is there but he's not there. And I can't go in there right now, I can't."

"It's okay," Carolyn assured her. "Amelia, help Meredith up to my room please."

Amelia nodded as she moved closer to Meredith, taking her arm and walking with her towards the stairs. As soon as they were out of sight, Carolyn turned back to the officers. "I apologize for her behavior," she said gently. "She has had a difficult past couple of months."

"It's alright, ma'am," Lieutenant Mason said with a nod. "We see a lot of reactions worse than that."

"So what happens now?" Nancy whispered after a long, awkward pause.

"Now," Lieutenant Mayer said. "We do everything we possibly can to get Private Shepherd home safely. And as soon as there is any news at all, good or bad, you will know immediately."

"Is there anything we can do?" Kathleen asked.

"My suggestion is to pray for a safe and quick journey home," Lieutenant Mason said, reaching for a box on the floor by his feet. "Most men fighting in the war prepare these boxes before they ship out. We always home that we will never have to deliver them, but it seems to bring comfort to most of the families we have to speak with."

"What is it?" Carolyn asked, tentatively taking the box in her arms.

"Letters, personal effects," Officer Mason said. "Anything your son would have wanted you to know in case anything happened to him."

"Oh," Carolyn breathed, lowering the box onto the coffee table with shaking hands.

"Mom, are you okay?" Liz asked. "You look pale."

"I'm just fine, sweetheart," Carolyn said before turning to the two men on the couch. "Is there anything else you need from us?"

"No, ma'am," Lieutenant Mayer said as they both stood. "But for your information, we provided you with some contact information for the families in the area who also have sons that are missing. It might help you to talk to some other mothers in the same situation."

"Thank you," Carolyn nodded, walking them to the door and offering them a shaky smile as they stepped back onto the porch.

"Good luck, Mrs. Shepherd," Lieutenant Mason nodded before Carolyn closed the door.

"Mom," Kathleen whimpered from the floor where she had opened the box from Derek. "There are letters. For all of us."

"Letters?" Carolyn asked.

"He wrote one for each of us," Liz said softly. "And there's one for Mer to. And two for the baby. One if it's a boy and one if it's a girl."

Carolyn swallowed hard as she stepped forward, pulling a small stack of letters out of the box. "It's all the letters we wrote him," she whispered. "He kept them all."

"Mom?" Amelia's voice came from the doorway. "Meredith's asking for you."

"Okay," Carolyn said, reaching for a few select letters and standing, looking down at her daughters for a long moment. "We will get through this, girls. The power of prayer is a magical thing, and we have a direct line with your father. He'll make sure that Derek will get home safely."

"We hope so," Nancy said, offering her mother a brave smile.

Carolyn took a deep breath before she made her way up the stairs, to the room that had been her sanctuary since she had moved into the house with Michael, when she was pregnant with Derek and Nancy was just a baby. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to deal with this news, but the one thing she did know was that Meredith was going to be in bad shape. So it was her job to take care of Meredith and the baby. It was what Derek needed her to do.

"Meredith," she said softly as she opened the door to reveal the young woman curled onto the bed, staring straight ahead at the wall in front of her.

"Is this how you felt?"

"What do you mean?" Carolyn asked, settling onto the bed and running a hand through Meredith's hair.

"When Mr. Shepherd died," Meredith sighed. "Did you feel empty and helpless?"

"I did," Carolyn nodded. "But Derek is not dead."

"You don't know that," Meredith whispered.

"I learned a long time ago that it's important to remain positive," Carolyn said. "So until I hear otherwise, I am going to presume that Derek is alive and fighting hard to get home to us. To you and the baby."

"How are you this strong?" Meredith whispered.

"It's simple," Carolyn said with a sad smile. "My children need me to be strong."

"Oh," Meredith breathed, a hand moving to her stomach.

"Is the baby alright?" Carolyn frowned.

"Kicking hard," Meredith whispered. "It's like he knows."

Carolyn smiled sadly as she leaned in to kiss Meredith's forehead. "These might be of some interest to you," she said, handing Meredith three letters. "Whenever you're ready, dear."

Meredith's eyes widened as she recognized Derek's familiar handwriting. "Where are these from?" she whispered. Her name was scrawled across one envelope, the words _baby girl _and _baby boy _boasting the covers of the other two envelopes.

"He wrote them in case something happened," Carolyn said. "We each have one."

"Oh," Meredith breathed. "I don't know if I'll ever be ready."

"That's quite alright," Carolyn said, wrapping an arm around Meredith's shoulders. "I'm sure that Derek will tell you everything in those letters in due time. I'll give you some privacy."

"Thank you," Meredith whispered. "You're…Derek's your son. You must want to fall apart, but you're staying strong to take care of me."

"Just until Derek comes home," Carolyn smiled before standing and stepping out of the room, closing the door behind her. She leaned against the wall for a long moment, closing her eyes tightly and picturing the near identical faces of her husband and their son.

"Take care of him, Michael," she whispered. "Please help him get home."


	22. Chapter 22

**Hi everyone! I am so so sorry for the lack of updates. The majority of my time has been taken up by job searching, but I'm going to get back into the swing of updating more frequently. I really hope people are still interested in this story. And this update, well...you might want to make sure there are some tissues by the computer.**

Dear Mom,

I don't know how to write this letter. I'm hoping that you never have to read it. But if you are, that means that something has happened to me in the war. And I'm sorry. I obviously have no idea what happened, but I can promise you that I did everything I possibly could to get home.

I hate that I'm causing you more pain. It's been less than a year since Dad died, and you don't deserve this kind of pain. You were an amazing mother. I know I probably gave you a run for your money, it probably wasn't easy to raise a son when you were so used to raising girls. But thank you for everything you have done for me. I could not have asked for a better mother, or a better life. It was short, but I spent all of it with you, until the past few months. You always knew just how to take care of me, always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better about my life. You are the best mother in the world, and please don't forget that. The girls still need you to be a good mother.

Meredith needs you to be a good mother. I know you're going to be distraught over this, I know this will probably be nothing compared to the pain I felt when Dad died. But you're a strong woman, and I want you to be able to move on with your life. You need to be happy, Mom, so please don't let this destroy you. If you need something to do, something to keep your mind busy, I think I have the perfect task. It's something you can do for me, something I need you to do.

I need you to take care of Meredith and my baby. Meredith is going to be an amazing mother, and I hate the fact that I'm making her do this by herself. But she's going to raise our baby to be an amazing person, just like you did for us. But she's going to need a support system. She has Addison and the girls, but she really needs you to be a mother to her, so she knows that she's being a good mother to our baby. So please, Mom, do it for me.

I don't know what else there is to say. I'm not really ready to end this letter, but I feel like I said everything there is to say. I'm sorry, Mom. But at least Dad isn't lonely anymore. And the two of us will take care of all of you.

I love you, Mom. And I'll always be your little boy.

Derek

Dear Meredith,

I hate that I am writing this to you and I hope you never have to read this. Because if you are, that means that I'm not coming home. And that thought kills me, for so many reasons. I love you, Meredith, so much. I had so many plans for us, and now they are all thrown away. I wish things were different, I wish that I could come home to you and hold you in my arms. If I could do that, I'm not sure I would ever let go.

I know I apologized about our fight already, but I need to say it again. I'm so sorry for everything, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the fact that the last time I saw you was in the middle of a stupid fight that was all my fault. I hope that you can forgive me for that night. And I hope that in the future, when you tell our son or daughter about me, your memories won't be tainted by my selfish and naïve actions that one night.

I don't even know how to write this. Mer, for my entire life you have been there for me, and I have never not known what to say to you. Even during those horrible months when I thought we were over, I thought about you constantly and tried to imagine what advice you would have given me if I was brave enough to write to you about my problems. And when I found out about the baby, I knew that there was a reason that I was unable to get you off of my mind. Not only am I still completely in love with you, but I left a part of myself behind with you, the most important gift that anyone can give. This baby is a gift, Mer. It might not seem like it, but this baby is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

It forced me to talk to you again, forced me to get over my own stubbornness and respond to you reaching out to me, no matter how scared you must have been to do that. I love this baby so much for doing that, because even though I'm not going to see you again, I can at least have some sense that we have fixed things as best we could. I know that I love you more than anything in the world. And although I wish we were able to have a lifetime together to experience everything a couple in love should, I know that we have shared a love that some people never know in a hundred years of living. And while this may not be enough, it comforts me. I hope it comforts you too.

I know you are going to be a fantastic mother. It pains me to think that I'm not ever even going to know if I gave you a son or a daughter. I don't know if you've thought about names, but I do have suggestions. Either Andrew or Emma. If you don't like them, you don't have to use them, but I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I think those are good strong names, both of which go well with either Grey or Shepherd. I would love for you to use my last name, but I understand if you don't. Just think about the names.

I wrote a letter for both a son and a daughter, just in case. You can read it to the baby when it's born, or wait until he or she is old enough to start asking questions about their father; I trust you to know when the time is right to tell the baby about me. And I have some things to ask of you when you're raising our child. I know you are going to have a lot of support, from Addison and my mother and sisters. But there are some things that I want to make sure of. If we have a boy, don't be afraid to let him go out and do boy things. After having so many girls, my mom was always terrified to let me go out and climb trees and wrestle with Mark. My dad was always there to assure her that boys just need to get dirty, to take adventures, to test the limits. So make sure our son does all of that. And make sure he learns how to fish. That is very important, Shepherd men learn how to fish practically before they walk. And make sure that when there's an adorable girl living across the street he lets her come over and play on the swing set. If he's anything like me, that one moment will change his entire life. When he's older, make sure he goes to college. It doesn't matter what he wants to do, but it's very important that he has determination to get into college and wants to prove something. I know that he can make a difference in a world that is hopefully better than the one that we attempted to go to college in.

Now, if we have a little girl, I want you to make sure that she knows that she is my little princess. I know I won't be there to tell her that, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't have spoiled her rotten. Especially if she looks like you, there is no way that I would have ever been able to say no to her. So make sure to spoil her sometimes. Even if you don't want to, because I think you'll have a stronger backbone than I would have when it comes to our little girl, just spoil her occasionally. From me. Make sure that she knows that she can do everything that boys can do. I don't think I have to worry about that with your determination to make sure to make sure that women no longer simply stay at home, but I don't think society is going to agree with you on that. So make sure she knows that she can do everything that any boy can do, and she can probably do it better. And eventually, when the day comes a long long time from now, make sure she doesn't bring home any boys like Mark. He'd think it was funny, but no daughter of mine is ever going to go out with anyone like Mark Sloan. I trust you to make sure she's smarter than that.

Whether it's a boy or a girl, make sure they know that I love them. More than anything else that you do to raise them, just let them know that I love this baby more than anything in the world.

As hard as that part of the letter was to write, I think this is going to be even harder. I want you to know how much I love you. It's easy to say, Meredith, and I think there was a time when you would believe me when I told you that. But then I messed things up. And I hope that you don't think that I'm only telling you this because you're having my baby. That is so completely far away from the truth that I can't even put it into words. I am so in love with you, Meredith, and I hate myself for making you think otherwise. We're both stubborn, and when you combine that stubbornness with separation due to a war all the way across the ocean…well, things don't get said. So I'm saying them now. You have been everything that I have ever wanted. I would have loved nothing more than to come home to you and spend the rest of my life with you at my side, watching our baby grow into an amazing person. And making more babies, we would have made a lot more babies.

But I don't want you to focus on what could have been. I want you to focus on what was. And more importantly, what is to come. Always remember that what we had was special, Meredith. Know that I loved you, and would have given everything to spend a lifetime with you. But you can't lament in the past, Mer. You have to have a life. You have such compassion and eagerness to face everything life has to offer, good and bad. I hope you never lose that. Hold onto that, Mer, for me. Don't feel guilty for moving on with your life. Some man is going to be so lucky to have you as his wife, although I can't say that I like the idea. But you deserve to be happy. All I ask is that you make sure he takes care of you the way you deserve to be. And that he will be a good father to my baby.

I love you so much, Meredith. And know that I will always be with you, as cheesy as that sounds. I'll love you forever.

Derek

Dear Andrew,

This is your father. And if you're reading this, it means that I've been gone for a long time now. I'm sorry that I never got the chance to meet you, sorrier than you will ever know. But regardless of the fact that I never even got to see a picture of you, I love you very much. I tried hard to get home so that I could meet you. I did the best I could, but I'm sure you will learn about this war someday and know how dangerous it was for the soldiers to be fighting over here.

I hope you have had an amazing life so far. Your mother is one of the most amazing women in the world, and I have no doubts that she has given you the best life she possibly could. I know she has a tendency to ramble and isn't ever sure if she is doing things right, but she has a lot of compassion, I'm sure she is an extraordinary mother. I hope you got her quiet strength. She has the courage to take on anything that life has thrown at her and I hope that is still evident after all of this time.

I have no idea what the future holds for you, this generation that is growing up in an ever changing world. I don't know how this war will end, or how America will look back on this. But I can offer you some advice based on my own adolescence. Make sure you work hard in school. It might seem boring or pointless, but I promise that you will be grateful for your hard work when it pays off. And it will, the day you get into college. I didn't go to college for long, but it was a very enjoyable experience while I was there. I hope that you will have the chance to spend four long, fulfilling years there.

Now, make sure that you play lots of sports. Any sport that you have the chance to play, do it. I always loved baseball the most, but basketball is fun too. I was never very interested in playing football, but it is a fun game to watch. If you ever have a stressful day, there's nothing like going to the top of a hill and hitting some golf balls off of the top of it.

I know girls are complicated. I don't have much experience in the matter, your mom was the only girl I ever dated. But I can offer some advice on the topic. Make sure that the girls you date have passion, goals in life. As I write this, the role of women is changing in the world, and I don't know where they stand as you read this. But if women are still expected to come second in a man's life, make sure you find a girl who doesn't believe that. They're rare, but it's worth it. And take my advice, once you find a woman who is worth fighting for, who has her own goals and opinions and determination for life, never ever let her go. That's the single most important thing that I can tell you.

I'm sure you are going to make me proud. I'm sure you already have. And I'm so glad that your mom has you, so please don't ever push her away. She needs love, and as strong as she tries to be, she's going to need you to be there for her. So make sure you take care of her just as well as she takes care of you.

I love you, son. Always remember that.

Dad

Dear Emma,

This is your father. I really hope you never have to read this because I hate the thought that I will never get to see you, to hold you. But if you're reading this, that means that we're never going to meet. It means I haven't made it back from the war, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you. I do love you, sweetheart, so much. It pains me so much to think that I'm not even going to see you once, but I can imagine that you're beautiful. With the mother you have, you can't not be beautiful.

I'm sure that she has been an amazing mother, and I'm sure that you are an amazing girl inside and out. But there are some things that I want you to know, some things that I want you to carry with you as you become your own person. I want you to always stay true to who you are. I know it's hard as a female to form your own opinions and be respected for them, but you need to find the strength to figure out what you believe and stand for it. I want you to be strong and successful, and I want you to get as much as possible out of this life. So please make sure that you are always true to the person you become.

You may not know what it's like to grow up with a father, but this letter wouldn't be complete without me giving you some advice about boys. Don't date them. They're bad for you. In all seriousness, though, I know that you deserve the best. So make sure you don't settle. Find a man who will respect you and see you as an equal. You deserve to have that respect and I'm sure that your mother raise you to have those beliefs. Work hard, and make all of your dreams come true. I know that you will make me proud, and I hope that you and your mom have a happy life together. She's an incredible person, and I hope that the two of you will always be happy.

I love you, sweetheart. More than anything in the world.

Dad

Meredith lowered the letter to the floor, her eyes wide with shock as she sank back into the pillows of Carolyn's bed. This was it. Derek had prepared for this, expected it, even. And he had thought about their children enough to write a letter to his son or daughter, making sure that he was able to tell them exactly how he felt about them. He had told her everything in his heart, and now she had no idea how to react to that news.

He was gone. They weren't sure, but there wasn't a body. She was aware enough to know that if there was no body, then the military reporting the officer as either missing or a prisoner of war really meant that he was dead, but they didn't have proof.

Derek was dead.

With that realization, she allowed the letters in her hand to flutter to the floor, buried her head in a pillow, and sobbed.


	23. Chapter 23

**Hi everyone! I am so glad that you are all still enjoying this story, despite its hiatus. I've been working on this story pretty hard, but there are a couple different paths I am thinking of taking. I want your opinions, so let me know what you would like to see: lots of angst that will make this story much longer, a little bit of angst, or a lighter, quick ending to this story. I can assure you that in all three scenarios Meredith and Derek will end up together, but I have a couple different options as to how I can get them there. Let me know what you think :)**

One month. It had been one month since Derek had gone missing, and they hadn't heard a single thing. Those horrible officers had promised that they would let the family know as soon as there was information available about Derek's condition, but they hadn't heard a thing from the government.

Things were slowly returning to normal. Or not normal, but the grief and shock that had accompanied Derek's disappearance had gradually disappeared. Kathleen and Nancy were no longer coming by every day and had resorted to the traditional Sunday night dinners, Elizabeth had thrown herself into cheerleading practice and student council, and Carolyn seemed to never be home, having volunteered her services as a nurse for the injured men coming home. Amelia had resorted to locking herself into her room every night, telling everyone that she was determined to become the first nationally recognized female trauma surgeon. Meredith was pretty sure that there was already at least one female trauma surgeon in the world, but she didn't want to dash the young girl's feelings.

She seemed to be the only one who was still visibly upset by Derek's disappearance. She lived her life in a fog, going to work and returning to the house, trying to get her life together for the sake of her child. But she couldn't help that every time the engagement ring that she had slipped back onto her finger caught the light she imagined Derek, lying abandoned in the deserted fields of Europe, dehydrated and beaten. And her eyes would fill with tears, her body freezing until she managed to imagine her baby inside of her, depending on her for food and shelter. And when he or she made their appearance into the world, they would depend on her to have a job, to give them blankets and food and clothes, everything else that babies needed. So she had to go to work and get money so that she could give her baby everything it needed. She had to move on with her life.

She sighed as she stood from her bed, Derek's bed, dropping her bathrobe to the floor and turning to examine her expanding body in the floor length mirror. Her stomach was definitely getting bigger, especially since she was now past the halfway point in her pregnancy. Her face was slightly more puffy, and she could feel the baby moving inside of her stomach. She could imagine what Derek would say if he was able to see her, and she felt tears stinging the back of her eyes.

He would love feeling the baby move. He would always have a hand on her stomach, and he would always talk to the baby, telling him or her how much he loved them. He would tell her how beautiful she was, how excited he was to have the baby come into the world and find out whether it was a boy or a girl. He would be so happy, and she would be happy to. They would be together.

But he wasn't here, and she had to try to move on. He had asked her to, and while she wasn't sure that she would ever date anyone else, she also knew that her baby needed her to be strong and confident in who she was. So she had to keep going and she couldn't just curl up in a ball and cry like she wanted to.

With a deep breath, she reached for her clothes and got dressed quickly, making her way down the stairs and outside to her car, carefully maneuvering her way to the music lounge where she was still serving drinks. She actually really liked the job, she got to meet some interesting people and there was always good music being played. The manager, a woman whose husband was a general for the Army in Italy and was running the business while he was away, completely understood Meredith's situation and had granted her as much time off as she wished after The News. Meredith had taken a good week off before she had decided to take Derek's advice and start moving on with her life. And now she was working almost every day, her bank account enjoying the change in lifestyle but her back and feet protesting it. She was tired, but she knew she had to keep going.

She parked the car outside the lounge and made her way into the empty building, dropping her purse and coat behind the counter before she turned to start setting up the bar.

"Well, no one told me that there would be a beautiful woman here to do my job for me," a voice came from behind her, causing her to jump and drop the water glass in her hand. The shatter echoed through the room loudly. Meredith stared down at the mess for a moment before she turned to look at a tall, handsome man in front of her. She swallowed hard as a wave of heat washed over her body, a heat that made her skin feel tight and quickly disappeared as soon as Derek's face flashed through her mind.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"Keith," he answered, holding a hand out to her. "And you are?"

"What are you doing here?" she asked, ignoring his question.

"I work here," he replied.

"You don't work here," she replied. "I've worked here for three months, I know everyone."

"Theresa hired me," he said. "She said you need more help at the bar, things are picking up."

Meredith regarded him for a moment before she shook her head. "Fine," she said. She turned from him, the glass she had broken crunching under her weight as she did so. She turned to reach for a broom and easily swept the broken glass into the dustpan. The difficulty came when she tried to bend over to pick the dustpan up. Her back screamed in protest as she tried to do so, and her stomach prevented her from bending over easily as she used to be able to do.

"Here," suddenly Keith was beside her, easily crouching down to sweep the last of the glass into the dustpan and picking it up easily, depositing the shards into the nearby trash can. Meredith stared at him for a moment before she turned and moved back around the bar.

"You don't like me very much," Keith observed, leaning across the bar as she started to wash the tables.

"What makes you think that?"

"For starters you won't tell me your name," Keith observed. "And you refuse to look me in the eyes."

"You don't need to know my name," she shrugged. "And…I don't know what you're talking about."

"Okay," Keith nodded. "Then look at me."

Meredith froze in her spot, staring straight ahead of her for a moment before she shook her head. "I don't have to prove anything to you," she said.

Before Keith could say anything, Meredith's boss came out of the back room with a smile on her face. "I see you two have met," she said with a smile.

"Theresa, do we really need more help?" Meredith frowned, still refusing to meet Keith's examining eye.

"Meredith, why don't you let me be the boss and you just do your job?" Theresa suggested softly. "I know you're going through some hard stuff right now. And it's fine if you want to take some time to yourself because I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. But we still need people here at the club to help out when you're not here."

Meredith sighed as she nodded carefully, resting a hand on her stomach as she returned back to washing the tables, preparing for a very long night.

It was indeed what seemed to be a longer shift than usual. There didn't seem to be a break in tables coming in, the music was horrible, and she could feel Keith's eyes on her all night long. It wasn't until the last customer was out the door, her last table washed, and the floor swept clean that she was able to collapse on a stool at the bar, resting her elbows on the bar and burying her head in her hands. The baby was moving like crazy inside of her, and she didn't want to move. She was exhausted.

"Here," she looked up to see Keith standing in front of her on the other side of the bar, a bright red drink sitting in front of her.

"Thanks," she said softly. "But I…I can't drink."

"I noticed," Keith offered her a friendly smile as his eyes flickered down to her stomach. "It's a Shirley Temple. No alcohol. It looks like you could use it."

"Thanks," Meredith smiled as she reached for the drink, savoring the cool taste of the cherry flavored ginger ale going down her throat.

"You're welcome," Keith smiled. "Meredith."

She couldn't help the smile that took over her face at the way he said her name. "I guess I couldn't really keep that much a secret," she said.

"Obviously not," he said, leaning over the bar and looking at her. "Are you okay?"

"Just tired," she shrugged.

"You seem sad," Keith commented.

Meredith swallowed hard as she reached down to play with the straw in her drink. "I guess I am," she said softly.

"You want to talk about it?" he offered. "Completely impartial party, no opinions on the matter if you don't want me to have any."

She looked up to meet his eyes, her green eyes meeting dark brown in a mix of confusion and vulnerability. He wasn't looking to pry, he was genuinely curious about her life. And it did sound appealing to talk to someone who had no idea who Derek Shepherd was, who had no idea about her life or her past.

"His name," she whispered, "is…was…Derek Shepherd."

"The war?" Keith asked softly.

"They can't find him," Meredith said, reaching down to rub a hand over her stomach, where the only remainder of Derek remained in her life. His baby met her hand with a friendly kick. "I'm living with his mom and sisters, and about a month ago they came and told us that his plane had crashed, and they didn't know where he was."

Keith nodded slowly. She knew he was thinking it, but didn't want to say it for fear of upsetting her.

"And when they can't find a soldier," Meredith spoke the words. "It probably means they're dead." Keith was silent, watching her as he waited for her to continue, so she did. "He was my best friend. We grew up across the street from each other, and we did everything together. It wasn't until we were sixteen that he kissed me for the first time, on his swing set where we used to play. That was the moment my whole life changed. We were even more inseparable after that. I remember this one week where my parents refused to let me see him, so we used Morse code with flashlights outside our windows to say I love you at night. We really loved each other, and we had our whole future laid out for us. He was going to be a doctor. He had the scholarship to Bowdoin and everything. But then a year and a half ago, his father died. He couldn't afford college then, so he joined the Army. That was before we were in the war, and he wouldn't have had to go. But then…Pearl Harbor."

She heard Keith's sharp intake of breath, and looked up to meet his eyes. "His best friend was on the Arizona," she said. "One of the thousand men still trapped in the ship. I freaked out, tried to get Derek to get out of it, but…he wouldn't. So he went to basic training. And I went to visit him, which is where this happened," she gestured to her swollen stomach.

"And now he's gone."

"We didn't talk for months after that," Meredith whispered. "We had a fight and I left…and then I found out about the baby. I wrote to him and we starting talking again. He promised me we would work things out, that he would come home to take care of the baby and I. But he didn't. Instead he wrote to me, in a letter they gave us when they gave us The News. He wrote a letter just in case something happened to him, telling me to move on. To make myself happy, with a man who would take good care of me and the baby. But I can't do it. Every time I think of being with someone besides Derek…I just get sick to my stomach."

"It's only been a month," Keith offered. "Why do you feel so guilty?"

"Because," Meredith whispered, meeting his eyes with her tear filled ones. "That was the one thing he asked me to do. And I can't do it."

"Hey," Keith frowned, reaching across the bar to brush his thumb across her face, wiping her tears away. "I don't think he wanted you to feel pressured to find someone else. He just didn't want you to feel guilty if you did find someone."

"I guess," Meredith whispered. "But…I don't know if I can raise this baby without a father."

"You can," Keith offered. "Because you don't have a choice."

Meredith swallowed hard as she nodded. "Thanks," she whispered. "I think."

The bar was completely silent for a moment before she asked, "Can I ask you a really rude question?"

Keith laughed, a sound she found strangely encouraging. "Of course," he said. "But I can't promise I'll answer."

"How come you're not fighting?"

Keith nodded slowly, as if he had been expecting the question. "The military isn't too fond of these," he pulled a pair of glasses out of his breast pocket. "Can't read a word without them."

"Oh," Meredith nodded. "Right."

"My sister died at Pearl Harbor," he said softly. "She was a nurse with the Navy, stationed at the hospital. She was on her way to church, when she was hit. They shipped the body home to us, but I think it only made things worse. When they came to the door to tell us, I didn't think I would ever see my mother more upset than that. But when we saw her body, her face so peaceful, her hair framing her face perfectly…well, I don't think that's something any parent should have to see. My mother hasn't been the same since."

"Oh," Meredith breathed softly. He was hurting too. He had lost someone in the war too.

"I want to be there," Keith said softly. "It's incredible…one stupid little genetic flaw caused me to have poor eyesight. And now everyone I see on the street thinks I'm a coward because I'm not over there fighting for an end for the war."

Meredith swallowed hard. She couldn't deny that that she hadn't thought that when she had first met him. But it wasn't fair.

Later, she could only remember what was about to happen in snapshots; there was no clear memory of what happened. But she could remember the pain in Keith's deep brown eyes, she could remember feeling her heart constrict with loneliness. She could remember leaning across the bar, and she could remember the feeling of her lips pressing against his.

And then it was clear. Suddenly, he was kissing her back, and Derek wasn't dead anymore. Suddenly, Derek was right there with her, kissing her back and opening his mouth against hers, causing her tongue to meet his with eager intensity. She moaned as she balanced herself on the bar with one hand, wrapping another hand around to cup his neck, holding his face to hers.

She wasn't sure how long the kiss lasted. But when her baby kicked sharply against her ribs brought her back to the present, and it only took half a second to remember that she wasn't kissing Derek. The lips against hers didn't kiss her the way Derek's did; it was rougher, filled with need. The hair underneath her fingers wasn't the dark curls she loved, but straight, sleek blond locks. It only took her half a second to remember that she wasn't with Derek, and another half a second to pull away from him.

"Meredith," he whispered, seeing the fear and guilt reflecting in her eyes. "Don't."

"I…I have to go," she whispered, maintaining eye contact with him as she backed away, towards the door. And when she was fully out of his eyesight, she turned to lean against the brick wall of the building, breathing heavily. It hadn't been Derek. For the first time in her life, she had kissed someone besides Derek Shepherd.

And she couldn't erase the thought of how much she had enjoyed it.


	24. Chapter 24

**Hi everyone! I am so glad that people are enjoying this story. I take each review into careful consideration when mapping out the future of my stories, and I always appreciate hearing what you guys think. These stories are for you, after all. I have decided to scrap the somewhat fluffy ending I had planned for this story and add just a little bit more angst, which means there is still a little bit more to go with this.**

**Before reading this chapter, however, I just want to let you all know about my thought process when bringing Keith into the story. A lot of you have said how much you hate the fact that Meredith kissed him so soon after Derek was reported as missing and presumed for dead, and some people pointed out that Meredith wouldn't have done that in the finale if Derek had died. These are two very different plots, and the first thing to recognize is that this is a very different time in America. For women, the forties were definitely the beginning of a new era and gaining more independence, but women were still expected to get married and have kids. No matter how much Meredith would want to have her own life, and how much Derek would support that, it was simply what society demanded. Secondly, Meredith and Derek were broken up. Although they have been communicating through letters and it is clear they still love one another, Derek hurt her. She's very confused for what she feels because she doesn't want to be second to anything else in his life. She's not sure what could happen if he ever comes home; for all she knows he is a completely different man, and she is now a different woman. Meredith is still Meredith, and she would be scared that the two of them wouldn't work as a couple.**

**Most of all, she's lonely. She's hormonal in the middle of her pregnancy, and she hasn't had any attention from any man in months. She didn't kiss him intentionally, it just happened. And while she thinks she enjoyed it, it could just as easily have been a way for her to just feel attractive again. There's a lot to conceptualize here, and I completely understand how you, as readers, are thinking it's not right for Meredith to be doing this. I just want to make my thought process about this clear, so that maybe everyone will be a bit more supportive, or at least understanding as to why I took the story in this direction. I hope you all continue reading, and letting me know what you think. I take all reviews into consideration! And as I have already promised, this story will have a very happy ending for all Meredith and Derek fans.  
**

**PS. I know that you are all wondering what might be going on with Derek right now, but I am trying to focus on the story from Meredith's point of view right now; she thinks he's gone for good. I'll start from his point of view in the next couple chapters :)  
**

Meredith hated being pregnant.

Not only was it a complete strain on her body and emotions, but it made her make stupid decisions. Like kissing random bartenders that she had never met before. And quitting her job because all she had been able to think about was kissing him again. Because she thought that if she didn't see him, then she wouldn't think about him. But still, she couldn't keep her mind from going between Derek and Keith, a memory and a reality, and wondering which one she should live her life for.

She was now two month away from having the baby. Carolyn hadn't asked any questions about why she was no longer working and had instead simply taken to caring for her. She was now seated across the living room from Meredith, knitting a blanket for the baby, in hopes that it would be done in time to bring him or her home from the hospital.

"Carolyn?" Meredith said softly, pushing the crust of her sandwich around her plate.

"Yes sweetheart?"

"You miss Michael a lot, don't you?"

Carolyn froze, her needles held in place for a long moment before she lowered them, meeting Meredith's eyes evenly. "I do," she said softly. "Every day."

Meredith nodded. "Me too," she said. "With Derek, I mean."

"I understand, dear."

Meredith was silent for a moment, trying to figure out how to talk to Derek's mother about the topic that had been plaguing her mind for weeks now. "Do you ever get lonely?" she finally asked.

"I have my children," Carolyn smiled.

"I mean…like do you ever miss being in love?"

"Yes," Carolyn nodded.

"So how come you haven't been dating?"

"Meredith," Carolyn said carefully, leaning forward to look into the young girl's eyes. "What is this about?"

"I kissed a guy," Meredith whispered. "Two weeks ago. At the lounge. That's why I quit. But I can't stop thinking about him. It's not fair, I know it's not fair to Derek. But I'm so confused. Because I think I still love Derek. He was the first person I ever loved. And I never thought that I would be able to feel what I felt for him for anyone else. But now I'm just…I want to get to know him. I want to get to know him and I think…I don't know. I don't know what I think."

"Oh sweetheart," Carolyn sighed. She moved to sit beside her on the couch, taking her into her motherly embrace and rocking her gently back and forth. "It's okay. Let it out. Let it all out."

"I'm so confused," Meredith sobbed, resting her head against Carolyn's shoulder. "Keith was so good to me. He understands me, and he doesn't think that I'm some kind of stupid whore like the rest of this town does. I think I like him. But I don't know what to do about it, because I think still love Derek, and I miss him all the time."

"Oh, Meredith," Carolyn sighed, reaching out to brush some hair back from her forehead. "It's okay to move on."

"Derek told me that," she whispered, her sobs finally calming. "But I just…I feel so guilty."

"You have to follow your heart," Carolyn said. "Derek…he's a memory. A good memory, one that you will always treasure because he is your first love, as well as the father of your baby. But you're nineteen, Meredith. You have your entire life ahead of you, and it's okay to fall in love again, if you want to."

"You've been so wonderful to me," Meredith whispered. "I don't want you to hate me, think that I've abandoned Derek's memory."

"I would never think that," Carolyn promised. "You have always been part of this family, Meredith. And you always will be. No matter what happens, even if you move on with someone else."

"I'm not ready to move on," Meredith sighed, wiping her eyes as she moved away from Carolyn's embrace. "I'm just so lonely. I know that I have you and the girls and Addison, but…"

"It's a different kind of loneliness," Carolyn supplied.

"Yeah," Meredith whispered. It comforted her to think that someone else understood how confused she was.

"I can't tell you what to do, Meredith."

"But you're not dating. Your husband died, and you decided not to date."

"I'm an old woman," Carolyn said, reaching to smooth Meredith's hair out of her face. "There is hardly any reason for me to find anyone else to move on with."

"You're not old," Meredith protested. "And you deserve someone to be with you."

"My point," Carolyn said with a soft smile. "Is that my life is already built. Michael and I built this house, raised our children, had a real life together. As much as it pains me to say, you and Derek never had that opportunity. You're only nineteen, and you have an entire lifetime to live. You still have a life to build, and you would be much happier if you could find someone to spend it with."

"So what should I do?" Meredith whispered.

"Follow your heart."

"It's not that easy," Meredith said. "I can't…Derek and I were broken up. We were broken up and I don't know what would have happened. Even if he had come home…I might have had to move on anyways."

Carolyn was silent for a long moment before she reached for Meredith's hand. "Ideally, I would like to think that you and Derek could have worked things out," she said. "Nothing would please me more for him to defeat the odds and have him walk through the front door right now, so that the two of you could work things out before the baby comes. But this is not an ideal world. If Michael's death didn't prove that, then this horrible war does."

"So you're saying I should move on?" Meredith asked.

"You're obviously feeling something for this boy you met," Carolyn said softly. "Perhaps you should spend some time with him, decide if you really do like him or if it's just your loneliness reaching out to someone who was kind to you."

Meredith nodded slowly. "I should go back to work," she said softly.

"It will help when the baby comes," Carolyn agreed. "As much as I love you, sweetheart, this baby is your responsibility."

"I know," Meredith nodded, pushing herself off of the couch and moving towards the hallway where the phone sat on the stairs beside the door. "Thank you for telling me the truth," she said as she turned back to look at Carolyn.

"It's my job," Carolyn offered her a supportive smile before she turned back to her knitting.

Meredith wasn't sure why she suddenly felt better, but as she made her way towards the phone to return to her job, she suddenly felt as if she was starting the next part of her life, like something was really about to change.

XXXXX

The next evening, she still had the feeling that her life was about to change. She was no longer so certain that that feeling was a positive one.

She had been sitting outside for almost half an hour now. Her car was parked outside of the music lounge, her fingers clutching at the frozen steering wheel as she stared at the door in front of her. The baby was still, probably sleeping, and the only thing she could think about was her future.

There were several scenarios running through her head. The first scenario consisted of her looking out her windshield to see Derek walking quickly towards her, offering the smile that had always been able to make her weak in the knees. He would pull the car door open, sweep her into his arms, and tell her how much he loved her. He would kiss her and then stroke her belly, and the two of them would get married and live happily ever after with their baby.

The second, darker scenario also consisted of Derek coming home. But in this future, he was different, changed by the war. He was the man from the night of their fight, a military man who had to prove himself to everyone around him. He was pained by the horrors he had seen during war, not the Derek she had spent so many years knowing and loving. He would still be a jerk to her, treating her like she was helpless because she was a woman. He would be apathetic about the baby, and she wouldn't be sure that she would want to leave her child alone with the shell of the man who had once had so much passion and zest for life, who had once loved her.

Another scenario consisted of her and her baby, as well as some nameless, faceless man. He was a kind man, who had easily accepted her past and the fact that she was an unwed mother with another man's baby. She didn't feel for him the way she had once felt for Derek, but she was content. The mystery man in her future loved her and provided her and the baby with a good life. He was a good father, and her baby loved him, the only father that he or she would ever know. She wasn't necessarily as happy as her first scenario, but she was content. And that was better than being alone.

The last vision was the most depressing one. Of all the ways she was picturing her future, this was the one she wanted to come true the least, but at the same time it was the one she thought would be the most likely to come true. She would wait for Derek to come home, spend her entire life waiting for a future that would never happen. She would give birth to her baby, which she was pretty sure she was a son, who would look exactly like Derek. She would dedicate her entire life to raising the baby, and when he became a teenager and got his own life, moved out to start his own family, she would be completely alone, with only the few years of her teenage years to comfort her.

She shivered as she thought about it. That definitely couldn't happen. She didn't want to be some lonely, washed up widow who wasn't even really a widow. She didn't want to be alone. And the chances of Derek coming home, happy or destroyed, were very slim. Which left only one option.

She had to move on. And moving on didn't necessarily consist of marrying the first man who was nice to her. But it meant that she had to have friends, a job, something more than her baby. And it meant that if she ever wanted to be with anyone else, she had to get out of the car, go inside, and figure out what she really felt for Keith.

With one deep breath, she pulled herself out of the car and walked hesitantly into the quiet lounge. She swallowed hard as she stopped in the middle of the room, surrounded completely by empty tables and trying not to think about how this somehow felt reminiscent of how empty her own life was.

"Well, we haven't seen the likes of you around here for awhile."

Meredith froze as she heard Keith's voice behind her. She remained still for a long moment before she turned to look at him. "I've been…busy," she said softly.

Keith nodded slowly as he stepped towards her. "I hope you didn't leave because of what happened," he said.

"I…I'm sorry," Meredith whispered. "I don't know what came over me, I don't usually kiss random people."

"It's okay," Keith said. "I liked it."

"Me too," Meredith whispered. "But I'm…in a weird place right now, and I…"

"Hey, it's okay," Keith said, and she finally allowed herself to meet his gaze. "I understand, you're going through a lot right now. I'm not about to put more pressure on you."

She stared at him for a moment before she smiled. "Thank you," she whispered. "I appreciate that."

"So we can just pretend it never happened," Keith said. "Works for me."

"Me too," she said, relief filling her body. "But we can be friends. If you want."

"Friends would be good," Keith nodded.

"Friends hang out after work, right?" she asked.

"Definitely," Keith nodded, holding a hand out to her. "We'll talk then. Friend."

Meredith giggled slightly as she shook his hand firmly. "Good," she replied. "Friend."

XXXXX

"What a night," Keith shook his head as he twisted the top of a bottle of whiskey closed. "I don't think I've ever been so busy behind the bar."

"A new set of troops went out today," Meredith murmured. "Families and friends probably want to forget about the world for a little bit."

"And alcohol is the perfect cure for that."

"I wish I could do that," Meredith sight, running a rag over the bar.

"Well, you can't have alcohol," Keith agreed. "What's your other weakness?"

Meredith looked at him closely for a moment. "Strawberry ice cream."

"I'll make sure to keep some around," Keith promised.

"You don't have to," she shook her head, but she did feel strangely comforted to have someone taking care of her.

"I want to," Keith replied. "It's what friends do."

"Thank you," she whispered. "I appreciate it."

"I can imagine it's pretty hard to go out and about sometimes," Keith said. "But I think you're very brave for ignoring the way everyone looks at you."

"Thanks," Meredith said softly. "It's…being the unwed, pregnant girl who was disowned by her parents can get kind of hard."

"Well, I'm sure you have other friends," Keith shrugged. "But…I'm here. If you ever need to talk or anything."

"You're easy to talk to," Meredith admitted.

"I'm glad," he smiled. "And my older brother has a six month old boy. His wife's been living with me since he was sent to Japan, so if you need any advice on taking care of a baby…I've done plenty of midnight feedings and diaper changes."

"That's really kind," Meredith commented. "Is it hard?"

"A little," Keith nodded. "But it's probably harder when it's your own kid. If I can't calm him down, I just give him back to Laura and let her take care of it."

"Well, I'm glad to know what a good help you'll be," Meredith giggled.

Keith laughed. "Maybe I'll be better with your kid," he said.

Meredith swallowed hard as she looked at him, wondering if he was right. "Maybe," she whispered, more to herself than to him. And suddenly, imagining a future wasn't so hard.


	25. Chapter 25

"I just don't know what to do," Meredith sobbed.

"We'll figure it out, Mer," Liz assured her, holding a small, white instruction manual in one hand and a screwdriver in the other.

"The directions don't make any sense!" Meredith cried, tossing a railing of the crib to the side and reaching for her bedpost, trying to pull herself off of the floor.

"I'm figuring it out!" Liz snapped. "Just stop crying and we'll figure it out."

"Stop crying?" Meredith cried. "My baby is going to be here in less than two months. And I can't even build a crib so he'll have nowhere to sleep. I'm a horrible mother, and my baby isn't even here yet."

Liz, just as frustrated as Meredith, didn't have a chance to answer as Carolyn pushed the door to Meredith's door open to reveal the two girls sitting in the middle of the floor, surrounded by tools, several pieces of white wood, a variety of soft bedding, and various amounts of nuts and bolts that likely had their own specific names she was unable to name.

"What in the world is going on?" she asked. "I can hear you two yelling at each other from the kitchen."

"Sorry, Mom," Liz sighed. "We're trying to put together this stupid crib and Meredith is going to have a panic attack any moment. She's completely over reacting."

"I am not!" Meredith defended herself. "I can't even build a crib for my baby to sleep in. I'm a horrible mother, and that is not over reacting."

"Well maybe if you would stop crying and help, the crib would have been built already."

"Maybe if you weren't being so mean I wouldn't be crying all the time."

"Girls," Carolyn interrupted, trying to fight the smile from her face. She had calmed more fights between sisters than she could ever have counted, but this one was different. Meredith had been living with them for quite some time, but now that she had gotten into a fight with one of her daughters Meredith was officially a Shepherd. "Calm down."

"Calm down?" Meredith repeated. "I don't think you understand. This crib is impossible to put together, and I can't afford to get a new one. This is a disaster."

"Meredith, I used this crib for all five of my children," Carolyn said softly. "If there's anyone in the world who knows how hard it is to put together, it's me."

This seemed to comfort Meredith slightly, and her sobs gradually diminished to hiccups. "How did you get it set up?" she whispered.

"I left it with Michael," Carolyn said honestly, and her statement was followed by an ominous silence as all three women processed her words at the same time. Meredith obviously couldn't leave the father of her baby alone to assemble the crib easily.

The silence was broken when Meredith began to sob again. "My baby is doomed!" she sobbed, burying her face in her hands.

"Oh my gosh," Liz said, tossing the screwdriver and instruction manual into the mess on the floor. "I can't handle this. I'll be at the diner."

"Stop right there, Elizabeth Shepherd," Carolyn said from Meredith's side where she was comforting the sobbing girl.

"What?" Liz frowned.

"We need to find someone who knows how to do this," Carolyn said. "Do you think you can call Kathleen and ask if Alex can come over to help?"

"He had to go to Boston for a trial," Liz replied. "I can see if Kyle's home."

"That would be wonderful," Carolyn said before she turned back to Meredith. "It's alright, sweetheart. Dry those tears right up, I promise that we will have everything we need for this baby when he or she gets here."

"There's so much," Meredith whimpered. "And I don't know…" she paused to hiccup. "I don't know how to be a mother."

"No woman does before her first baby comes," Carolyn assured her. "Instinct kicks in as soon as you give birth."

"I don't know if it will," Meredith whispered. "Maybe bad mothers don't have any instincts. That's why I can't do anything for the baby."

"Don't even suggest that," Carolyn said. "Meredith, you have already done so much to prove that you love this baby more than anything in the world."

"Like what?" Meredith sniffled.

"Well, for starters you refused to even consider adoption, even when your parents didn't give you any other option," Carolyn said. "And you told Derek after months of not speaking to him, just to give the baby a chance to have a father. You have been working so hard to make sure that you are able to afford everything a baby needs. You are eating vegetables and drinking milk, even though I know you hate both foods."

"That's true," Meredith whispered. "I do love him. I love him so much, I just don't know how to take care of him."

"Neither did I," Carolyn shook her head. "When Kathleen was born, I was a mess for weeks. I didn't speak to Michael for three days because he refused to understand why I was so upset that I couldn't put the crib together."

Meredith giggled slightly. "I bet that just made him work even harder," she said.

"It did," Carolyn said, happiness shining in her eyes at the memory of a time in her life that had surely been much simpler than it was now. "But don't you worry. We'll get Kyle over here, and then you and Nancy can exchange pregnancy stories while he sets up the crib."

"Um…I wouldn't be so sure of that," Liz said cautiously from the front door. "Nancy says he's stuck in surgery, there's overflow at the hospital and they need him to stay as long as possible."

Meredith's face began to crumple again, but Liz stepped in quickly before the hysterical sobs could begin again. "What about Kevin?" she asked.

"Who's Kevin?" Meredith frowned.

A confused expression came across Liz's face. "Your…friend," she said. "From work."

"Keith," Meredith whispered, her face suddenly brightening. "He said…he can do it. He has to be able to do it."

Carolyn's face revealed no emotion at the mention of Keith's name, but Liz's face was a mix of annoyance and confusion.

"Is that okay?" Meredith asked. "I mean, I know that you haven't met him yet and your loyalties or whatever are with Derek, but…Keith and I aren't anything more than friends. And he can help."

"Of course it's alright, dear," Carolyn nodded. "Go give him a call."

"Thanks," Meredith smiled, pushing herself to her feet and making her way downstairs to the phone. She reached into her pocket book for the phone number he had given her in case she needed anything and dialed the number quickly, holding the phone up to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Keith, it's Meredith," she said, a sudden wave of nervousness washing over her. Talking to him after work at the bar was one thing, but this was different. She was about to invite him to Derek's house, to help her prepare for the birth of Derek's baby. He was about to meet Derek's family.

"Meredith," he said warmly. "How are you feeling? We missed you last night." She had spent the night before throwing up everything she had eaten for dinner. Apparently Baby was taking after his daddy in that he didn't like meatloaf.

"I'm better," she said. "Thanks. But I have a really huge favor to ask, if you're not too busy."

"Of course not," Keith said. "What's up?"

"I need help putting the crib together," Meredith said. "I know it's early, but the doctor said that he thinks the baby isn't going to make it to full term. I've got six weeks until my due date, but I want to have everything ready just in case. We tried to do it, but…none of us know anything about screws and hammers and…other hardware stuff."

Keith laughed softly. "Absolutely," he said. "Do you want me to come over now?"

"If you have time," Meredith said.

"I'll be right over."

"Great," Meredith couldn't help the smile. She quickly informed him of the address and hung up the phone, standing beside the stairs for a moment before reality sunk in.

She had just invited Keith into a huge part of her life, a part that was very much surrounded by Derek. His family may have started to move on, thinking of their beloved son and brother as a memory more than a reality, but he was still present everywhere in this house. His fishing pole hung beside Michael's in the mud room, his varsity jacket was hanging on the coat rack beside the door. The mantel boasted his high school senior portrait, right in between hers and Nancy's. There were photographs throughout the entire house, and Derek was in a majority of them.

And she was going to have to bring Keith into Derek's bedroom. The room where she had spent so many nights wrapped in his arms, so many nights crying herself to sleep as she thought that Derek didn't love her anymore, then realized that he was never coming home. She had changed nothing in that room, save for pushing the dresser to the other side of the room so that she could put the crib beside the bed. But Derek's clothes were still hanging in the closet, the pictures he had kept on the walls and on the dresser were still right where he had left them. The room was crowded and promised to be even more cramped when the crib was set up. But she wasn't sure exactly what it would be like to have Keith here, in the house that still felt like Derek was here.

She didn't have much time to process the predicament, since the doorbell rang after only fifteen minutes of her fretting about what could potentially happen. She made her way towards the door, her hand rubbing her stomach as it tightened slightly. The baby had been still all morning, and every once in awhile she could feel the muscles tightening, in what her doctor told her was preparation for labor. Even if it was normal, though, she still didn't like that she couldn't feel the baby moving inside of her. She'd become accustomed to the gentle movements of her child rolling around inside of her, and she wished that she could feel something. A kick, a punch, a hiccup. Anything would do at this point.

"Hi," she smiled as she saw Keith standing in front of the door. "Thanks for coming over."

"No problem," he smiled. "So this is where you live."

"This is it," Meredith nodded awkwardly as she stepped aside to let him into the foyer. "Carolyn's been so amazing with letting me stay with her. Someday I'll move out, but for now…I need the support. And they need me too. Me and the baby."

"I can understand that," Keith nodded. "That's why I've got my nephew and sister and law with me. It keeps me from missing my brother too much."

Meredith nodded slowly. She and Keith weren't that different, really. They had both lost people they loved during the war. They were both surrounding themselves with as many reminders of those people as possible. And they were both curing their loneliness by spending time together.

"So where's this crib that's causing all the problems?" Keith asked.

"Oh, it's up in my room," Meredith nodded, moving towards the stairs and gesturing to follow her. She ignored all of the pictures hanging on the wall, telling herself that Derek's eyes were not following her as she moved around his house with another man. Pictures couldn't judge her.

She paused in the middle of the stairs as her stomach cramped again, and she bent over slightly as she gripped the hand rail.

"You okay?" Keith asked in concern, and she felt his hand come to rest on her shoulder.

"Fine," she nodded. "Just practice contractions."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, it's gone now," Meredith nodded before she led him the rest of the way up to his bedroom.

"So this is your room," Keith nodded. "Not what I would have expected."

"Why not?" Meredith frowned, moving to sit on the bed and then thinking better of herself. She chose to sit at the less comfortable, but safer position of the desk chair.

"It's very…male," Keith replied, taking in the light blue color of the walls, the navy blue carpet, and the dark green bedspread.

"It's Derek's room," Meredith whispered. "I couldn't change anything."

"Got it," Keith nodded, taking a seat on the floor.

"If you can figure that out, I will name this baby after you."

Keith laughed, already using the screwdriver to attach two pieces to one another. "Thanks, that's flattering," he said. "But I think Derek would probably prefer that you stick with Andrew."

Meredith swallowed hard as she nodded. Derek had chosen perfect names for their baby, and she wished she knew what his thought process was behind choosing those names. "Yeah, he probably would," she nodded.

"Don't worry, Mer," Keith offered her a smile. "I'll get this thing built by dinner."

"Good," Meredith said, starting to feel more calm as she realized that Keith worked through the mess she and Liz had made with the various parts of the crib.

True to his word, the crib was finished well before dinner. After watching him move it easily into the corner of the room she had cleared for it, she moved to place the bed linens, pillows, and stuffed animals into the crib. She stepped back to look at it for a moment, knowing that something was missing. She thought for a moment, trying to remember if she had bought anything else for the crib.

Suddenly, she realized exactly what was missing and ignored Keith's eyes on her as she turned to reach for a picture that sat beside her bed. With quiet determination, she slipped the frame open, took the picture out, and reached in to tape the small, already yellowing, piece of paper to the front of the crib. Now it was complete.

"Is that Derek?" Keith asked softly.

Meredith nodded silently as she took in the only picture she had of Derek in his military uniform. He was offering the camera a brave smile, his hair perfectly styled under his white Army issued hat. He looked proud and strong and brave; all the things she wanted their child to know about him. "I want the baby to know him," she whispered. "Just in case…"

Keith was silent, but she knew he understood what she was saying. The baby needed to know Derek's face, in case the very slim possibility of him making it home alive actually came true. This was the same reason that she couldn't let herself fully invest in a relationship with Keith. As attracted to him as she might be, she couldn't let Derek come home to find her with another man. So she couldn't let him be more than a friend. A friend who was taking care of her and her baby very well.

She gasped as she felt a sudden stab of pain shoot through her stomach, causing her to reach for the edge of the crib and double over in pain.

"Meredith?" Keith frowned, immediately at her side. "Are you okay?"

"No," she whispered, reaching for his hand and squeezing it hard. "It hurts."

"Do you want to go to the hospital? Do you think the baby is coming?"

Meredith didn't answer, instead gasping loudly as she felt a sudden pressure move out of her. And then her shoes were wet.

"What's wrong?" Keith frowned. "What was that?"

She looked up at him with wide, terrified eyes. "I think my water just broke."


	26. Chapter 26

Meredith had just endured the longest two days of her life. She knew most pregnant women feared labor for the majority of their pregnancies, but she had been so distracted with the turmoil that was her life, that she had barely given labor a thought before her water had broken. She'd known that she would have to do it, but she hadn't been prepared for how exhaustingly painful it would be.

Carolyn had been at her side the whole time, squeezing her hand as contraction after contraction had passed over her. She had decided after about twenty hours of labor that Derek's child was just like him; stubborn. And part of her, in her exhausted, pained, and terrified state of mind, had pretended that Derek was in the waiting room. He would have wanted to be there so badly, and if she closed her eyes tightly enough, she could see him. His sisters would be sitting patiently in the chairs, ignoring him as he paced the room. He would have tried to sit when they told him to, but he would have been back to pacing after less than a minute. And when he was finally allowed in to see her and the baby, his hair would have been a mess as a result of the thousands of times that he had run his hands through it during the labor process.

But now Meredith was cleaned up and in a recovery room, her tiny son cradled in her arms. They were alone in the room, and she was finally able to study the tiny baby in detail, not like the first time she had seen him when she had still been giving birth and the nurse had laid him on her stomach for a brief moment before taking to clean him up. He had been screaming and covered in bodily fluids, and then they had taken him away while she had been cleaned up and moved to a different room. Then she had passed out, more exhausted than she had ever been in her life. She had woken about half an hour ago when a nurse had come in to check on her, and she had immediately demanded to see her son.

"Hi sweetheart," Meredith whispered as she trailed her finger down her son's pink cheek. "I'm your mommy. And I'm so happy to finally meet you. I know you've had a big day, I have too. But I like to think it was all worth it. Because now you're here, and we're together. I won't have to be alone ever again, and neither will you. I'm going to love you so much, and you're never going to know what it's like to feel unwanted, like I was when I was growing up."

She fell silent for a moment as tears sprang into her eyes. She blinked them back quickly, not wanting anything to inhibit the sight of her son, wrapped tightly in her arms. It was silly, she knew she was going to be able to look at him for the rest of her life. She would see him every day, watch him grow and change. She shouldn't be so upset that her tears were inhibiting her view of him. But he was new, and she didn't want to do anything besides look at him.

"Andrew," she whispered, testing his name. He sighed slightly in his sleep, his hand seeking her finger and he held on tightly. "Andrew Derek Shepherd. Welcome to the world."

She blinked back a fresh batch of tears as she realized just how much of Derek she could see in him. "You look so much like your father," she whispered, sliding the tiny blue cap off of his head and running a hand over the thick black hair that had been the first thing she had seen on him. "That's the Shepherd hair," she murmured, smiling slightly when Andrew stirred slightly, stretching his little body as far as it would go before his eyes opened widely. Derek's bright blue eyes sparkled back at her, and this time she couldn't stop the tears that filled her eyes.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," she whispered. "I'm so sorry, because I don't want you to think I'm sad. I'm so happy that you're here, I really am. But I am a little sad, because I'm missing your daddy. He should be here. He would want to be here, but he can't. I'll tell you all about it one day, but for now all you need to know is how amazing your daddy is. He is so brave that he went to Europe to fight in a war. He fought so hard to get back to you, but he couldn't do it. They don't know where he is, but he's probably never going to come home. But don't worry. I'll be sure to love you enough for a mommy and a daddy. And you have your Grandma, who has been amazing and will do anything for you. And when you're old enough, I'll tell you anything you want to know about your father. He would have been so happy to meet you, but I know that wherever he is, he's going to look out for you and make sure you're always happy."

She leaned down to press her lips against the soft skin of his forehead, savoring the feeling of the way he seemed to settle against her automatically, almost as if he was able to recognize her. "I love you so much," she whispered.

"Meredith?"

She looked up to see Carolyn standing in the doorway, her eyes already trained on the baby in her arms but obviously waiting to be given permission to come inside.

"Come in," Meredith smiled, reaching up with a free hand to wipe the tears away from her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Carolyn smiled as she set her handbag down on the chair beside her bed and leaned over the bed to look at the baby. "He's so beautiful, Meredith."

"He is," Meredith smiled. "He looks like Derek."

"He does," Carolyn whispered, tears filling her own eyes. "But I see you too."

"You do?" Meredith asked, staring closely at her son's face, as if trying to find some evidence in his features that resembled her own.

"He has Derek's hair," Carolyn said. "And his eyes. But his facial features are yours."

"I suppose they are," Meredith said, taking in the tiny nose and the shape of his eyes and lips. "I hope he has Derek's smile."

"I'm sure we won't have to wait too long to find out," Carolyn whispered. "May I?"

"Of course," Meredith smiled, handing her son over to his grandmother and leaning into the pillows as she watched the two of them interact.

"Does he have a name?" Carolyn asked softly, her eyes focused on the tiny boy in her arms.

"Andrew," Meredith said. "Andrew Derek Shepherd."

Carolyn nodded slowly, trying to fight back tears. "Well, that's a good strong name," she breathed. "His father would be so proud."

"He would be," Meredith breathed.

"Well, Andrew," Carolyn said, smiling down at the baby in her arms. "I brought you something. I know you got a nice warm blanket from the hospital, but I brought you a very special blanket, just for you. It was your father's when he was born, and I know that he would have wanted you to have it. So next time we change your diaper, we're going to make sure you're nice and warm in your father's blanket. Doesn't that sound nice?"

Meredith swallowed hard as she reached into Carolyn's bag and pulled out a tiny blue baby blanket. She fingered it for a moment before she lifted the soft knitted material to her face, loving the way it felt against her skin. She knew it was crazy, but she could still smell Derek's soft, comforting scent on the material.

And that was all it took for her to completely break down. Clutching the blanket tightly in her hands, she began to sob hard, tears streaming down her face as she gasped for breath. This wasn't fair. None of this was fair, she wasn't supposed to be doing this alone. Derek was supposed to be here, he was supposed to be bonding with Andrew and telling her how much he loved her. She wasn't supposed to be sitting in a hospital room with her son but feeling more alone than she ever had before.

"Oh Meredith," Carolyn sighed. "It's alright sweetheart."

"It's not," she gasped through her sobs. "It's not alright. I can't do this on my own. It's not fair. He needs a father. He needs a father, and I need someone to help me. I don't…I'm not strong enough for this."

"Here," Carolyn said, shifting Andrew into Meredith's arms. "Take Andrew. He will make everything better, I promise."

"Andrew," Meredith breathed, her sobs quieting but tears still streaming down her face.

"Derek loved you so much, Meredith," Carolyn whispered, reaching to smooth Meredith's hair back from her face. "And he left you with the most precious gift of all. Andrew is all that we have left of him, so whenever you miss him, all you have to do is look at him and tell him how much you love him. Derek will hear you."

Meredith nodded softly as she felt herself calming instantly at the feeling of Andrew curling into her chest. "Thank you," she whispered. "For everything. Carolyn…I couldn't have done this without you. And I'm going to need you still. So thanks, for everything that you will do."

"It's my pleasure, Meredith," Carolyn murmured. "I'm honored to get to spend so much time with my grandson."

Before Meredith could respond, there was a knock on the door and a nurse entered. "Mrs. Shepherd," she said. "We're going to try feeding, so if you wouldn't mind stepping out for a few minutes."

"Certainly," Carolyn nodded, turning to Meredith. "I'll be right outside, alright sweetheart?"

"Okay," Meredith replied, not taking her eyes off of her son as she shifted him in her arms. She could do this. She could take care of her son, and be happy even if Derek wasn't there.

XXXXX

Two weeks later, Meredith wasn't so sure of her capabilities as a mother. Andrew had spent the better part of every day screaming at the top of his lungs, causing Liz and Amelia to flee to friends' houses and school activities as often as possible. Carolyn had been amazing at coaching Meredith through diaper changes, how to clean bottles, and how to sleep in pretty much any position without letting Andrew know that she was sleeping. Her son hated when no one was paying attention to him, wanting Meredith to be constantly holding him and cooing over him even if he himself was sleeping.

She had just been feeling that she was starting to do okay as a mom when Carolyn had been called to Pennsylvania to help her sister tend to her father, who had recently suffered a heart attack. Meredith had been at a complete loss until Keith had stopped by, checking in to see if she needed him to get any groceries or other supplies. Remembering him saying that he had been trained by his own nephew, she had dragged him up to her room and begged him to hold Andrew for even just half an hour so she could shower and have a few minutes in peace. Miraculously, when she had emerged from the bathroom clean and refreshed, she had been amazed to find Andrew sleeping peacefully in his crib, with Andrew waiting downstairs in the living room.

Meredith had told him that he wasn't allowed to leave until Carolyn was back to help her.

Now it was a week later and she was finding that she really could do this. Keith never lost patience, and he was always there to help her with whatever she needed. It had been a long week, but it was much easier to care for her son when there was someone to help, especially someone who had taken care of a needy baby before.

"Are you hungry?"

She looked up from feeding Andrew his bottle when she saw Keith standing in the doorway to the living room, holding a plate with a sandwich on it.

"Starving," she nodded, shifting Andrew to her shoulder. "Let me just burp him and put him down, then we can eat."

"You didn't eat breakfast," Keith protested. "I'll take him, you can eat."

"Thanks," Meredith said, handing Andrew over to him and reaching eagerly for the sandwich. She hadn't realized that she was hungry until she had seen the food.

"No problem," Keith smiled, bouncing Andrew slightly on his shoulder.

"You're good with him," Meredith observed.

"I'm trying," Keith laughed.

"Not a lot of men would do this," she stated.

"Do what?" Keith asked, settling Andrew into the bassinet in the corner and joining her on the couch. "Help a friend in need?"

"Take care of another man's baby," Meredith said. "Especially when the mom was never married."

"Well, I'm not any guy," Keith shrugged. "I want to make sure you're taken care of. We're friends, and I don't want you in over your head."

"That's sweet," Meredith smiled. "And I'm sorry. If I'm holding you back from your life or whatever."

"I'm exactly where I want to be," he promised, reaching to squeeze her hand.

Meredith stared at their joined hands for a moment before she pulled her hand back into her own possession and scooted away from him on the couch. She set her plate on the table in front of her then reached for a throw pillow, hugging it tightly in front of her as if to shield herself from the meaning of his words.

"Look, Keith," she whispered. "I don't know if you're expecting anything from this, but…I'm not ready. I have a baby who freaks out any time I leave the room, and I'm still…not really in mourning but just sad about Derek. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for a relationship, so you shouldn't be here if you think you might get something out of it."

"I'm not looking for that," Keith shook his head, reaching for her but then thinking better of it and bringing his hand back to his own lap. "I just want to be friends. And I hope I'm not uncomfortable. Is it too forward that I'm spending the night here? I thought sleeping on the couch would be okay, but if it's too much for you…"

"No, it's fine," Meredith smiled softly. "I guess I just wanted you to know that I'm not ready for…this. But someday I might be."

"I hope you are," Keith agreed. "Someday."

Before Meredith could reply, there was a loud knock on the front door, causing Andrew to wail loudly from his bassinet. "I'll get him," Keith sighed, already moving towards him.

Meredith sipped at her milk as she made her way towards the door, suddenly feeling lighter than she had since Keith had arrived to help her with Andrew. There was no more tension, no more worries as to whether he wanted more from her. Just the comfort of knowing that she had a good friend to be there for her and help her.

She pulled the front door open with a smile on her face, one that quickly transformed to disbelief as she met the eyes of the man standing before her. The glass she had been holding shattered at her feet as she brought her hands to cover her mouth in shock, unable to believe the sight before her eyes.

Standing in front of her in his army uniform, his eyes tired and expression broken, was Derek Shepherd.


	27. Chapter 27

**I couldn't leave you guys in suspense for too long! There's still a lot to be worked out, but hopefully this will keep you satisfied for a few minutes at least. Let me know what you think!**

"Derek?" she whispered, her hands shaking as she reached out to him, resting on his chest and moving over his shoulders as if trying to convince herself that he was real. "You're here. You're here and you're alive. You're real."

"Meredith," he whispered, his own voice shaking as he reached out to pull her into his arms, crushing her body tightly against him. Her arms went around his neck and he buried his face in her shoulder, inhaling the fresh scent of her shampoo that he loved so much. He was vaguely aware of the wetness falling onto his neck and he realized that she was crying, but he couldn't bear to let her out of his arms.

He wasn't sure how long they stood there, locked in an embrace and trying to relearn the feeling of each other, but after several moments he realized how well she fit against him. She was supposed to be pregnant, but her body was pressed tightly against his as she buried her fingers in his hair.

With a frown, he pulled away and looked down at her stomach that wasn't exactly flat, but definitely wasn't big enough to be sheltering a baby. "The baby…"

His own two words brought a smile to his face. "He's fine," she whispered. "He was born two and a half weeks ago, perfectly healthy. His name is Andrew Derek Shepherd."

Relief filled Derek's mind, but before he could ask to see his son, he looked into Meredith's eyes. They were full of mixed emotions, flickering from one to another faster than she could blink them away; relief, confusion, worry, curiosity, happiness, fright…everything he was feeling was reflected in her eyes.

"What…they said they couldn't find you," she whispered. "They said that your plane crashed, and they couldn't find you."

"I know," he murmured, squeezing her hands tightly. "I was in a prisoner camp in Germany."

"Prisoner…" Meredith's eyes filled with tears. "A concentration camp?"

"Oh Mer, no," he shook his head. He didn't want to relive the last three months of his life ever again, but he would to reassure her. "They had specific camps just for Allied military personnel. I'll tell you all about it, I promise. Right now, I just want to enjoy being home."

"You're home," she breathed. "I…your mom's not here. She's in Pennsylvania, with her parents. Liz and Amelia are out, but I should call your mom…"

"I finally calmed him down, Mer," an unfamiliar, male voice came from the depths of the house. "Although I think we should tell people not to knock on the door anymore."

Meredith stiffened in his arms, and he slowly released her from his grip, watching her step back into the house. He cautiously stepped inside with her, a frown coming across his face as a tall, blond man entered the foyer, his eyes trained on Meredith. "He didn't sleep much last night, so he should be down for awhile…" his voice trailed off as he laid eyes on Derek.

There was a very awkward silence as the three of them all wondered what exactly was going on. But suddenly, everything snapped into place. Meredith had thought he was dead. Which meant that she had gotten his letter, the one he had spent three days working up the courage to tell her to move on, to find a husband for herself and a father for their baby. And now there was a man in his house, a man who had obviously been taking care of Meredith and his baby.

"Derek," Meredith breathed, realizing at the same time what he was thinking. "Don't. It's not like that."

"It's okay," Derek shook his head, suddenly feeling trapped in the house that had once been the safest place in the world to him. "I get it. We weren't even together, really, and I…I told you to move on. It's okay, really."

"I uh…" the man cleared his throat slightly and looked at Meredith carefully. "I'm going to go."

"Thank you," Meredith murmured to him. "I'll call you later."

He moved to grab a bag by the side of the door before he turned to Derek, offering him his hand. "It's an honor to meet you, Private Shepherd," he said. "Thank you for your service to our country. You're a lucky man."

Derek was thrown off. As much as he wanted to hate this new man in Meredith's life, he wasn't sure that he could. With a nod, he shook his hand firmly. "Thank you," he said. "For taking care of her."

A moment later, he and Meredith were alone in the foyer, silently avoiding each other's eyes.

"It's not what it looks like," Meredith said after a moment. "His name is Keith, and I worked with him. But it's nothing…your mom had to go to Pennsylvania and I freaked out. He took care of his nephew when his brother was in the Pacific, so I asked him to help me with Andrew. We're friends. Nothing more."

Derek shook his head as he finally met her eyes. "Not now," he said. "I'm sorry, Mer, but right now…I'm just so overwhelmed with everything. I can't have a huge talk about us right now."

"Sorry," she whispered.

He wanted to tell her she shouldn't be sorry, that he was just glad to see her. But he didn't have the energy. Less than a week ago he had been lying on a dirty mattress in a cold, abandoned hospital, expecting to spend another fifteen hours repairing broken planes as he had been doing for months. But a raid and take over from the US Army had provided him with a new hope for life, and he had wasted no time in getting on the next boat back to the States and heading straight to his mother's home. He had hoped that he would have been able to be there before Meredith had the baby, but now he was too tired to feel anything.

"Come here," she whispered after a long moment. She reached for his hand in a way that would have once been second nature to both of them, but stopped before she could make any physical contact. She instead stepped towards the living room, holding a hand out to him and giving him the chance to set the boundaries. He looked into her eyes for a moment before he reached tentatively for the outstretched hand, trusting her to still know what he needed to make himself feel better.

She dropped his hand as she moved into the corner beside the couch, and he felt his heart begin to pound as she leaned over for a moment. He could hear her cooing gently, using a tone of voice that he had never heard from her before. Then she was turning to face him, smiling at the tiny baby held in her arms.

"This," she said, looking up at him. "Is your son. Andrew Derek Shepherd. Andrew, this is your father."

"Oh," Derek breathed, looking down at the sleeping baby. "Meredith…he's amazing."

"He has your eyes," she promised, looking at him carefully. "And your hair, and when he smiles he looks exactly like you."

"He has your nose," Derek murmured. "And the shape of your eyes…wow."

"You can hold him," Meredith offered, extending her arms carefully towards him. He knew she was treading water, trying to determine exactly how much he could handle at this moment.

"I don't know," he whispered. "I don't want to drop him."

"You won't," Meredith promised, moving easily around the room to sit down on the couch. He slowly followed her to sit down beside her, amazed at how easily she had adapted to having a baby in her arms.

"Here," she said, leaning closer to him and shifting Andrew into his arms. "Make sure you support his head….good."

"Andrew," Derek whispered, staring down at the baby in his arms. "Hey buddy."

Andrew yawned widely, the moving around having woken him up and after a moment his tiny eyes opened, revealing a deep blue that he saw every time he looked in the mirror. "I'm sorry I haven't been here," he whispered. "But I'm going to be here from now on, for everything. I promise." He looked up from his son to catch Meredith's eyes, noting the tears that were falling down her cheeks. "Meredith, please don't cry."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, reaching for a tissue from the table. "I just…as much as I wanted this to happen, I never thought it would. I didn't think it was possible. And now you're here, holding him, and I just…I still can't believe you're here."

"I'm here," Derek whispered. "And I never have to go back."

"That's…very good news," she whispered, reaching out to run a hand through his hair. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Derek whispered. "And I'm sorry. Down in Virginia…I shouldn't have done that."

"Not now," Meredith shook her head, echoing his words from earlier. "We'll have time to talk about things. Right now, I don't think I can handle more than this."

"This is nice," Derek agreed.

They sat together on the couch for a long few moments, the three of them basking in their first moments as a family. Derek held Andrew tightly in his arms, and Meredith alternated between running her hand through Derek's thick hair, longer than it had been last time he had been home, and stroking Andrew's stomach softly.

All too soon, the front door opened and the sound of crunching glass came from the hallway. "Meredith?" a confused Liz's voice came. "Are you okay? There's broken…."

Silence came over the house as Liz and Amelia both appeared in the doorway, stopping short at the sight of Derek sitting on the couch.

"Derek?" Amelia was the first to break the silence, pushing past her sister to race towards Derek. Meredith barely had time to take Andrew out of his arms before Amelia had thrown herself into his arms, laughing loudly for the first time since Meredith could remember.

"Hey Amy," he said, a small smile coming across his face as well as he hugged his sister tightly. "I missed you."

"We missed you so much," Amelia said, pulling back to look at him. "You're really here, I can't believe it. Liz, he's here!"

Liz hadn't moved, frozen in her position in the doorway, her eyes trained on the brother she had thought that she would never see again. Derek pulled away from Amelia, meeting Liz's eyes and silently opening his arms. She stared at him for a long moment, and then before anyone could blink she was wrapped tightly in his arms, her head resting on his shoulder. Her embrace wasn't filled with joy the way Amelia's had been or disbelief as Meredith's, but relief. She began to sob against his shoulder, her hands fisting around the thick material of his army uniform.

"I was so scared," she whispered. "So scared, Derek."

"I know," he replied, hugging her back tightly. "Me too."

Liz pulled back after a long moment. "We need to call Kathleen and Nancy," she said. "And Mom, but she probably won't be able to be home until tomorrow or the next day."

"Tell Kath and Nance to come over," Derek nodded. "I'll be glad to see them, but right now, I just…I need a shower, and I'm just exhausted. I need…"

His voice trailed off, and he turned to look at Meredith. "Take a shower," she said with a nod, standing to place Andrew back in his bassinet. "I'll make sure your room is ready for you to take a nap."

"Thanks," he said, relief filling his features.

Meredith followed him silently up the stairs, continuing up to his bedroom where she quickly moved the baby bibs and dirty clothes off of the bed. She wasn't sure exactly how the logistics of him being home would work, but she didn't care. He needed to be around his familiar bedroom and she wanted to do as much as she could to make him happy to be home.

With a deep breath, she collapsed on the edge of the bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering exactly what was going to happen now. Derek had jumped to conclusions about Keith, she knew that. She was going to have to explain that, but she wasn't sure where that would leave her with Derek. He had apologized for the break up, but that didn't make things right. She still didn't know if they could make this work.

And he was different. Gone was the carefree, fun loving teenage boy that she had fallen in love with. In his place was a tired, broken man who had seen the horrors of war that no one should ever have to see. She hoped that the Derek she knew could come back some day, but she wasn't sure what would happen if he didn't. He would be there for Andrew, she was positive than that. The most emotion that she had seen from him in the hour that he had been home was when he had held his son for the first time. But she wasn't sure how she fit into the picture.

"Wow," his voice came from the doorway, and she turned to see him wrapped in just a towel. She could feel nausea rising in her throat at how skinny he was; she could see his ribs outlined against his skin and it was obvious that he hadn't been eating as much as he should.

"Wow?" she repeated, standing from the bed and watching him move cautiously into the room.

"It looks different," he said, looking at the crib and changing table in the corner of the room before he sat down on the bed.

"Girlier I guess," Meredith shrugged. "Your mom's been amazing letting me stay here."

"That's good," he said, his voice hollow. "I asked her to."

"Yeah, she told me," Meredith said, followed by a long pause. They were both silent for a moment before they both spoke at the same moment.

"I should let you…"

"I'm pretty tired…"

They both laughed slightly and Meredith nodded. "Have a nice nap," she said. "Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks," Derek said, already leaning back into the pillows.

Meredith closed the door behind her, leaning against the wall for a moment before she quickly made her way down the hall, needing to distract herself from all of the thoughts that were going on in her head.

"He just saw some of the worst things a person can see," Amelia was saying when she approached the living room. "Of course he doesn't seem like himself."

"I don't even know what to say to him," Liz said softly, looking up when Meredith entered the room. "Is he okay?"

"I think so," Meredith said, taking Andrew out of Liz's arms and cradling him against her chest. "He's sleeping."

"What happened?" Amelia asked.

"He just showed up," Meredith said. "Completely shocking me, and I don't…we didn't really talk about anything. He said he was in a prisoner camp for Allied troops, and last week there was a raid by the army. He came back on the first boat he could, and now he's here."

"And he met Andrew," Liz said.

"He did," Meredith smiled down at her son. "Right sweetheart? You finally got to meet your daddy."

"Nancy and Kathleen are on their way over," Amelia reported.

"I don't know how long he's going to sleep for," Meredith murmured. "But I imagine they'll wait here for as long as they need to."

"They will," Liz said. "Are you okay? You look overwhelmed."

"That's one word for it," Meredith nodded. "I don't know where I stand with him, I don't know what to say to him. I tried to talk and he said he was just too tired. "

"That's understandable," Amelia said softly. "He just needs some time to work things out."

"I guess," Meredith said, looking down at Andrew. "We can do that, right Andrew? Daddy needs time, and then he and Mommy will work things out." Her words sounded so positive, even to her own ears but deep down, she wasn't sure that it would be so simple.


	28. Chapter 28

**I know I'm on a roll! I always hate to promise too much on my days off in case I get distracted by 3D life, but I'd think that today was pretty successful as far as my writing goes. I'm glad you're enjoying this story, and please let me know what you think!**

Meredith sighed as she collapsed onto the stairs late that evening, after the entire house had gone to sleep. IT had been a long, stressful day, and she wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen next. Derek had awoken from his nap seemingly happy enough to see his eldest sisters, but still walking on tiptoes around her. He had been happy to give Andrew his bottle before bedtime and had even watched her tuck him into the crib, telling her that he wanted to know what to do so he could do it by himself in the future. He obviously wanted to be part of his son's life, but he hadn't really said anything to her about them.

After a long evening of telling Derek everything that had happened to them over the past few months, Kathleen and Nancy had reluctantly gone home, and Derek had gone upstairs, telling Meredith that he would sleep in his mother's room so they could figure out sleeping arrangements later. Liz and Amelia had gone to bed as well, but Meredith was too anxious to sleep.

She still felt guilty that she had all but kicked Keith out of the house earlier that day, but the last thing she needed was Derek getting protective and snapping at Keith's innocent desire to help her. She knew she had to talk to him, but she wasn't sure exactly what she could say to him.

"Hello?" his voice came over the line, and she sighed softly before she responded with a greeting of her own. "Meredith," he said, warmth filling his voice. "How are you? I've been thinking about you all day, is Derek okay?"

"He's fine," Meredith said softly. "I just wanted to apologize for kicking you out earlier today. And say thank you for being so understanding about all of this."

"Meredith, it's okay," Keith assured her. "I know that you have been hoping that Derek would come home. I'm happy that you're going to be happy."

"Thanks," Meredith said, twirling the phone cord around her finger softly. "I hope I will be too."

"And I'll see you around," Keith said. "We're still friends, right?"

"Absolutely," Meredith said. She was silent for a moment before she asked, "Do you think it's okay that I'm nervous around him?"

Keith was silent for a moment, and she could tell that he was thrown off by the question. "I don't know Derek," he finally said. "But when my brother came home, it took him a couple months to get back to normal."

"A couple months?" Meredith repeated.

"He saw things that no person should ever have to see," Keith said. "As I'm sure Derek did. But it took him a long time to stop having nightmares, to really be able to focus on the future and everything he had around him."

"But he eventually got back to normal, right?" Meredith asked. "He's not still some empty shell of a man that he used to be?"

"Not anymore," Keith promised. "It's been almost six months since he's been home, and he's getting better every day."

"Good," Meredith murmured. Maybe Derek just needed time.

"I only met Derek for a couple seconds," Keith was saying. "But it was pretty obvious from the way he looked at you that he still loves you. And I know that you still love him, so I hope it works out."

Meredith was distracted as she heard footsteps starting down the stairs, heavy footsteps that had to be male. "Thanks, Keith," she said softly. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Bye Meredith."

She hung up quickly, a frown of concern coming across her features when she saw Derek appear in front of her with Andrew in his arms. "Is he okay?" she asked.

"He started crying a little," Derek replied. "I couldn't sleep, so I went up to check on him since I heard you down here. I think I woke him up, I'm sorry."

"It's fine, Derek," she sighed. "He doesn't really like to sleep if he doesn't have to."

"Are you sure they gave you the right baby?" Derek asked with a slight smile. "You love to sleep."

Meredith giggled slightly as she reached for the whimpering baby. "It's pretty obvious he's our baby," she replied, frowning when he started to cry harder, turning away from her body. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" Andrew's face turned red as he started to scream, stiffening in her arms as he struggled in her grasp.

"Is he okay?" Derek asked, stepping closer to them.

"I don't know, he's never done this before," Meredith frowned. "He might be hungry. I um…I can go in the other room to feed him if you want."

Derek's frown deepened for a moment and then he realized what she was saying. "No, uh," he cleared his throat. "If you want me to, but it doesn't bother me."

"It's okay," Meredith nodded, moving towards the living room and settling herself on the couch, smiling as Derek sat down beside her on the couch. Cautiously, she pulled her nightgown down and held Andrew to her breast, frowning as he turned away and screamed louder. "Not hungry," she sighed, situating herself so she was covered again. "I don't…Derek, he's never done this before."

"Let me take him," Derek murmured softly. She could tell he was trying to help but didn't exactly know what he should do to take care of his crying baby. Meredith relented and handed Andrew over to him, her heart still skipping a beat as she saw the two of them together.

"He's quieting down," she whispered after a moment, watching in awe as Andrew curled against Derek's chest, his tiny eyes falling shut. "He wanted his daddy."

"I guess so," Derek sighed, running his hand up and down his son's back, leaning down to press his lips against the top of his head. He was silent for a moment before he stated, "You were talking to the man who was here earlier."

Meredith was silent, knowing that she couldn't really avoid this conversation. "I was," she said. Derek was silent, which she took as a signal to continue speaking. "His name is Keith. I met him at the music lounge where I was working while I was pregnant. He was helping me out with Andrew, but that's it. We're just friends, I promise."

"Nothing happened between you two?" Derek whispered. She could hear desperation in his voice, and she knew she could easily lie to him. But she had never been able to lie to him, and that didn't change now, even though it seemed like everything else had.

"I kissed him," she whispered. "Once, right after I found out about you."

"Oh," Derek's voice was flat, and his arms tightened around his son.

"It was a mistake," Meredith whispered. "I realized it and freaked out. But at the time, I thought you were dead, and you had written me that letter, telling me that it was okay to move on. I was grieving or whatever, and part of me thought it would be so much better to have someone with me rather than wait for you for the rest of my life."

"I get it," Derek nodded slowly.

"But," Meredith continued, reaching out to rest a hand cautiously on his shoulder. "Then I realized that I wasn't ready. So I asked Keith if we could just be friends. And that's all we've been since then."

"Except he was Andrew's father."

"What?" Meredith breathed. "No, Derek, he never wanted to be his father. I told Andrew about you all the time. I put your picture in his crib, and I read him your letter every day."

"You did?" Derek whispered.

"And if…" the words were more painful to say now than they had been in the past. "If you hadn't come home, I would have always told him about you. He would have known that you were his father. I could never have let anyone else pretend to be his father."

"Thank you," Derek breathed. "That's…it means a lot to me."

"He has your name, Derek," Meredith whispered. "And I wouldn't have changed it. No matter what happened with my romantic future, he would always have had your last name."

Derek swallowed hard. "Do you think," he whispered. "That if I hadn't come home you would have been ready to move on?"

"I don't know," she whispered honestly. "I went through so many different scenarios in my head, Derek. I knew I would be happiest if you came home, but then I had to remind myself that we had broken up. I wasn't sure if you would even had wanted me back. And part of me was convinced that you were gone forever, so I should just find someone to be with so I wouldn't be alone."

"I hate this," Derek whispered. "This wasn't how we were supposed to happen at all."

"I know," Meredith replied. "But it's not bad. You're here, and Andrew's healthy. The rest… we can work the rest of it out."

"Do you want to try to be us again?" Derek whispered.

Meredith was silent for a long moment. "I know that I still love you," she whispered. "Or I love the Derek that I knew. But we're different people now. You just survived the worst trauma anyone could ever face, and I can tell that you're different. Not bad different, just…different. And I was abandoned by my parents, dropped out of college, and was shunned by the entire town for having a baby out of wedlock. We've both changed."

"And the new us might not work well together," Derek stated.

"That's my biggest fear," Meredith whispered. "I missed you so much, Derek. But I'm scared."

"When I was in prison," Derek started, his voice shaking. "They had us sleep on dirty mattresses in a cold, dark basement. A lot of the time I could even see my own hands in front of me. But the one thing that could get me through it was knowing that if I could just find a way to get home, I could see you just one more time."

Tears filled Meredith's eyes. "How horrible was it?" she whispered tentatively, unsure of how far to push his emotions.

"We got one meal a day," Derek whispered. "They worked us for hours on end without a break, anything they needed. Fixing broken equipment, cleaning their quarters, basically anything they didn't want to do. And if we dared speak out against them, they would beat us until we couldn't do anything."

"Your nose," Meredith whispered. His nose, which had always been perfect, was now slightly crooked. She hesitantly reached out to run her fingers lightly over it before coming to rest on his cheek.

"I told them I was expecting a baby," Derek sighed. "After I saw a picture of one of the German's pregnant wife, I tried to reason with him. It almost worked, until his supervisor came over and beat me up. He broke my nose and there wasn't any medical attention for us, so it just healed like this."

Meredith fought off nausea at the thought of anyone beating Derek up, and she shook her head. "Well, luckily it just adds character," she giggled slightly.

"That is fortunate," Derek laughed. "And it's not the first time it was broken either."

"Mark threw that baseball at your face," she smiled. "I don't think I've ever seen so much blood."

Derek turned to look at her smiling face and she felt her heart begin to pound harder. He was looking at her like he used to, like she was his everything. Like he loved her.

Before she knew what was happening, he was leaning in and kissing her softly, his lips just as warm and perfect as she had remembered. Her hands came to frame his face as she kissed him back, and they remained in a comfortable kiss for several minutes.

But then Andrew fussed slightly, causing Meredith to giggle slightly as she pulled away, resting her head against his shoulder. "We're not paying him enough attention."

"Obviously his mother's son," Derek said, pressing a kiss to the top of her head as he untangled one arm from his son to wrap tightly around her shoulders. "I want to try us, Mer."

"Me too," she whispered, reaching out to trace her finger over her son's cheek. "But we need to promise each other something. And Andrew."

"What's that?" Derek whispered.

"That we're his parents first," Meredith whispered. "I know it would be easier to think about ourselves first, but that's not how it works anymore. We're parents, and he needs both of us. So we can't try this, realize it's not going to work and never speak to each other again. Even if we realize we can't be in a relationship, we still have to raise him together."

"I agree," Derek whispered into her hair. "But I do hope that this will work out."

"Me too," she whispered. "I do still love you, Derek."

"I still love you too."

"I just hope that's enough," Meredith breathed.

"We have to let it be enough," Derek said. He was silent for a moment, but he was tense under her and she could tell he wanted to say something else.

"What is it?" she whispered, pulling back to look into his eyes.

"I'm not bright and shiny, Mer," he whispered. "Even before I was in prison, I watched people die all around me. I killed men. I don't…I can't get that out of my head. I'm sitting here with you and my son in my arms, trying to let this be perfect, but I just can't forget the sound of the bombs, the fear I felt when my plane was shot down, the guilt I felt when I saw a man die in front of me from my own bullet."

"I can't imagine how hard it must be," Meredith whispered. "Here, we think we know so much about what's going on in the war, but you must feel like you've been placed into another world."

"A better world," Derek agreed.

"I don't know how to help you," she admitted. "I want to help you, but I just…I don't know what to say to you, or how to help you."

"This is helping more than you know," he whispered, holding Andrew closer to him and bringing her closer to his chest as well. She nestled her head back on his shoulder and wrapped an arm around his middle, savoring the feeling she felt as the small family was nestled together for the first time.


	29. Chapter 29

Derek still wasn't sure that he had adjusted to being back home. It had been two days, and he was slowly starting to get used to the freedom to do whatever he wanted. He was relearning the routines of his household and restoring the relationships that had been put on hold while he was at war. His mother was still visiting her parents, but they were expecting her home sometime in the next two days, and he hoped that seeing her would help him to feel more comfortable being back in New York.

It was strange how much everything had changed. At first sight, everything was the same; the pictures of his father were still placed throughout the house, the furniture was the same, and his sisters were still noisy and annoying. But there were subtle differences that were constantly reminding him of how much he had missed out on; the plates in the kitchen had moved to a different cabinet to make room for Andrew's bottles, Amelia was now in high school and rarely spent any time at home, and Liz was starting at college in the fall. He had to sleep on the couch because Meredith and Andrew had inhabited his bedroom. And the biggest change of all was the fact that while he and Meredith were talking, it was completely awkward to be living in the same house as her but not be with her.

He sighed as he moved around the kitchen, keeping an eye on Andrew as the baby cooed gently from his place in the bassinet Derek had moved into the kitchen while he cooked breakfast. Meredith had been up most of the night, so Derek had quietly taken Andrew out of his crib when he had heard him whimpering earlier that morning. He wasn't completely adjusted to the fact that he was a father, but he was getting better. Andrew always seemed calm when Derek held him, and Derek had to admit that things had seemed to make the most sense earlier that morning when he'd sat in the living room with his son in his arms as he gently sucked on his bottle.

"Morning," he heard a voice say from behind him, and he turned to smile slightly at Meredith as she stumbled into the room, her hair a mess as she made a beeline for the bassinet. He loved that she was such a good mother to his son.

"Hi," he replied as he looked up from his pancakes to watch her closely. It was an odd feeling to be in such close quarters to her and still miss her with every being of his body.

"I didn't even hear you grab him," Meredith smiled as she came to stand beside him at the stove, Andrew cradled in her arms.

"You were exhausted," Derek murmured, focusing on the pancakes in front of him. "I thought I could let you get some more sleep."

"Thanks," she said. "Did he eat?"

"Almost a whole bottle," Derek nodded. "I changed his diaper too."

"I could get used to this," Meredith giggled as she held Andrew over her head. "Did you have a nice morning with Daddy?"

"He slept through most of it," Derek stated.

"That's what babies do," Meredith nodded, moving to put Andrew back in his bassinet and returning to Derek's side. "How are you?"

He knew she was concerned about his mental state, but he wasn't ready to talk about it yet. "I'm fine," he said as he began to flip the pancakes.

Meredith was silent, but he could feel her eyes on him. He knew that she was considering whether she should push the issue further or not, but finally decided to let it go. "Good," she said as she moved to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of milk. "You know, I could get used to this."

"What?" Derek asked, turning to look at her for a moment.

"Someone to feed and change Andrew," Meredith smiled as she set a glass of milk beside him before pouring her own. "And make me breakfast."

"Isn't that what that friend of yours was doing?" Derek snapped without thinking, immediately regretting his words.

Meredith was silent as he turned to look at her, but this wasn't the concerned silence from a few moments earlier. This was an angry silence, a hurt silence. And that was worse than concerned silence. Much worse.

"I told you," she finally whispered. "Keith and I were just friends. That's all we ever were."

"I know," he shook his head as he braced himself against the counter, staring down at the stove and not caring that he was letting the pancakes burn. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Meredith whispered. She was staring at him, he could feel it, and he shook his head again as he reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. His nose that was still sore from being broken weeks earlier.

"It's not okay," he said. "I don't know what's wrong with me. But you don't deserve to be snapped at all the time."

"I'm used to it," she shrugged.

He knew it was true. Her parents had never been pleased with her, always finding something that she could improve, something she could do differently to make sure that she didn't scorn their family name. But he had always promised himself that he would give her a better life, that he would never make her feel like she wasn't good enough.

"That doesn't mean I should be doing it," Derek shook his head. "You just gave me a baby, you've been amazing at giving me the space I need, and I can't even be nice to you. I just want things to go back to normal."

"They will," Meredith said softly, her hand tentatively coming to rest on his shoulder. "It will just take time."

He turned to look at her, unable to mask the vulnerability he felt as he looked into her beautifully concerned eyes. "I'm scared," he finally admitted.

"Scared?" she frowned. "Of what?"

"That you won't wait for me to get better."

Meredith inhaled sharply and her eyes filled with confusion and sympathy and…something that he couldn't quite place. She opened her mouth to say something but then closed it again, obviously unsure of what to say in response to his honest confession.

He wasn't sure how long they stood in the kitchen, their eyes locking them in a conversation without words, but it felt like an eternity. All too soon, however, the sound of the front door opening interrupted their moment, and his mother's voice rang out.

"I'm home!" she called. "Is anyone awake?"

Derek felt his heart begin to pound in anticipation. His mother had no idea that he was home, and somehow, he couldn't find the words to say anything in that moment.

"In the kitchen!" Meredith finally called, her eyes still trained on Derek.

"How is everyone?" Carolyn's voice came closer and she then appeared in the kitchen, sorting through a pile of mail in her hands. "I can't believe how much mail has accumulated in the one week that I was gone. There are so many bills to pay."

"You can worry about that later," Meredith said, an amused smile on her face as she watched Carolyn move towards the bassinet, her back to where Derek was standing, a hint of a smile playing over his own lips.

"There's my boy," Carolyn smiled as she leaned in to kiss Andrew's forehead softly. "I won't disturb him while he's…." her voice trailed off as she finally turned to look at Derek, her expression freezing for a long moment. She slowly raised her hands to her mouth as she walked carefully towards him, reaching her hands out to touch his shoulders as if to convince herself that he was real. "Derek?" she whispered, tears filling her eyes.

"Mom," he swallowed hard, smiling slightly at her. "I'm home."

That was all it took for Carolyn to wrap her arms tightly around her only son, holding him close to her as if she was afraid he would disappear if she let him go. "Derek," she whispered, finally pulling back to look at him, cupping his face in his hands. "You're home."

"I'm home," he nodded, a true smile crossing his face as he looked into his mother's eyes.

"I thought…" tears filled Carolyn's eyes as she pulled him close to her again. "I thought you were…"

"I know," Derek murmured, running a comforting hand over her back. "I'm here, Mom. I'm here."

"I missed you so much."

"I missed you too."

"You look good," Carolyn said, pulling back to look at him again, reaching for a dish towel to wipe her eyes. "A little skinny, but…good. Are you okay?"

Derek's eyes flashed to Meredith, and he knew that he couldn't admit he was fine. Meredith had just witnessed a flash of the emotional confusion he was feeling right now, and she wouldn't let him get away with telling his mom he was okay.

"I will be," he finally said.

Carolyn looked him over for a moment before she inhaled deeply, moving to sit at the kitchen table. "I presume you've met your son?"

Derek felt his face grow into a wide smile, and he was again very glad that Andrew had made his way into the world. He had to get better, so his son could have an undamaged father. "I have," he said. "He's perfect."

"He is," Carolyn said, looking at Meredith as she sat down across the table from them. "Dare I ask what is going on between the two of you?"

"Oh," Meredith breathed, looking down at the table. "We um…we're not sure yet. Which I know isn't really what you want to hear and it's not what I want to hear either, but we have to take things slow. Because things happened, and if more bad things happen we don't want Andrew to get hurt, so we have to just take things slow."

"Mer," Derek said softly, reaching across the table to place his hand on top of hers.

"Sorry," she murmured.

"We're taking things one day at a time," Derek said. "I need time, and we need to put Andrew first. So we'll see what happens."

Carolyn nodded slowly, her eyes trained on Derek's fingers that were intertwined tightly with Meredith's. "Well, I think time is exactly what you need," she nodded. "Now, we need to get some food in you."

"Actually, we just ate breakfast," Derek started.

"And you're far too skinny," Carolyn said, standing and moving towards the refrigerator. "You need to keep eating."

"Okay, Mom."

Before anyone could say anything, Andrew let out a loud wail from the bassinet. Meredith jumped up right away, but Derek was closer and reached for his son before she could get there. "I think it's his diaper," he said. "Is it okay if I…"

A slow smile spread across Meredith's lips. "Of course," she said. "He's your son too, Derek. You don't have to ask permission to take care of him."

"Okay," Derek nodded, suddenly feeling stupid. "We'll be right back."

"We'll be waiting," Carolyn promised, and he looked over his shoulder to see his mother staring at him with tears filling her eyes. He swallowed hard as he turned back to the stairs, bouncing his whimpering son slightly in his arms. He was home, everything was getting back to normal, and now he could start to get better.

XXXXX

"I don't know what's wrong with him," Meredith said desperately late that night as she paced the floor of her bedroom, a wailing Andrew struggling in her arms. "He's never done this before."

"Maybe he's hot?" Derek suggested from his place on the edge of the bed. He was at a loss for how to help his son; they'd changed his diaper, fed him, and burped him, but the second he had placed Andrew in his crib the baby had started screaming at the top of his lungs. So Meredith had changed him again, tried feeding him, and was now walking around the room in hopes of calming him.

"Maybe," Meredith murmured. "Can you hand me his t-shirt and shorts? I'll get him out of his jumper."

"Here you go, buddy," Derek said softly, smiling as Meredith easily changed Andrew into less confining clothes. "Is that better?"

"He's calming down," Meredith agreed, leaning down to kiss his forehead. "Is that all it was, sweetheart?"

"Hopefully," Derek said, scooping Andrew off of the bed and placing him gently in the crib. "Go to sleep now, bud. Mommy needs it."

"She sure does," Meredith sighed, falling onto the bed and looking up at him. "Thanks for helping with him."

"I want to help," Derek nodded. "But I'll let you get to sleep. Um…good night."

"Good night," Meredith said, offering him a small smile. He was halfway to the door when she said his name softly, and he turned to look at her expectantly. "The couch probably isn't very comfortable."

He shrugged and shook his head. "The couch is fine, Mer."

"No, Derek," she inhaled sharply. "If you want…if it's not too awkward, you can sleep here. With us."

Derek blinked in surprise, not having expected her to be so straightforward. But the idea of sleeping in a real bed for the first time in months sounded extraordinarily appealing, and the idea of Meredith beside him was even more tempting. "Are you sure you're okay with that?" he asked.

"Of course," Meredith nodded. "But only if you want to. I would just let you sleep here, but Andrew needs me in the night sometimes, so I can't…"

"It's okay, Mer," Derek said, moving back towards the bed. "We can share."

"Okay," she nodded, scooting over and letting him slip under the covers with her. "You okay?"

Feeling her familiar body heat radiating towards him under the covers, he knew that he was more than okay. With a smile she couldn't see, he sought her hand under the covers and squeezed it tightly. "Right now," he said. "I'm perfect."


	30. Chapter 30

It was dark. Everything was dark around him, and Derek couldn't see a thing. He felt his heart begin to pound, feeling exactly as he had during the months when he had spent night after lonely night in complete darkness as a prisoner of war.

Suddenly the sound of baby crying filled the air, and Derek knew instinctively it was Andrew. He turned around, trying to follow his son's cries to figure out where he was, but no matter how many times he turned Andrew's cries seemed to come from behind him.

"Andrew," he breathed. "Where are you?"

"Daddy!" a voice shouted in the darkness, and suddenly he could see. Derek could see a boy, a boy who looked exactly like him, reaching out to him. Derek tried to moved towards him, but his feet were planted firmly in the ground, making him unable to move towards his son. "Daddy!"

"I'm trying, Andrew!" Derek cried. "Just hold on!"

Andrew didn't seem to hear him, and instead reached his hands out to another man, swooping the little boy into his arms. "Hi Daddy!"

Derek felt the air leave his lungs in one quick exhale, as if he'd been punched in the gut. Andrew didn't know him.

"Where's Mommy?" the mystery man asked.

"Right here," Meredith's voice came, and a second later she appeared, radiant and smiling. "Are you having fun with Daddy?"

"I'm his father!" Derek shouted, but no one seemed to hear him. "Meredith! Meredith, I'm here!"

Suddenly the ground fell out from under him, and he was falling. Falling and falling, before he realized that he was seated, securely strapped into the pilot seat of a plane. Realizing that he was supposed to be in control of the plane, he grabbed for the controls and suddenly realized that he couldn't remember any of his training.

"Daddy!" a tiny voice cried from beside him, and he turned to see Andrew, an older Andrew, sitting beside him, tears of fear streaming down his cheeks. "Make it stop, Daddy!"

"I'm trying," Derek promised, reaching for the controls and trying to stop the plane from falling.

"Daddy," Andrew sobbed. "Help me! I'm scared, Daddy!"

"I know, Andrew," Derek said, trying desperately to do anything to stop the plane from crashing, to save his son. His only goal now was to take care of his son, but he couldn't do it.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and he felt the impact of the plane hitting the ground. He ignored the de ja vous that washed over him as he heard a loud scream from his son, and tried desperately to find him. The seat where he had been securely fastened in only a moment before was empty, but he could still hear his son's screams.

"Help me Daddy!" Andrew cried. "I need you!"

"I'm coming," Derek promised, but he was surrounded by darkness again. "Where are you? Keep talking so I can find you."

"It's too late," Andrew replied, his voice softer and further away. "I can't…"

"No!" Derek shouted, turning in frantic circles and flailing his arms out around him. "I'll help you, Andrew, I promise!"

"You're supposed to take care of me," Andrew said. "I have to go now."

"No!" Derek shouted again, moving from side to side trying to find his son. "No! Andrew! Andrew!"

"Derek." Suddenly Meredith's voice was there, and then there was shaking. He stumbled slightly, searching for Meredith. Her voice was coming into focus as she repeated his name, and the shaking got more intense.

Suddenly he was jolted out of the darkness and he sat straight up in bed, breathing hard as he looked around his childhood bedroom in the dim light of the bed side table that Meredith had turned on. She was sitting up beside him, her expression confused and worried, and her hand still lingered over his shoulder. She didn't make contact, as if afraid of what would happen if she did.

"Are you okay?" she finally whispered.

"Yeah," he shook his head, running a shaky hand through his hair.

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked. "You were shouting, and you practically kicked me out of bed."

"Sorry," he murmured, kicking the blankets to the side and moving to the crib, looking down at his son who had somehow been able to sleep peacefully through Derek's disturbing dreams.

"That's not what I meant," Meredith said, her concerned eyes still trained on him from where she sat in the bed. "Was it about the war?"

"I don't want to talk about the war," Derek snapped quickly.

Meredith blinked in surprise. She obviously still wasn't used to him being short with her, and although he hated snapping at her, he couldn't seem to stop. "I'm trying to help," she whispered.

Derek sighed as he looked down at his sleeping son one more time before he returned to the bed, perching on the edge facing Meredith instead of beside her under the covers.

"I saw Andrew," he said softly. "When he's older, maybe four or five. And you were there too. The two of you were happy. With another man. Your husband and Andrew's father."

"Oh Derek," Meredith whispered, leaning in to move her hand over his cheek. "That's you. You know that."

He pulled himself away from her touch and ignored the hurt expression on her face. "That's not me," he replied. "We're not married."

"Okay, so you're not my husband," Meredith whispered. "But you are Andrew's father. That will never change."

"It could," Derek argued. "What happens when you get married? Andrew will live with you and he'll have a brand new father. A better one."

A single tear slid down Meredith's cheek and her turned to avoid her gaze. She was crying because he was telling her that they would never get married. He hated hurting her, but it was easier for him to do this now, for him to tell her why he would be a horrible husband and father.

But before he could say anything, she surprised him. Ignoring the tears threatening to pour out of her cheeks, Meredith crawled across the bed to him, planted herself on his lap, straddled his hips, and took his face into her hands. He had no choice but to meet her stormy green eyes that he had always been so good at reading. And he was surprised to see not sadness, but determination.

"You, Derek Shepherd," she whispered. "Are an amazing father. That will never change. I know you're in a weird place right now, and I hate that you had to experience what you did. But you're still putting Andrew ahead of yourself, and that's what makes you a good father. Maybe we'll never get married, I don't know. And honestly, right now I don't really care. Because for the first time in a year, I was just able to sleep peacefully because you're here. You're here, and you're alive. Anytime I need to remind myself of that, I can reach out and touch you. I can run my hands through your hair. I can remind myself that while you've changed, you're still here. And you're holding me. That's all I need right now."

"I'm glad you think I'm a good father," Derek whispered, his hands moving along her hips to steady her in his lap. "But it's not true."

"What?" Meredith frowned. "Derek, you've been home for three days and Andrew already responds better to you than he does to me. Why would you even think that?"

"Because," Derek swallowed hard. "I can't take care of him. My dream…it was of my plane crash. Except Andrew was there, and I couldn't even save him from getting hurt. He was calling out to me, and I couldn't even find him to help him. I couldn't even see him, let alone protect him."

"Derek, it was a dream," she said softly.

"It felt real," he whispered.

"I know," she sighed, looking at him for a moment before a smile cracked over her lips. "Do you remember my worst nightmare ever?"

He thought for a moment before he allowed himself to break a smile. "The clown that chased you."

"It was scary," Meredith giggled. "I nearly punched you in the face when you tried to wake me up."

"I always said that I should sleep with protective gear when you're in bed with me," Derek laughed. "I think I still have a bruise from that time you elbowed me in the back."

"That's so not the point," Meredith rolled her eyes, but she was smiling triumphantly. "Do you remember what you told me when I kept having that stupid clown dream?"

"That dreams are only as real as you make them," Derek recalled softly.

"Exactly," Meredith nodded, climbing off of his lap and pulling him to his feet, pulling him across the room to the crib. "This little boy," she whispered as she wrapped her arms around him. "Is never going to remember a time where you weren't here. He's going to grow up with you taking care of him, and I guarantee one of his first words will be daddy. You're going to teach him to play baseball and ride a bike, and when he's a teenager you'll teach him to drive and how to cut the grass. You'll be there to give him advice the first time a girl breaks his heart, and someday you're going to hold my hand and watch as he marries the love of his life. And on that day, he's going to know that he is a good man and will be a good husband to his wife because he learned from the best. He's going to learn how to be a good man from you, Derek. And that's the most important thing you will ever do in your life."

Tears filled Derek's eyes as he looked down at the tiny, innocent life before him. He had helped to create the boy before him, and now he was responsible for everything about him.

"I'm scared," he finally whispered.

"Me too," Meredith confessed. "But…that's why there are two of us and one of him. We're a team, and we can figure this out. Together. Because no matter what happens between you and me, we will always be his parents. Which means we'll always be together in some way."

Derek turned his gaze from Andrew to Meredith, completely amazed at how much strength she had in her, at how well she was able to comfort him and know exactly what he needed to hear, even after a year of being separated. "You are so incredible," he whispered.

He could see her face flush even in the dim light of the room, and she shook her head slightly. "No," she said. "Just a mom."

In that moment he couldn't help but lean in to kiss her, letting his lips brush against hers. She was surprised at first, but after a moment she responded and kissed him back. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled back for a moment to look into her eyes.

"I miss you," he admitted softly.

"Derek," she sighed, leaning in to rest her head against his shoulder. "I miss you too."

"I'll get better," Derek promised. "For you and Andrew…I need to get better."

"We'll be here for you," Meredith offered her own promise. "I know what you experienced is…horrible beyond words, and I don't know how to help you. But I want to."

Derek ran his hands up and down her back as he buried his face in her shoulder. "You're doing it," he whispered.

XXXXX

The next morning, Meredith woke alone. She stretched her tight muscles for a long moment before she rolled out of bed and stumbled towards Andrew's crib, smiling in response to the soft cooing sounds her son was making as he stared up at her.

"Morning sweetheart," she whispered as she leaned down to scoop him into her arms and kiss the top of his forehead. "Let's go downstairs so I can find Daddy, and then I'll feed you, okay?"

She made her way carefully down the stairs, making her way to the living room where she could hear the soft sounds of the news streaming through the radio. When she rounded the corner to see into the room, she saw Derek sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead of him as he listened to the reports of the war, filtering through the room.

"Derek?" she whispered softly.

His head snapped up to meet hers as she lowered herself onto the couch beside him, and he offered her a small smile. "Hey," he said.

"How long have you been up?"

He shrugged. "A couple hours," he replied. "Couldn't sleep."

"You should have woken me up," Meredith said.

"There's nothing you could have done," Derek sighed, reaching to run a hand through his hair. "Besides, you helped more than you'll ever know after the nightmare."

"Oh," Meredith nodded slowly. "Um…that's good."

They fell into an awkward silence for a long moment, during which they both focused on the news reports the radio was emitting.

"…the bodies of forty more fallen soldiers arrived back in the States today. Many of these heroes will be buried at a date to be determined in Arlington National Cemetery…"

"Derek," Meredith said, taking in the hard expression on his face. "Maybe you shouldn't be listening to this."

He swallowed hard and shook his head. "I'm fine," he said, clearing his throat. "I um…do you have any plans for today?"

"Andrew and I have a doctor's appointment," Meredith replied. "But nothing other than that."

"Is everything okay?" Derek asked, fear filling his eyes. "With you and Andrew? Why are you going to the doctor?"

"We're fine," Meredith nodded. "I gave birth a month ago, Derek. Just a follow up, to make sure everything is okay."

"Oh," Derek nodded, his body relaxing. "Okay."

"So…maybe you can come with us," Meredith said. "And then we can take Andrew to the park or something. I'm getting kind of tired of sitting around the house all the time."

"Oh, uh," Derek cleared his throat. "I would, but I should probably go into the recruitment office."

Meredith was grateful she had her arms wrapped tightly around Andrew when those words reached her ears. "Recruitment office?" she whispered. "Why…Derek, why are you going back there?"

"Relax, Mer," he shook his head. "I'm not going back to Europe. But if I want my G.I. Bill, I have to finish my enlistment. Since that's the only way I can get into college…I don't really have a choice."

"College," Meredith repeated. "So you're…you're still going to go to college?"

"Well yeah," Derek said. "That's the reason I joined the military. To have college paid for."

Meredith wasn't sure why she hadn't seen this coming, but she felt her stomach tighten at the thought of Derek leaving home to go back to Bowdoin. "So you…you want to go back to Maine?" she asked.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "But Meredith…that's a long time from now. I have to finish my enlistment, then reapply to college. But honestly…I don't think I want to be that far away from Andrew."

"Andrew," Meredith repeated. "Right."

There was another awkward silence that fell over them, and Meredith wracked her brain to think of something to say. Before she could think of anything significant, however, Andrew let out a loud wail, as if uncomfortable himself with the awkwardness of the situation.

"I should feed him," Meredith said, moving to stand up.

"Right," Derek nodded. "I'm going to get dressed and then go, so um…good luck at the doctor."

"Thanks," Meredith whispered, fighting tears of frustration at how distant he seemed. "You too. At the recruitment office."

"Yeah," he nodded, standing and moving towards the stairs. Meredith watched him go, hoping with everything inside of her that things could get back to normal and they wouldn't be so awkward around each other anymore.


	31. Chapter 31

Derek smiled softly as he leaned against the door to his bedroom, watching Meredith as she sat in the rocking chair beside Andrew's crib, gently rocking their son as he fought off sleep. Earlier, they had fed and bathed Andrew together, and then Meredith had blushed when requesting privacy to breastfeed him one more time before they put him down for the night. Derek had stepped out for a few minutes, downing a glass of milk before he'd made his way back upstairs to make sure he could say goodnight to Andrew before she put him down for the night.

The past month had been a roller coaster of emotions for both of them. He'd started working as a recruiting officer in the city, a job that he had surprisingly enjoyed more than he thought he would. As hard as it had been to be fighting in Europe, he was proud to be a veteran for the United States military. He hadn't been cut out to be a soldier, but plenty of young men were, and they were needed to defeat the Nazis.

He came home at night to his family, to Meredith playing with Andrew in the living room floor or helping his mother prepare dinner. It was nice, to come home to her and think about what their life might be like in the future, if and when he was ever ready to actually commit to being a good husband.

He was still having nightmares. Every night he woke up screaming and terrified of his surroundings, and although he took comfort in Meredith's willingness to help him work through those dreams, he was constantly plagued by the thoughts of war and the fears that he would be unable to be a good husband. He now knew he was a good father. Andrew responded well to him, and he had even been able to spend a couple afternoons taking care of him alone while Meredith had gone shopping with Liz. He could do the dad thing.

But he couldn't help but feel that Meredith deserved more than his broken, fragile, self. She was amazing, she'd turned into a completely strong, amazing woman who deserved more than the shell of a man she had once loved.

In this moment, looking at her as she rocked their baby back and forth, he could feel his chest tighten at the thought of ever losing her for any reason. And while she might deserve more than him, it was quite obvious that she wanted to be with him. Maybe she would always deserve more than he could give her, but if he made her happy…he could do that. Because the only thing that he wanted more than Meredith was to make sure Andrew had everything he needed. Now that he was secure in the fact that he was a good father and his son was happy, he could focus on the other most important thing in his life.

"Do you want to go to dinner on Friday?"

Meredith turned to look at him, surprise in her eyes. She obviously hadn't been expecting him to be there, and his actual words had surprised her as well. "Ummm…sure," she said slowly. "Except I don't really know of any restaurants that are baby friendly, but I guess I can ask Addison…"

"No," Derek shook his head. "I mean, another time that would be nice. But for now, let's keep it just the two of us. We can ask Mom to watch Andrew, she won't mind."

"Oh," Meredith breathed, nodding slightly. "Okay."

"Okay," Derek repeated, ignoring the long silence that followed. Meredith turned back to Andrew's, whose eyes were now closed and his chest rising and falling slowly with the pattern of sleep. She set him gently in the crib, leaning down to kiss his forehead gently.

"It's a date, right?" she asked when she turned back to him.

Derek smiled softly as he reached for her hand. "Yes, Mer," he nodded. "It's a date."

"You're sure you're ready?" she asked, and he could see hope flashing in her eyes, masked by apprehension and fear.

"I'm sure," he nodded. "The nightmares aren't as bad as they used to be, and I just…I can't look at you and not imagine spending the rest of my life with you."

"Oh," Meredith whispered. "That's…good."

"I know we've got a lot of work to do," Derek nodded. "But I want this, Mer. I want us. That much I know."

Meredith smiled softly as she reached for his hand. "Me too," she said. "Let's go downstairs and talk?"

He followed her down to the kitchen, where she reached for the teapot and started some water boiling before she sat down beside him at the counter. "So," she said. "You're…you're feeling better about things?"

"A lot better," Derek said. "I know we haven't really been talking, but…I've been thinking a lot. And mostly about you."

"Me," Meredith repeated.

"Yes," Derek nodded. "When I first got home, everything was different, Mer. I was depressed, malnourished, thinking about all the people I saw die, all the people I…" he trailed off for a moment, his eyes glazing over. "Anyway, after the nightmares started I knew that I had to work hard to become a better person. First I wanted to learn to be a good father. Andrew's so young and helpless, and he needs us. Both of us."

"You're a wonderful father, Derek," Meredith whispered, reaching for his hand.

"I know," Derek nodded. "I really think I am. But I worked hard, to make sure that I knew how to take care of him. Diaper changes, midnight feedings…I know it's something the mother is supposed to do, but I want to help. And that's how I got to spend time with him, to figure out how to be a dad."

"You're a lot more comfortable with him now," Meredith agreed. "And I appreciate that you want to help with him. That means more than you will ever know."

"He's my son, Mer," Derek whispered. "I'll always hate that I missed your pregnancy and his birth, but…at least I can make up for it."

"You've done more than make up for it," Meredith nodded.

"And now that I feel like I'm a good father," Derek said. "I started thinking about us. How much I love you."

"I love you too," Meredith whispered, tears gathering at the corner of her eyes.

"That's the first step," Derek squeezed her hand.

The teapot began to whistle, and Meredith was silent as she stood, pouring the water into two cups and placed tea bags in each of them. She made her way back to the counter, set a cup in front of him and reclaimed her own seat, cradling her cup in her hands.

"What if it's not enough?" she whispered.

"What? Love?" Derek asked.

"Yeah," Meredith nodded. "We were good together. We were amazing together, but now…we still love each other. But what if it's not enough? What if we've grown into different people who can't work well together?"

"I hope that doesn't happen," Derek said, reaching for her hand. "Because the thought of living without you…makes me sick to my stomach. But I don't really have an answer to that question."

"So what do we do?" Meredith asked.

"We take things slow," Derek said. "Go out to dinner on Friday, maybe have some drinks after that."

Meredith giggled slightly. "Trying to seduce me, Private Shepherd?" she asked.

He laughed as he reached out to pull her closer. "If it works," he said. "But I don't want you to feel any pressure to do that. I get it if you're not ready."

"We haven't," Meredith whispered. "Since we conceived Andrew."

"It's been a long time," Derek agreed. "But I can wait, Mer."

She nodded slowly, biting on her lower lip as she looked into her teacup. He could tell that she wanted to ask him something, but wasn't sure how to, so he reached out to turn her face back towards his. "What is it, Mer?" he whispered.

"I know we were broken up," she whispered. "When you were in Europe. So it's okay if you…I'm sure you had some time to yourself or whatever, and there were probably those beautiful European girls, with large breasts and long legs…"

"Oh Mer," he sighed. "There hasn't been anyone."

Her eyes filled with relief as she looked up at him. "Really?" she asked.

"Really," he promised. "I've never been with anyone besides you, Mer. I never wanted to be. It's always been you."

"Me too," she whispered, reaching up to run her fingers through his soft hair. "Derek…I love you."

"I love you too," he whispered, leaning in to kiss her. "So much."

"Hmmm," she sighed, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck as she kissed him back. They stayed in that position for several minutes before his lungs begged for air and he was forced to pull back. Meredith smiled as she looked up at him, her eyes sparkling as he ran his fingers through her hair. "Date," she whispered.

"Date," he nodded, unable to keep the smile from spreading across his face.

XXXXX

"Alright, buddy," Derek smiled as he fastened a new diaper securely around Andrew's waist late Friday night. "Mommy and I are going to go out tonight, but don't worry. Grandma is going to be here with you, and you'll have lots of fun. She'll probably spoil you like she does with your cousins, so you have to be good for her, okay?"

Andrew smiled up at him, in response, and Derek laughed as he pulled his son to rest on his shoulder. "That is if Mommy ever gets down here," he sighed. "She's taking forever to get ready."

"And it will be entirely worth it, Derek Christopher," Carolyn said as she entered the living room. "She looks lovely."

"She always does," Derek said, looking down at his watch. "But we have reservations. Ones we may not make."

"Relax, Derek," Meredith's voice came from behind him. "I'm ready."

"Good…" Derek smiled as he turned to look at her, his eyes widening at the sight of her. She was always beautiful, he knew that much. But he'd become accustomed to seeing her in casual clothes, her hair pulled back and no make up on, not bothering to waste time with her appearances when she could be caring for her son.

Now, she was standing before him with her hair slightly curled around her shoulders, wearing a long black dress that accentuated every curve and feature of her body. Her face was covered in just enough make up to bring out her beauty, and he couldn't help the familiar heat of arousal that washed over him at the sight of her.

"Derek?" she frowned, stepping closer to her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he cleared his throat slightly, his eyes still glued to her figure. "You look…so incredible."

"Thanks," she breathed, her cheeks heating. "I was afraid it would be too much."

"Definitely not," Derek shook his head. "You look perfect."

"So do you," she smiled, taking in his suit. "I love that shirt."

"I remember," he nodded.

Meredith held his gaze for a moment before she reached for Andrew. "Alright sweetheart, you need to be good for Grandma, okay?" she whispered.

"We'll be just fine," Carolyn said. "He'll have lots of fun with his aunts and I."

"He should go down in about half an hour," Meredith said. "I put his pajamas out on our bed, and there are extra diapers there too, but Derek just changed him so he shouldn't need a new one. Make sure you put him on his stomach, but he's been flipping over so you need to make sure he stays there…"

"Meredith, dear, we'll be fine," Carolyn promised. "I know everything I need to."

"Okay," Meredith breathed. "I just…I've never been away from him for this long. But we should be back in two or three hours."

"Actually," Derek cleared his throat, stepping closer to her. "We won't be back until the morning."

"What?" Meredith frowned, turning to look up at him. "What are you talking about?"

"I thought you could use a night of spoiling," Derek murmured. "You carried my baby and gave birth and I never even said thank you. So we're spending the night alone, where you can soak in a bath, order room service…whatever you want."

"Derek, that's sweet," she said softly. "But I…I don't think I can leave Andrew alone all night. He needs me."

"We'll be fine, Meredith," Carolyn promised. "You deserve a night to yourself. You two have fun now, and I'll see you in the morning."

"But…" Meredith frowned as Derek tugged on her arm. "Derek, you should have told me. I don't…I don't know if I'm ready for this."

"We don't have to do anything, Mer," he said. "But you deserve a night to be Meredith. Not Mommy. That's it. I'm not asking you for anything besides a dinner date."

She smiled softly. "Okay," she whispered.

"Okay," Derek said, turning back to his mother. "Thanks so much, Mom. We appreciate it more than anything."

"It's my pleasure," Carolyn said. "Have fun."

"We will," Derek said, kissing her cheek before he pressed a kiss to the top of Andrew's head. "I love you buddy. We'll be back when you wake up."

"Bye sweetheart," Meredith whispered, taking him back into her arms. "Grandma will be here, so don't be scared. Daddy and I will be back first thing in the morning."

"Say goodbye to Mommy and Daddy," Carolyn said, taking Andrew from Meredith and heading towards the stairs. "Now let's go so they will actually leave instead of taking an hour to say goodbye."

"Bye Andrew," Meredith whispered, her eyes trained on her son until Carolyn had disappeared from view.

"You okay?" Derek frowned as he took in Meredith's worried expression.

"Yeah," she said. "I'm sorry. Let's go."

"He'll be fine," Derek promised as he took her hand. "And tonight…we're working on us."

"Us," Meredith repeated, leaning into him as he led her to the car. "Derek?"

"Hmm?" he opened her car door for her.

"In case I forget to tell you later…I had a really great time tonight."

He laughed as he leaned in to kiss her. "Me too," he said.

XXXXX

"That was the best chocolate cake I've ever had," Meredith breathed an hour and a half later as she swallowed the last bite of cake and set her fork on the plate.

"Don't worry, I won't tell Mom you said that," Derek smirked.

"Shut up," she giggled. "How was the lemon cheesecake?"

"Obviously not as good as the cake," Derek said. "But I enjoyed it."

"Good," she smiled. "Thanks for this, Derek. I had the best time…since I can remember."

"Me too," he agreed, reaching for her hand. "Ready to get out of here?"

"Definitely," she nodded. Derek quickly signaled the waiter and paid for their meal, then stood and reached for her hand again. She linked their fingers together as they walked out of the restaurant, the cool summer evening washing over their skin. They were silent as they made their way across the street to their hotel, simply enjoying each other's company and anticipating the rest of the evening that was still ahead of them. Derek checked them into the hotel, and Meredith buried her face in his shoulder, trying to ignore the pointed looks the clerk gave to their empty ring fingers. She'd become accustomed to getting stared at and judged when she'd been pregnant, but she still didn't like it. But Derek loved her, they both loved their baby, and that was all she needed from life right now.

"Here we go," he murmured, unlocking the door and ushering her into the room. She smiled as she set her bag down on the table by the door, then reached to take her gloves off as well. The room was small, but cozy. A large canopy bed sat in the opposite corner of the room, and a couch faced a large picture window that looked over a small lake, shining in the moonlight. To her left was the bathroom, where she could see a large tub, big enough to fit two people.

"It's beautiful," she whispered.

"I'm glad you like it," he murmured. "Like I said before, Mer, tonight is about you. Take a bath, relax in bed…do whatever you want to. I don't want to pressure you for anything you're not ready for."

She smiled as she turned to face him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. "What if I said I am ready?" she whispered.

"I wouldn't want to deny you anything you want," he murmured, his own hands going to her hips.

"I want you," she whispered. "But I…I had a baby."

"I know," Derek smiled, leaning down to press his lips against her neck. "And I need to thank you properly for that."

"No, Derek," she breathed, tugging on his hair and bringing his head back up to meet his eyes. "I had a baby. I look different. I'm trying hard to get back to normal, but I…I just want you to know that I'm different. And it's okay if you see me and decide you don't want to…"

"Meredith," he whispered. "You're beautiful. And that's never going to change. I love you so much, and I want to see you. I want to make love to you."

"Okay," she smiled, pushing his jacket over his shoulders. "We're us again, Derek. I can feel it."

"Me too," he whispered, leaning in to kiss her deeply as his fingers went to the zipper on her dress. They undressed each other slowly, taking time to kiss and caress each other where it mattered, until finally she was left in her bra and panties and he was left in his own underwear.

"Derek," she whispered, stepping out of his arms to move closer to the bed, shedding the last of her clothing as she did so. "Please."

"Oh, Mer," he swallowed hard, stepping out of his underwear and moving back to her, easing her onto her back on the bed as he kissed her deeply. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," she breathed.

"You look amazing," he sighed, pressing a series of kisses down to her stomach, nipping gently at the skin that was still looser than it had been the last time he had seen her like this.

"Derek," she gasped, her hands going to his hair as her hips moved against his. "I need you. Please."

"Yes," he sighed, moving back up to her and locking eyes with her as he positioned himself against her. "Are you okay?"

"Perfect," she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Please, Derek."

He slowly inched himself inside of her, feeling her body contract as he let his body mold against hers in the most passionate of ways. She shifted slightly for a moment and he stopped, looking down at her in concern. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she gasped. "Just…give me a minute."

"You're tight," he whispered.

"You feel…bigger," she breathed, and he could feel her body begin to relax. "Amazing…Derek."

"You know what I like to hear," Derek smiled, pushing all the way into her and pausing to take in the feeling. "Meredith…"

"Derek," she sighed. "Please…I need…move, please."

"Hmmm," he sighed, moving out of her before gently thrusting back in, gently moving in and out of her in a rhythm that built both of their pleasures to the maximum. He lasted much longer than usual, taking in every movement, every feeling of Meredith contracting around him, every groan of pleasure and soft cry she emitted. This was amazing, and he wanted to remember every second.

"Derek!" she cried as her body began to contract. "Yes…oh, yes!"

"Meredith!" he let his own shout echo hers as they both let go, their orgasms coming at the same time and allowing them to give into the pleasure that had been building since they'd landed in the bed.

"Wow," Meredith whispered, letting a hand fall into Derek's hair as he collapsed on top of her, burying his face between her breasts.

"Wow," he agreed.

"Thank you," she whispered. "I love you."

He smiled as he raised his head to meet her eyes. "I love you too," he whispered. "Forever?"

"Forever," she promised.


	32. Chapter 32

"Meredith…Mer, it's time to wake up."

She groaned loudly and waved a hand absently at the annoying voice tickling her ear. "Go away."

"It's morning," Derek laughed, and a moment later his hand came to rest on her hip, moving over to her stomach. "Wake up."

"No."

"But Andrew and I made you breakfast."

"Andrew's five months old," Meredith groaned. "I'd rather sleep than eat anything he tried to make."

"Meredith," his lips brushed against her cheek. "I made pancakes. Andrew wants to say happy birthday."

Meredith sighed dramatically as she turned over, finally opening her eyes to look at him. She was met with two sets of deep blue eyes and she couldn't help but grin at the sight. Waking up to her son and…whatever Derek was to her was definitely her favorite way to start a day. "Morning."

"Morning," Derek said, leaning in to kiss her softly. "Happy birthday."

"Thanks," Meredith giggled, reaching for Andrew. "Hi sweetheart."

"He says happy birthday too," Derek said, turning to his dresser and reaching for a tray full of pancakes. "Here we go."

"Yummy," Meredith giggled, settling Andrew into her side and reaching for a fork with her other hand. "I could get used to getting spoiled like this."

Derek smiled as he leaned forward to kiss her, his tongue flicking out to pick up some syrup that had dropped onto her bottom lip. "This is just the beginning," he promised. "We have a whole day planned."

"A day?" Meredith asked. "Don't you have to work?"

"Took it off," Derek shrugged. "This is a big day, Mer. You're not a teenager anymore."

"I guess I'm not," she sighed, leaning back into the pillows. "So what exactly do these plans include?"

"That," Derek smiled as he leaned in to kiss her again. "Is for us to know and you to find out. Later."

"But it's my birthday," Meredith pouted.

"And the pouting is adorable," Derek laughed. "I now know where Andrew gets it from. And neither one of us are talking."

Meredith sighed dramatically, but didn't protest as she reached for more pancakes. Derek ate with her in silence, both of them watching Andrew as he moved around the bed.

"Derek?" her soft voice interrupted their comfortable silence after a few moments.

"Hmmmm?" he asked.

"You were in England for your last birthday," she whispered. "What did you do?"

"Oh," Derek swallowed hard. "I fought. And then some of the guys in my squadron took me out for beers. Nothing special."

Meredith nodded slowly. "It's weird, isn't it?" she asked.

"What?" Derek frowned, trying to follow her thought process.

"That we were forced to be adults while we were still teenagers," Meredith said. "I was here having a baby and you were fighting in Europe…the last year has felt more like ten, and it seems like we're older than twenty."

"That's a good thing, Mer," he said softly. "Lots of time to make up for the year we lost."

Meredith smiled softly. "You're already well on your way to making up for that," she whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too," he smiled. "We have our entire lives ahead of us, Mer."

"I know," she smiled. "And I don't think I'll ever take our life for granted."

"We came close to not having this," Derek sighed, reaching for Andrew before the baby toppled over the edge of the bed. "And this little guy will need some company."

"Eventually," Meredith said firmly. "Not anytime soon."

"Eventually," Derek agreed. "Are you done with breakfast?"

"Yes," she smiled sweetly. "What's next?"

"Next I clean up," Derek said, reaching for the tray. "While you get dressed."

"Where are we going?"

"Surprise."

"But I have to know what to wear," Meredith said. "There are very specific codes of dress for proper young ladies such as myself, you know."

"That is disturbing," Derek frowned. "Never say anything like that again."

"It was worth a try," Meredith sighed.

"No offense, but you've never been a proper young lady," Derek said, leaning in to press his forehead against hers. "And that's one of the many reasons I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered.

He kissed her softly before turning to leave the room, leaving Meredith alone to get dressed, Andrew occupied by some blocks in the corner of the room. She moved towards her closet, unable to stop the smile from stretching across her face. In the past two months since she and Derek had officially gotten back together, things had changed drastically, for the better. His nightmares were almost gone for good, and he had changed back into the Derek she had known before his father had died. He was laughing more, making jokes, and always seemed to want to be touching her and Andrew. He worked hard as a recruiting agent, but came home for lunch with her every day, and spent at least an hour with Andrew after dinner every night.

But as much as she loved that he was back to his old self, there was something new about him also. He seemed to have a new appreciation for his life, and wanted to make the most out of every day, every moment. Even his sisters and his mother had noticed his newfound excitement for life, and although she sometimes got irritated with the constant brightness, she remembered that she would have much preferred the cheesiness to the depression that had overcome him when he had first returned.

"Ba!" Andrew shouted from the corner, and Meredith smiled as she fastened the last of her shirt buttons and turned to pick up her son. "So what does Daddy have planned, baby?" she asked.

"Ba sa," Andrew laughed, reaching to tug on her hair. Meredith giggled, amazed at how quickly her son was developing into a real person. At five months old, he was starting to talk more, although he had yet to utter any real words. And he was constantly moving, crawling through the entire house before anyone even realized he was gone.

"Come on," Meredith smiled, reaching for the diaper bag. "Let's see what Daddy's got planned."

"Ready?" Derek asked, appearing in the hallway and reaching for the diaper bag.

"Yes," Meredith nodded. "Where are we going?"

"For a walk," Derek said.

"A walk?" Meredith asked.

"Yes, a walk," Derek nodded. "Is that alright?"

"Have I ever told you that you're really frustrating?" Meredith asked, following him out the front door and towards the sidewalk.

"Yes," he laughed, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her closer as they walked. "Several times."

"Well consider adding another time to that list," Meredith sighed. "Seriously, Derek, where are we going?"

"Just trust me, Mer," he said. She fell silent, trying to figure out what was in the direction where he was leading her. As far as she knew, there wasn't anything within walking distance besides more residences, but she could be wrong.

"I got a letter from Columbia," Derek said, breaking into her thoughts.

"You did," she asked, turning to look at him and momentarily forgetting about their destination. "What did they say?"

"They got the payment," Derek murmured. "And I just got the rest of my G.I. Bill. I'm going back to school."

"Derek, that's amazing!" she breathed, stopping on the sidewalk to pull him into a tight one armed hug. "You're going to be a doctor."

"I'm going to be a doctor," Derek laughed, kissing the side of her head softly. "And we're here."

Meredith frowned as she pulled apart from him, looking around at their surroundings. "Where?" she asked.

"Your birthday present," he smiled. "Or…part of it."

"But we're just in a neighborhood," Meredith frowned.

Derek grinned as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a key ring, a single key dangling from it.

"Derek," she breathed, her eyes widening. "What did you do?"

"This," Derek smiled, turning her to look at a large, brown clapboard house in front of them. "Is our house. If you like it."

"You…bought a house?" Meredith asked.

"Not yet," Derek said. "I made an offer, but I'll revoke it if you don't like the house. I wanted to surprise you."

"I'm…definitely surprised," she said. "Can we go inside?"

"Of course," Derek smiled, taking her hand and leading her up the driveway. "It's a four bedroom, with a living room, dining room and a kitchen. The basement is also ready to be turned into a family room or an office, whatever we want it to be."

"Derek," she gasped as he opened the front door. "This is…amazing."

"I thought you'd like it," he smiled. "And you know what the best part is?"

"What?" she asked.

He smirked as he leaned in close to her. "The master bathroom has a bathtub big enough for two."

She rolled her eyes but couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face. "I have to look around," she said, handing Andrew to him. "Watch him?"

"Of course," Derek laughed, following her into the kitchen.

She looked around the entire house, running her hands over the smooth countertop of the kitchen and smiling at the generous size of each bedroom on the second floor. She was impressed by the automatic washer and dryer in the corner of the basement that would make a perfect playroom, and she loved the porch off of the back of the kitchen.

"What do you think?" Derek asked, setting Andrew down on the porch as she settled onto the swing to look out over the extensive backyard.

"It's perfect," she breathed. "But…can we afford it?"

"We can with my G.I. Bill," Derek nodded, threading his fingers through hers. "There's enough room for whoever else comes along."

"And it's close to Mom," Meredith nodded. "But you don't want us to move to the city while you're at Columbia?"

"Andrew's going to start school before I'm done with med school," Derek said. "I want him to have the best education possible and he'll get that here, not in the city. The extra commute is worth it to me."

Meredith nodded slowly. "Okay," she whispered. "Let's take it."

"Before you make up your mind for sure," Derek said with a smile. "There's one more thing I want you to see."

"What?" Meredith asked.

Derek scooped Andrew into his arms and led Meredith back inside, stopping in the kitchen. "I want to make sure you can open the cabinet in the corner," he said. "The realtor said it sticks sometimes."

"I'm sure you can fix it," Meredith rolled her eyes as she reached for the handle anyways. "It's not exactly a selling point."

"Just open it," Derek said, watching her carefully.

Meredith opened her mouth to say something, but her jaw dropped when the cabinet opened easily, causing her to stumble backwards slightly; she'd put more effort into opening the cabinet than was necessary. But when she stepped closer again, she could see a small, purple velvet box sitting by itself in the middle of the cabinet. "Derek," she breathed.

"I want to marry you, Meredith," he whispered, and suddenly he was beside her, his hands resting on her hips. "Be my wife?"

With shaking hands she reached for the ring box and cracked it open, tears pricking her eyes as she looked into the large stone that looked somewhat familiar. "Of course I'll marry you," she whispered.

"Yes?" Derek asked, reaching for the ring and slipping it onto her finger.

"Yes," she nodded. "Of course."

"Oh Mer," Derek sighed, leaning in to kiss her as he slipped the ring onto her finger. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," she breathed, holding her hand up to the light. "This is…Derek, this ring is amazing."

"It's Mom's," Derek admitted softly.

"Mom's?" Meredith asked. "Why…I didn't think she would ever give this up. I don't want her to not have a wedding ring."

"My dad promised me that I could give this to you when we were ready," Derek whispered. "And I'm ready. So I asked Mom, and she was more than happy to give it to me."

"Thank you," Meredith whispered, tears filling her eyes. "I love it."

"I love you so much," Derek breathed.

"I love you too," she sighed, a smile coming across her face. "I've wanted this for so long."

"Me too," Derek whispered. "Mrs. Shepherd."

"Oh," Meredith giggled slightly. "That sounds…amazing."

"It really does," Derek laughed, tightening his arms around her. "Happy birthday, soon to be Mrs. Shepherd."


	33. Chapter 33

Derek Shepherd had never felt more alone in his life.

Seated in the library of the church he had grown up in, Andrew seated on the floor flipping through a worn Bible, Derek found himself completely terrified and ready for the next half hour to pass as quickly as possible.

The last six months had flown by. Derek had started school again, resuming his position as a student to continue his quest to become a doctor. Meredith had spent her time packing their few belongings to move into their new house, realizing that they didn't have any actual furniture, cooking utensils, or really any living essentials of their own, and decorating their house to make sure it felt like a home. She'd done an amazing job, and everything from the large, fluffy couch in the living room to the large mahogany desk she'd bought for his basement office was completely them, and he loved their house more than anything.

Addison and Carolyn had been more than happy to help Meredith plan the wedding, and now the day was finally here. His sisters and mother were helping Meredith dress, and his two brothers in law were acting as ushers and escorting the guests to their seats. And Derek was alone with his son, who he loved more than life himself. But Andrew was unable to really calm down Derek's nerves about the ceremony. And now Derek found himself missing his father and Mark more than he had in a long time.

Mark would have been his best man. And while he wouldn't have taken the job too seriously, Derek would give almost anything to have him here right now, making rude jokes about the wedding night and offering him an escape car and a flask. It would be a good distraction from the butterflies that were flying through Derek's stomach at the moment.

His father would surely be down here with him as well. Michael Shepherd would have been a much more rational presence, offering Derek some meaningful story about how nervous he had been on the day that he had married his mother. He would have been talking about how amazing Meredith was and offered some advice about how to be a good husband.

"Dada!" Andrew shouted from the corner, and Derek smiled as he sat down on the ground beside his son, who looked completely adorable in a miniature tuxedo.

"Hey buddy," he smiled. "You excited for today? You've got to make sure you look nice and handsome when you walk Grandma down the aisle."

"Gama," Andrew nodded seriously. His son was almost a year old, and looked more like him every day.

"Grandma," Derek nodded. "She's going to take care of you for a whole week. Mommy and I are going to spend the week in the city, just the two of us." They had considered going away for their honeymoon, but had then decided that they wouldn't do anything outside of the hotel, so they had rented a honeymoon suite in the city for a week.

There was a soft knock on the door, and he looked up to see Liz enter the room, her hair piled on top of her head and dressed in a light green dress that fell to just above her ankles. "Derbear," she smiled. "Are you ready?"

"I am," Derek smiled, reaching for Andrew before he stood. "How's Mer?"

"Impatient," Liz rolled her eyes. "She doesn't understand why we can't just start."

"That's my Mer," Derek laughed, reaching down to straighten Andrew's tiny tuxedo bow. "But we're almost ready?"

"Yeah, we'll take Andrew," Liz said, reaching for her nephew. "You're sure that you don't want a best man? One of the guys will be more than happy to step in…"

"I'm sure," Derek nodded. "I know it's not traditional, but…Mark's the only one I would have wanted. I want to leave the position open for him. Mer gets it."

"I know," Liz nodded. "But…I guess I'll see you in the church then."

"See you there," Derek said, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "You look beautiful, Lizzie."

"Thanks," Liz blushed slightly. "Good luck, Derbear."

Derek nodded as he made his way to the entrance of the sanctuary, beside the minister. He glanced into the chapel as he waited, wincing slightly at the amount of people inside. Neither he or Meredith had been particularly excited about having such a large wedding, but it had been important to Carolyn that they have a proper wedding. And she had done so much for the two of them, they couldn't say no. So while he wasn't exactly keen on sharing his most personal thoughts about the woman he loved in front of everyone he had ever met, it was worth it for his mother. He'd put her through a lot of concern and worry in the past year, and it was all he could do to give her the wedding she wanted for him.

He briefly wondered if the Greys had shown up. Meredith had debated for months about whether to invite her parents. Apparently they had come to see Andrew while she was in the hospital, but that had been the only contact she'd had with them in the past year, despite the fact that they still lived across the street from Carolyn. She'd finally decided to invite them to the wedding, but they hadn't returned their response card. Meredith hadn't seemed too upset about it, but part of him hoped that they had shown up, for everyone's sake; parents shouldn't miss their daughter's wedding day, no matter how estranged the two parties had become, and Meredith had at least a few pleasant childhood memories that included the two of them. She deserved to have them there.

His military uniform felt stifling and itchy against his skin, and he reached up to adjust the collar slightly, hoping to feel some kind of relief from the choking feeling against his neck. And as he waited for the music to start up to cue his entrance, he glanced at the ceiling and closed his eyes allowing himself to fall back into a memory.

_He entered his house after a long baseball practice, exhausted after being pushed to the limit in every way. He was hot, tired, and hungry, and he rolled his eyes as he heard the radio blaring from the living room. He knew his parents were at a parent teacher conference for Amelia, so he would have to warm up some leftovers, and the last thing he wanted to do was listen to the horrible music his sisters listened to while he prepared dinner._

"_Liz!" he shouted, dropping his bag onto the ground by the door. "Turn that down!"_

"_No!" Liz cried. "We're celebrating!"_

"_Celebrating what…" Derek's voice trailed off as he stopped in the doorway of the living room, completely looking past his sister as he saw Meredith sitting on the floor, her hair falling around her shoulders as she looked down at the record sleeves in front of her. She was smiling softly, and the sunlight reflected off of her hair as she looked up to meet his eyes. _

"_Hi Derek," she laughed. "We just found out that Liz got onto the cheerleading squad, so we went shopping for records to celebrate."_

"_Oh," he nodded, unable to take his eyes off of her. She was completely beautiful, and he wasn't sure why he had never realized that before._

"_Are you okay?" she frowned, dropping the record she was holding. "You look weird."_

"_I'm fine," he nodded, his eyes still locked on hers._

"_Good," Meredith said, flashing him a soft smile, their gaze held for a moment longer. And it was in that moment that he fell in love with Meredith Grey._

"Here we go, Derek," the minister said with a friendly smile. "Good luck."

"Thanks," Derek said, taking in a deep breath as he returned to the present, folding his hands in front of him as he followed the minister to the front of the church. His eyes were trained on the back of the chapel as the soft music began to play. He couldn't help the grin that spread across his face as he watched Andrew toddle down the aisle, his hand held tightly in Carolyn's. His son was nothing if not adorable.

Addison then made her way down the aisle, followed by each of his sisters. And then it was the moment that Derek had been waiting five years for, a moment that he thought might not ever come. The doors were pulled open, and Meredith was revealed to him, looking breathtakingly beautiful in a soft white wedding gown. The dress was simple, not too much lace or too long of a train like he had feared. Meredith had fought with his sisters for weeks about the dress, and Kathleen had even refused to come over to the house for a week and a half because Meredith had said she didn't want a train. But apparently Meredith had won that battle, and he was glad she had. She looked absolutely amazing as she made her way towards him, and all of a sudden he was finding it hard to breathe.

This was it. He'd waited for this moment for years, and now he was only moments away from making Meredith his wife.

XXXXX

She moaned slightly as she opened her lips slightly, letting her tongue duel gently with her husband's as he pushed her against the wall, his hands moving over her hips.

"Husband," she breathed against his lips. "We're married."

"We are," Derek laughed, his mouth leaving hers as he trailed his mouth down her neck. "Forever."

"I have a husband," Meredith sighed. "I'm your wife."

"You're an amazing wife," Derek murmured. "Mrs. Shepherd."

Meredith sighed as she pulled him back up to her, draping her arms over his shoulders as she looked into his eyes. "We're married." She couldn't stop saying the words.

"Married," Derek nodded. "I…there was a time when I thought we would never get this. I was scared we wouldn't."

"Me too," Meredith admitted softly. "But we did it."

"And now we have the reception," Derek sighed.

"Do we have to go?" Meredith whispered, leaning forward to take his earlobe into her mouth, gently nibbling and sucking on the soft skin. "You know how much I love a man in a military uniform."

"If you keep doing that," Derek cleared his throat. "I don't think there will be any turning back. That feels…so good."

Meredith giggled as she pulled away from him. "We have all week," she said. "Just hold out for a few more hours."

"That's…easier said than done," Derek said, reaching out to finger the silk of her wedding dress. "You look incredible."

"Thanks," Meredith blushed slightly. "It's a little…more than I wanted, but your sisters wanted me to wear some kind of gown, and…this is the compromise."

"It's perfect," Derek smiled. "As soon as I got over how beautiful you look…all I wanted to do was rip it off of you."

"There will be no ripping, Derek Shepherd," she said firmly.

"Whatever you say," he nodded, before a smirk appeared on his lips. "Meredith Shepherd."

Meredith looked at him for a moment before she lunged at him again, pressing her lips against his with more passion than had been present the moment before. "Maybe we can be fast?" she asked, her hands moving to his belt.

"Mer," he groaned, rocking his hips against hers and groaning in frustration when there was a knock at the door. "Damn it."

"Tonight," she promised, pulling apart from him and straightening her dress. "All night."

"Meredith? Derek?" Carolyn slowly opened the door and smiled widely as she took in the two of them, hands tightly interlocked as they stepped out of the room. "We have someone who wants to say congratulations."

"Mama!" Andrew shouted, struggling in Amelia's arms as soon as he saw his parents. "Mama! Da!"

"Hi sweetheart," Meredith giggled as she reached for her son. "You are definitely the best looking man in the church today."

"I think I'm offended," Derek frowned.

Meredith laughed, but reached for her husband's hand anyways. "You knew going into this that you're my number two," she said.

"The words every man wants to hear on his wedding day," Derek sighed.

"Here Andrew," Meredith smiled as she handed him over to Derek. "Help your father feel better."

"He kept me company this morning," Derek laughed. "And I think you're right, he is the best looking man in the wedding party."

Carolyn cleared her throat as she stepped forward, smiling softly at the newly married couple. "I have something for you," she said softly.

"Mom," Derek frowned. "You didn't need to get us anything. You've done so much for both of us, there's nothing we can do to even begin to make it up to you."

"Derek's right," Meredith said. "After the past year…you don't need to get anything for us."

"I wanted to," Carolyn nodded. "Now I know that things have been done a bit backwards, but this is tradition. On my wedding day, my mother in law presented me with this." From her bag, she pulled an iron Celtic knot, a wall decoration that Meredith recognized from the Shepherds' front hall. "It was handed down from her mother in law. It's been tradition in the Shepherd family for generations, since before Michael's grandparents came over from Ireland."

"Carolyn," Meredith whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "Are you sure?"

"Of course, sweetheart," Carolyn smiled. "You may have officially become part of the family today, but realistically…you've been a Shepherd for years. And I want you to be part of our traditions. But you have to promise me that on Andrew's wedding day you will present this Celtic knot to his bride. It brings good luck to new homes."

"Thank you," Meredith whispered. "For this and just…for everything. You've done so much for me, and you've been a better mother to me than my own mom. So thank you."

"It's been my pleasure," Carolyn said, reaching forward to embrace her new daughter in law. "I love you both so much."

"Gama!" Andrew shouted from Derek's arms, a frown on his face.

"And you, my little angel," Carolyn laughed, taking him back into her arms. "Are the one I love the most."

"I'm a little concerned that everyone seems to love my son more than me," Derek sighed as he pulled his wife into his arms.

"Derek isn't getting enough attention," Meredith giggled, resting her head against his shoulder.

"Derek never gets enough attention," Liz laughed. "He thinks everyone should talk about him all the time."

"This is why you're my favorite sister," Derek said, causing the other three to groan in response.

"Don't be mean to your sisters, dear," Carolyn said automatically.

"Mom, I'm a grown man. I don't need you lecturing me," Derek teased.

"Excuse me, young man?"

"I mean…even though I'm married and have a son of my own you can always tell me what to do," Derek corrected himself.

"That's better," Carolyn smiled. "The photographer is waiting to take pictures."

"We'll be right there," Meredith smiled, tightening her arms around Derek. "We just need one more moment."

"Of course," Carolyn nodded. "We'll meet you upstairs."

Derek smiled as Meredith pulled him back into the bride's room, wrapping her arms tightly around him. "I love you so much," she whispered.

"I love you too," he breathed.

"I thought I'd lost you and I thought…I never thought I could be this happy. But you're here. You're here and we're married and I don't think I've ever been this happy."

"Me either," Derek whispered. "We have it all, Mer. Our lives are just beginning. And it's going to be amazing. Maybe a little scary, but from now on, it's us together. No matter what."

"Together," Meredith repeated, a smile spreading across her features. "My new favorite word."


	34. Chapter 34

Meredith smiled as she looked out into her backyard, happy to see that her three youngest children were still completely entertained by the swing set that Derek and Andrew had spent the past weekend putting up. The older children had been somewhat bitter, demanding to know why they hadn't had a swing set growing up, but a quick reminder of the trip to the Jersey Shore they had taken every summer had quieted them all down. No one wanted to miss out again this summer.

The past seventeen years had flown by. The country had changed more than she had thought possible, with the war ending on Andrew's fourth birthday and the country plummeting into a brand new frame of mind; victory. Now, with the election coming up in November and the promise of a renewed future since Senator Kennedy was elected as president, all seemed to be hopeful for a bright new future for the country.

Her and Derek's life had been amazingly…normal. They'd gone through their share of drama before Andrew had even been born it seemed, because their life had gone by with hardly any problems at all. Derek had completed college and medical school and worked hard to prove himself one of the most established neurosurgeons in the state of New York, and she had been happy to work as a volunteer nurse occasionally, when her children hadn't needed her.

They had long ago discovered that their almost daily love making combined with whatever it was in the Shepherd DNA that made them reproduce more than normal people ended up with them having more children than they had actually planned on. The current total was seven, starting with an eighteen year old Andrew, sixteen year old Meg, fifteen year old Julie, twelve year old Jack, eight year old Gabrielle, and twin five year olds Eric and Matt. They had never anticipated having this many children, but it was perfect. Each of their children had their own unique personality, and she loved each of them in a completely different but equally amazing way.

"Isn't dinner ready yet?" Julie frowned as she walked into the kitchen, holding a pile of records in her hands.

"Be patient Jules," Derek said, peering into the oven to check the turkey. "About another fifteen minutes."

"But I told Lucy we'd go to the movies tonight," Julie frowned. "We'll miss the showing if we don't eat now."

"It's Thanksgiving," Meredith replied as she scooped the mashed potatoes into a bowl. "No one is going anywhere."

"Mom, that's so not fair!" Julie cried. "Daddy…"

"Your mother's right," Derek nodded, handing his daughter a basket of rolls. "Go put these on the table."

"Ugh!" Julie cried, turning on her heel and storming into the dining room.

"There's the teenage girl we all know and love," Meredith sighed.

"You were never that girl," Derek frowned. "Where did she get it from?"

"I totally was that girl," Meredith laughed. "You don't know how many times I climbed out my bedroom window after being sent to dinner without supper."

"You what?" Derek frowned.

"I was a hundred times worse with my parents," Meredith shrugged. "But it was worth it when I got to eat dinner with your family."

Derek pressed a quick kiss to her lips. "Definitely worth it," he nodded. "But we're moving Julie's room to the attic so she can't do any climbing."

"She's fine," Meredith said. "We'll just ask Meg to talk some sense into her."

"Julie has been spending way too much time with Amelia," Derek sighed. "I knew my sisters would find a way to torment me even after we didn't live in the same house anymore."

"You love your sisters," Meredith laughed.

"I know," Derek said. "I miss them."

"Me too," Meredith admitted softly. Thanksgiving was usually celebrated at Carolyn's, but this year the matriarch of the Shepherd family was visiting Liz in Virginia, helping with the new baby that had made her way into the world three days before. "It's kind of nice though. Just our family."

"It is," Derek nodded. "Want me to bring in the troops?"

"You know you're not in the military anymore," Meredith giggled, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Sometimes it feels like it," Derek laughed. "There are too many kids in this house."

"That is so not my fault," Meredith giggled.

"Right, because you told me to stop every time we were conceiving one of them," Derek laughed.

"Exactly."

"I love you."

"I love you too," she smiled, kissing him deeply.

"Oh gross!" Jack's voice came from the doorway. "If you burn the turkey Julie's going to have a tantrum."

"She'll have a tantrum no matter what," Meredith sighed. "Will you go outside and get your sister and brothers inside?"

"Sure Mom."

"Julie," Derek smiled as she walked back into the kitchen. "Can you go tell Andrew and Meg that dinner's ready?"

"And actually go upstairs," Meredith interjected. "Don't yell their names from here."

Julie rolled her eyes and turned towards the stairs, and Derek turned to smile at his wife. "You know our daughter," he said.

"That I do," she shook her head. "She'll get over it."

"I hope so," Derek said. "I'm still having trouble with the fact that Andrew is in college."

"It feels like yesterday that it was us," Meredith sighed. She had never finished her college education, and although sometimes she regretted that fact, she knew that it had been worth it.

"You can always go back if you want," Derek offered, following her into the dining room with a bottle of wine.

"I know," Meredith smiled, reaching for his hand. She was still amazed at how easily he could read her mind. "Maybe when the boys start school."

"You have an amazing mind, Mer," Derek murmured. "I want to make sure the world knows that."

"I'll think about it."

"Good," Derek said, kissing her softly before he turned to walk back into the kitchen.

Meredith smiled as she settled herself at her seat at the long dining room table. She watched her children trickle into the room, dressed in their best dinner clothes and felt a sudden wave of emotion wash over her. Twenty years ago, she'd sat at Thanksgiving with her parents, pregnant with Andrew and broken up with Derek, sure that her life was over. She'd been so scared that Thanksgiving, not knowing how her parents would have reacted, and not knowing if her baby would ever even meet his father.

Now, however, she had everything that she could ever have hoped for. She and Derek were happy and knew to cherish every moment of their life together. Perhaps it was because they knew how much they had almost lost, or perhaps it was because they had worked hard to build a life for their large family, but she was so grateful that they had finally been able to get everything they had ever wanted and not take it for granted.

"Alright," Derek cleared his throat as he settled into his own seat across the table from Meredith. "I'll say the blessing."

Meredith smiled as she reached for Andrew's hand on her left and Gabrielle's on her right, bowing her head as Derek began to pray aloud. He said a quick, formal prayer of gratitude and thanks, and she smiled as she squeezed Andrew's hand tightly when she looked back up to meet the gaze of her family.

"I'll start with what I'm grateful for," Jack said from his place. "I'm grateful that Andrew's home for a whole week to watch me play football."

Meredith smiled softly as she watched her oldest son reach out to pat his little brother on the back. Jack had looked up to Andrew his whole life.

"I'm grateful for my baseball scholarship," Andrew said. "And that college is going well and that I can work hard to be a good doctor."

"I'm grateful for Gracie," Gabrielle said, referring to the family's new black Labrador puppy who was the youngest girl's best friend.

"I'm grateful for worms!" Matt yelled, causing his twin to laugh loudly.

"Matthew Christopher Shepherd," Derek warned.

"Sorry Daddy," Matt sighed. "I'm grateful for being in the best reading group at school."

"I'm grateful for the Beatles," Julie announced. Meredith offered her a warning glare, and she sighed deeply. "And…I know that I can be a pain a lot, but I'm glad that I have such good siblings and parents who care about me."

Derek and Meredith shared a triumphant gaze. Their daughter had been giving them a run for their money for the past year or so, but she was still a Shepherd, grateful for her large, loud family.

"I'm grateful that the school finally approved a girl's track team," Meg, the female jock of the family, announced.

"I'm grateful for books," Eric concluded. He had started reading by himself earlier than any of his siblings, and it was often difficult to pull a book out of his hands.

"Now it's my turn," Meredith said. "I'm grateful for each and every one of you. You've…made my life so full and so fun, and I am grateful for that in ways that you will never know. After the way I grew up, I wanted to make sure that I gave my family a happy home environment and raise my children well. You have each done me proud by turning into amazing people. But most of all…I am just grateful that we even have the opportunity to be here and that all of you are here."

Andrew smiled as he reached out to squeeze her hand. He was the only one of their children who knew just how close Derek had come to never returning from the war. The rest knew that he was a veteran, but didn't know about how he had missed Andrew's birth because he'd been a prisoner of war.

"I'm also very grateful to be here," Derek echoed his wife. "There was a time…well, when I was fighting it wasn't exactly easy to picture being here, surrounded by amazing children and feeling successful in my life. So I'm grateful that I can be here. And I'm very thankful for each of you. You are all going to do so much good in the world, and I can't wait to see how you're all going to prove yourselves. And I'm grateful for your mother. None of us would be here without her quiet strength and amazing compassion."

Meredith smiled softly, swallowing hard to stop the tears from coming. "Let's cut this turkey," she finally said softly.

The room erupted into chaos as Derek moved to carve the turkey and all the children began shouting for various dishes to be past their way. Meredith simply leaned back in her seat, allowing herself to bask in the warmth of her family, grateful that even over the bickering and yelling, her eyes could meet her husband's and she could feel nothing but love radiating throughout the room.

They finally had it all, and they were never going to let it go.

**Okay...so yeah. This story has taken a completely different direction than I originally planned, but I'm super proud of it. I know there was a lot more that I could have done with this, but honestly, I told the story that I wanted to tell. There are so many different stories that I want to tell between these two people, and I don't like to drag stories out for longer than neccessary. So this is it, but there is another new story coming! I'm trying to decide between a couple of ideas, so it may be a couple days before I can decide and have a first chapter written, but please stay with me and check it out when it's up. In the spirit of this chapter, I'm very grateful that you have all been so supportive in this story, which was new for me. I love hearing what you think, and I appreciate any thoughts that could improve the stories. Thanks for reading! xoxo**


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